How do you know?

[August1991]

Years ago, I decided that there were two measures of a relationship: bed and life. Thinking in Donald Rumsfeld terms (!), if it works in bed but not in life, you have an endless dramatic repeated disaster. If it works in life but not in bed, you have nowadays a divorce. The ideal was that it works in bed, and in life.

Later, I decided that merely having someone easy to live with, wake up beside is best. Good in bed, good in life. But what is life? 

Finally, I reckon that agreeing on the truth is best of all. If she says the sky is cloudy and I also see a cloudy sky, then I know that we are in love.

[Michael Hardner]

I think a relationship is just like life: you wake up every day and decide if you want it to continue.  You live like it will go on forever, and don't consider the alternative until the last possible moment.

[Topaz]

Well, guys I have another view on this. Since I lost my hubby this past July, we were married for 43 years 44 this past Nov. but  we knew each other for 49.  We took marriage and life seriously and more seriously after his first bout with cancer in 2000, followed by 3  bouts of skin cancer but dying of a heart attack in the car.   When ever we hit a rough road and it would be easy to walk away, I just said to myself  how would u feel it he died?    I married him for life and even  now though he's gone I consider myself  still married to him. Life isn't easy  and some people have it worse than others but  I have my two adult sons, no grandkids and not expecting any, they don't want to be parents and that okay. So now  I find myself back to when I was 16  and go on with life alone but  I thankful for what life brought to me and know his suffering is over. If I had to name a song for what I felt shortly after he died I call it "He's in heaven and I'm in hell"  I'm getting better and life is looking a little easier . Is this too serious for the topic?  Sorry about that.

[Michael Hardner]

No need to apologize.  

[capricorn]

52 minutes ago, Topaz said:

Well, guys I have another view on this. Since I lost my hubby this past July, we were married for 43 years 44 this past Nov. but  we knew each other for 49.  We took marriage and life seriously and more seriously after his first bout with cancer in 2000, followed by 3  bouts of skin cancer but dying of a heart attack in the car.   When ever we hit a rough road and it would be easy to walk away, I just said to myself  how would u feel it he died?    I married him for life and even  now though he's gone I consider myself  still married to him. Life isn't easy  and some people have it worse than others but  I have my two adult sons, no grandkids and not expecting any, they don't want to be parents and that okay. So now  I find myself back to when I was 16  and go on with life alone but  I thankful for what life brought to me and know his suffering is over. If I had to name a song for what I felt shortly after he died I call it "He's in heaven and I'm in hell"  I'm getting better and life is looking a little easier . Is this too serious for the topic?  Sorry about that.

Thank you for this Topaz. You appear to me a strong person. All the best to you and your family in 2017 after suffering such a huge loss in 2016.

capricorn

[Topaz]

Thank you Capricorn.....right now its  brain vs heart and my emotions are  all over which I trying to put back to normal, if that 's possible. It's bitter sweet because  my hubby said if he had cancer and they wanted his nose, he would ask how much time does he have because he said he wouldn't have much of a life  with a false nose and having to breathe out of mouth ALL the time, he died before he knew the results of the CT scan. His emotions were all over and the stress I'm sure  didn't help. Life is the pits at times but he and I had more  good times than bad and I know one way or another I will survive but the thing I miss the most is the evenings talks we had and if there one one thing he was good at was talking and he had so many friends  and he was the kinda guy would anyone who needed it. At one time, he went to school to work in radio..yeah he could talk.......its too quiet   here now.

[August1991]

On 12/31/2016 at 0:50 PM, Topaz said:

Well, guys I have another view on this. Since I lost my hubby this past July, we were married for 43 years 44 this past Nov. but  we knew each other for 49.  We took marriage and life seriously and more seriously after his first bout with cancer in 2000, followed by 3  bouts of skin cancer but dying of a heart attack in the car.   When ever we hit a rough road and it would be easy to walk away, I just said to myself  how would u feel it he died?    I married him for life and even  now though he's gone I consider myself  still married to him. Life isn't easy  and some people have it worse than others but  I have my two adult sons, no grandkids and not expecting any, they don't want to be parents and that okay. So now  I find myself back to when I was 16  and go on with life alone but  I thankful for what life brought to me and know his suffering is over. If I had to name a song for what I felt shortly after he died I call it "He's in heaven and I'm in hell"  I'm getting better and life is looking a little easier . Is this too serious for the topic?  Sorry about that.

Topaz, 43 years?

"Life isn't easy"? (I strongly, strongly disagree. Life is short.). Two key questions:

Topaz: How was sex with your hubby?

Topaz: How was life out of the sack with him?

I fear, Topaz, that you made a naive, dumb decision 43 years ago.

=====

As I say, life is short.

And Topaz, you haven't answered the key questions.

Edited January 3, 2017 by August1991

[WestCoastRunner]

36 minutes ago, August1991 said:

Topaz, 43 years?

"Life isn't easy"? (I strongly, strongly disagree. Life is short.). Two key questions:

Topaz: How was sex with your hubby?

Topaz: How was life out of the sack with him?

I fear, Topaz, that you made a naive, dumb decision 43 years ago.

=====

As I say, life is short.

And Topaz, you haven't answered the key questions.

Wtf is wrong with you man? 

[dialamah]

8 minutes ago, WestCoastRunner said:

Wtf is wrong with you man? 

Yeah, no kidding.  

[Omni]

49 minutes ago, August1991 said:

Topaz, 43 years?

"Life isn't easy"? (I strongly, strongly disagree. Life is short.). Two key questions:

Topaz: How was sex with your hubby?

Topaz: How was life out of the sack with him?

I fear, Topaz, that you made a naive, dumb decision 43 years ago.

=====

As I say, life is short.

And Topaz, you haven't answered the key questions.

What kind of a morbid bastard would ask such questions after reading an outpouring of grief tied to the loss of a long time life partner? That's just sick.

[WestCoastRunner]

3 minutes ago, dialamah said:

Yeah, no kidding.  

If the mods had any sense of respect for topaz they would delete that garbage. 

[Guest]

Somebody likes to think he is deep.

[August1991]

1 hour ago, WestCoastRunner said:

Wtf is wrong with you man? 

WestCoastRunner, I agree. These are cruel questions.

But what is life - if not questioned?

If Topaz is willing to divulge so much - then surely I can wonder...

[dialamah]

5 minutes ago, August1991 said:

WestCoastRunner, I agree. These are cruel questions.

But what is life - if not questioned?

If Topaz is willing to divulge so much - then surely I can wonder...

Even if your questions were acceptable, this certainly was not:  

Quote

I fear, Topaz, that you made a naive, dumb decision 43 years ago.

 

[August1991]

1 hour ago, dialamah said:

Even if your questions were acceptable, this certainly was not:  

 

As many others, I have lived with the consequences of dumb decisions made many years ago.

====

The OP asked the question: "How do you know?"

IME:

1) Intimacy is critical in any relationship.

2) Friendship is also critical.

=====

Sadly, I have known many people living in marriages/relations for years with neither intimacy nor even friendship. They sleep in separate beds and travel different ways. Often, they portray - women in particular - the couple as harmonious. 

Some people say that "romantic love" is a modern construct. I disagree.

Edited January 3, 2017 by August1991

[Bryan]

As crass as August's questions were, I do see that they relate directly to his OP.

That doesn't excuse it, it only makes the OP even weirder than it first seemed to be.

[Topaz]

august...boy u can be rude, BUT I'll answer your question.....our sex life is not your business but to let know, and maybe u can become very envy of us...WE  had a very happy sex life and if he would here right now, I know,  he say when u have the BEST, u don't want less!  As far as life being short ... it was other than the cancer  in his life after 50,  because  loved each other and enjoyed life together so much, it came to an end way too soon for us. I consider myself very lucky to be in his life and do it again, with the bad times.  You must not have experience this in your life or u wouldn't have to ask.  Have a nice day.

[Michael Hardner]

You have a great gift in that, Topaz.  We should all have it.

 

As for naive dumb decisions, there's nothing saying that they are bad decisions either.  I am not the person my wife met, nor is she the person I met.   We love each other as much and differently as we did then.

[Topaz]

Michael, I agree with u, hopefully, most couples grow in their marriage and  are there in times of good and bad for each other and that growing makes a BOND that can't be broken for some and that helps in the bad times, would u agree the longer  u are married the stronger the bond and life becomes more relax, especially when the kids leave lol  !! one thing I do know, this is the hardest thing I ever had to face, including losing my parents.

[Rue]

On ‎2016‎-‎12‎-‎31 at 0:50 PM, Topaz said:

Well, guys I have another view on this. Since I lost my hubby this past July, we were married for 43 years 44 this past Nov. but  we knew each other for 49.  We took marriage and life seriously and more seriously after his first bout with cancer in 2000, followed by 3  bouts of skin cancer but dying of a heart attack in the car.   When ever we hit a rough road and it would be easy to walk away, I just said to myself  how would u feel it he died?    I married him for life and even  now though he's gone I consider myself  still married to him. Life isn't easy  and some people have it worse than others but  I have my two adult sons, no grandkids and not expecting any, they don't want to be parents and that okay. So now  I find myself back to when I was 16  and go on with life alone but  I thankful for what life brought to me and know his suffering is over. If I had to name a song for what I felt shortly after he died I call it "He's in heaven and I'm in hell"  I'm getting better and life is looking a little easier . Is this too serious for the topic?  Sorry about that.

I just read this. nice post thank you.

[Rue]

On ‎2017‎-‎01‎-‎03 at 1:38 AM, August1991 said:

WestCoastRunner, I agree. These are cruel questions.

But what is life - if not questioned?

If Topaz is willing to divulge so much - then surely I can wonder...

I just read this thread. Someone shared something honest from their heart.  I have disagreed with Topaz on certain issues and maybe pretty hard on some but when she  o r anyone takes the time to share something  like she did, you have to know when to show some grace and gentility and respect.

You questions have nothing to do with the point she made. You are a bully and you would have to know your questions belittle and insult.

Relationships are never easy to discuss. Death can put a new perspective on them which she shared.

Its just sad what you did and you are a highly intelligent person. whose usual contributions are far beyond where you lowered yourself to

I've seen your analysis of political issues. You take time and make lucid responses. I am not sure what went in to your head when you responded but it was

unfortunate.

Don't trample on people's feelings. Its beneath you Aug.

[August1991]

On 1/4/2017 at 9:13 AM, Topaz said:

august...boy u can be rude, BUT I'll answer your question.....our sex life is not your business but to let know, and maybe u can become very envy of us...WE  had a very happy sex life and if he would here right now, I know,  he say when u have the BEST, u don't want less!  As far as life being short ... it was other than the cancer  in his life after 50,  because  loved each other and enjoyed life together so much, it came to an end way too soon for us. I consider myself very lucky to be in his life and do it again, with the bad times.  You must not have experience this in your life or u wouldn't have to ask.  Have a nice day.

Topaz, you and I have had disagreements over the years but I appreciate your reply. It lifted a great weight off my shoulder - given my posts above. During the past few days, I worried: "Did I push the envelope too far?"

=====

As to your hubby, if true your relation with him, I know what it's like and understand, maybe, what is the loss.

Life may seem derelict but there's still far more: Time has its own speed.

Edited January 16, 2017 by August1991

[Topaz]

Thanks for all the replies  good or bad but I won't say anymore on this topic and I'm sure the reactions would be different if all of us were  talking in person.

[PIK]

On 12/31/2016 at 0:50 PM, Topaz said:

Well, guys I have another view on this. Since I lost my hubby this past July, we were married for 43 years 44 this past Nov. but  we knew each other for 49.  We took marriage and life seriously and more seriously after his first bout with cancer in 2000, followed by 3  bouts of skin cancer but dying of a heart attack in the car.   When ever we hit a rough road and it would be easy to walk away, I just said to myself  how would u feel it he died?    I married him for life and even  now though he's gone I consider myself  still married to him. Life isn't easy  and some people have it worse than others but  I have my two adult sons, no grandkids and not expecting any, they don't want to be parents and that okay. So now  I find myself back to when I was 16  and go on with life alone but  I thankful for what life brought to me and know his suffering is over. If I had to name a song for what I felt shortly after he died I call it "He's in heaven and I'm in hell"  I'm getting better and life is looking a little easier . Is this too serious for the topic?  Sorry about that.

But look at all the great memories to keep you warm.