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Should One Being Trans be Disclosed While Dating?


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This is inspired by an article about Tik Tok star Adea Danielle. 

I myself have enjoyed some of her content, but to give a bit of clarification. She prefers to let someone know she is trans once she is certain things will progress vs just a date and moving on.

She has received backlash for this, which begs the question.

Is refusing to disclose you are trans underhanded? Lying?

She is clearly highly passable and beautiful, so some men wouldn't be any wiser. Is this deceptive? 

She also recently detailed an assault she suffered from disclosing she was trans to a man she did want to progress with. 

What's your take? 

Is it more a timing thing, or a it doesn't matter thing? Or outright, it should be known ahead of time?

Should ones being trans be disclosed while dating?

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3 hours ago, bcsapper said:

I can't imagine why a person wouldn't inform a prospective dating partner beforehand. 

Because they want to increase their dating prospects.  I imagine its difficult to find prospective partners.  Its an entirely selfish tactic.  I'd be PO'd.  It's a waste of their time.  It's like not telling someone you're dating you have kids until like 5 dates in becuase you don't want to scare suitors away.  That's ridiculous.

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2 hours ago, Moonlight Graham said:

Because they want to increase their dating prospects.

I dated a woman who had three kids, by three different men. Last of which, tried to kill her in front of her kids. She managed to survive.

That wasn't my issue. He was about to be released from jail. 

This was a massive deal breaker to me, but she waited until we were two months in to tell me. 

Obviously this is different, but is the level of deception the same?

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4 hours ago, Moonlight Graham said:

Because they want to increase their dating prospects.  I imagine its difficult to find prospective partners.  Its an entirely selfish tactic.  I'd be PO'd.  It's a waste of their time.  It's like not telling someone you're dating you have kids until like 5 dates in becuase you don't want to scare suitors away.  That's ridiculous.

Agreed, but knowing a few people on the dating scene this is typical.

I do know a gay trans man who has a tough time finding a date... ever... so I understand the temptation but.... It's a bad start to a relationship.

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4 hours ago, Michael Hardner said:

Agreed, but knowing a few people on the dating scene this is typical.

I do know a gay trans man who has a tough time finding a date... ever... so I understand the temptation but.... It's a bad start to a relationship.

Especially if you know the relationship is almost certainly doomed once you do tell.  The whole sex/gender/who is a what when you put "trans" into the description has me confused sometimes, but I assume in cases like these it's basically finding out once the relationship has gone far enough for sex to take place that the genitals on your partner aren't what you assumed them to be?

How could that ever work?

I guess there could have been surgery, but still...

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6 minutes ago, Michael Hardner said:

1.  I don't know.  But I know people that it doe work for.  Nobody should ever assume that such things are universally acceptable or understandable.
2. Still.

You know people who have been given that surprise and let it go?  Continued the relationship?

Plural.

I've never even met anyone who was trans, that I know of.

But maybe it can work then, in some cases. 

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I can understand why she'd wait and I don't think it's to increase dating pool or being selfish.  I think it's because it's pretty personal and not the business of casual acquaintances. 

Having said that, I personally think disclosure beforehand would be more ethical and save both people from disappointment.  

Does she give a reason for waiting?

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1 hour ago, Michael Hardner said:

It's a bad start to a relationship.

My issue is the lie.

I wouldn't be angry personally. If you're passable enough to fool me, good on you.

Reality then to me, is I likely would have continued to date you had you been honest.

Lying about something so significant would have me disappointed they couldn't be open with me,  especially so if we click after a date or two.

Someone that comfortable with lying early, doesn't spell good news for later.

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1 hour ago, dialamah said:

not the business of casual acquaintances. 

This I would agree with. If you didn't kiss, didn't do anything other than hang out, she doesn't owe you a thing.

If things progress beyond the job interview (few platonic dates), and you are offering them a trial position (dating) before giving them a job position full time (girlfriend or boyfriend), any major deal-breaker should be put out in the open, or in my opinion the person will have themselves to blame if they get ditched or an irate response to the lie.

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I am polite personally, and I gave online dating a chance.

I got messaged by a trans woman. Didn't mention her transness on her profile, and looked stunning so I didn't mind.

She eventually mentioned it, and I just stopped replying. 

I later bumped into her a few weeks later at her work, not knowing she worked there. I could see she had used tons of light filters, as it was clear she was trans.

Again, am polite. I would have continued the date, but would have been disappointed. 

What you see is what you get with me, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and am not interested in people too immature to be open and communicative, since you're building a relationship.

Trust is key. Its like building a car with no engine.

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1 hour ago, bcsapper said:

1. You know people who have been given that surprise and let it go?  Continued the relationship?

2. I've never even met anyone who was trans, that I know of.

 

1. I know a young person who just goes with the flow.
2. Wow really ?  I probably know 6 or so on a first name basis and others in my orbit.  I guess we travel in different circles.

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3 hours ago, bcsapper said:

I've never even met anyone who was trans, that I know of.

I think for me, the most trans women that I had met, were in Thailand where they literally were everywhere.

You in that society could quickly tell them apart, as they exaggerated female behaviors and were incredibly aggressive for the most part. Dylan Mulvaney comes to mind, for the west.

Of course, some were painfully shy like in any gender.

I have only met a handful here. Socially am seeing different behavior, as in Thailand they were out, loud and proud. 

Some are extremely passable. I saw plenty who were nervous of coming out, doing so during covid as they got to mask up. So as long as your legs to your neck looked the part, nobody would question eyes only.

Obviously their voices gave them away.

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6 hours ago, Michael Hardner said:

1. I know a young person who just goes with the flow.
2. Wow really ?  I probably know 6 or so on a first name basis and others in my orbit.  I guess we travel in different circles.

Other than family and old work colleagues, I don't know 6 people of any kind on a first name basis.  I guess we do.

4 hours ago, Perspektiv said:

I think for me, the most trans women that I had met, were in Thailand where they literally were everywhere.

You in that society could quickly tell them apart, as they exaggerated female behaviors and were incredibly aggressive for the most part. Dylan Mulvaney comes to mind, for the west.

Of course, some were painfully shy like in any gender.

I have only met a handful here. Socially am seeing different behavior, as in Thailand they were out, loud and proud. 

Some are extremely passable. I saw plenty who were nervous of coming out, doing so during covid as they got to mask up. So as long as your legs to your neck looked the part, nobody would question eyes only.

Obviously their voices gave them away.

I live rurally, so I just don't come across that many people.

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Just now, Michael Hardner said:

1. You don't have SIX friends or acquaintances?  Ok, then.   

If I'm not counting the people I used to work with, no.  And now I'm retired I probably won't see them again.

It's not something I try very hard at.?

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22 hours ago, Perspektiv said:

....

Should ones being trans be disclosed while dating?

About 89% of people are right-handed

About 11% of people are left-landed.

Some people are ambidextrous.

=====

In Canada, our federal government has no official cultural. But our federal government treats right-handed and left-handed citizens indifferently.   

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13 minutes ago, August1991 said:

Should a person disclose that that they are left-handed? Ambidextrous?

Of course!

=====

I prefer honest signals.

It's not something I would have called off my wedding for though...

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