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At what age did you know that your parent was a "person"? At what age did you realize that your child was an "adult"?


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Admittedly badly worded but the two questions are clear:

When did you realize that your parents were, just, people?

At what age were your kid(s) when you realized that they were, well, mature?

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For myself, I was in my 20s when I realized that my Dad was just a human being, like any other.

For the second question, I have a good quote: When Yeltsin named Putin as PM in 1999, Putin's father said: "My son will be a Tsar."

 

   

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interesting question

I was ten years old

my mother was leaving my father, fourteen year marriage coming to an end

my father was in the bathroom crying, I had never seen him cry before

I said something like "hey Dad, don't worry, it's gonna be okay"

although I wasn't sure if that was true at the time, ten years old, I didn't really understand what was going on

now that I'm old and have been married myself for twenty one years, I can look back and feel his pain

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I don't think you can really point to one single moment.

It's more of a slow realisation over a longer period of time.

There may be a few milestone moments. 

I remember going running with my father and realising that he couldn't keep up. Witness him shouting Mayday in fear in a tight Italian dead end street after he'd slashed his wrist trying to physically turn the caravan around.  Seeing him cry for the first time in the same circumstances Dougie has described. Understanding that your parents don't have a endless supply of money despite never wanting for anything.

It's an accumulation of moments like that which bring a gradual understanding that your dad is not superhuman after all. 

Edited by Iceni warrior
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9 hours ago, Dougie93 said:

grandparents were much more myterious

mine were born in the 1920's, grew up in the Depression, fought in the Second World War

they were larger than life, up on a pedestal, from a different world

I never really got the chance to get to know mine very well. They had all died by the time I was about 12 and a lot of my childhood was spent abroad so I hadn't seen much of any of them.

My Gibraltan grandfather's second wife was the only one who lived to a great age. His first wife, my mum's mum died before I was born.

My other grandmother, my father's Ulster born mum, was the only one I have many memories of but even she didn't make it to her seventies.

Even when we were in England we never lived close enough to have a proper extended family with grandparents babysitting us.

 

 

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15 hours ago, OftenWrong said:

What exactly are you getting at?

I think I knew they were persons at the very moment I was genetically conceived. But I could be wrong...

OftenWrong,

The idea is of humans.

Have you seen these youtube videos (modernized, 4k) from the 19th century? The cats/dogs look familiar. But people dress differently.

 

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18 hours ago, Iceni warrior said:

I don't think you can really point to one single moment.

It's more of a slow realisation over a longer period of time.

There may be a few milestone moments.

Well said, on both sides.

But there's a moment in a child's life (and a parent's life) when there's an epiphany.

=====

I think Korean/Confucian/Christian view four (?) relationships: Parent/child, teacher/student, friends, husband/wife.

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3 hours ago, August1991 said:

Well said, on both sides.

But there's a moment in a child's life (and a parent's life) when there's an epiphany.

=====

I think Korean/Confucian/Christian view four (?) relationships: Parent/child, teacher/student, friends, husband/wife.

I don't know. It can swing back again with another moment.

Like the time the family was in a flea market in Amsterdam and this guy was creeping on my sister. Dad went all military bearing, booming voice and shoved the man so hard in the chest he ended up 10' back on his arse.

Bang, he's back to being superman again.

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3 hours ago, Iceni warrior said:

I don't know. It can swing back again with another moment.

Like the time the family was in a flea market in Amsterdam and this guy was creeping on my sister. Dad went all military bearing, booming voice and shoved the man so hard in the chest he ended up 10' back on his arse.

Bang, he's back to being superman again.

yeah, my Da was a lover not a fighter

but the couple rare occasions when an adult male threatened me as a boy, suddenly my father went hockey player on them, stepped up and punched them in the jaw, put them on the ground without further ado

 

 

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I am more of a fighter, so it eventually reached the point where I could beat my father hand to hand

he was bigger than me, but I got seriously into martial arts, Shotokan Karate mostly

we had a big row when I was 17 and he ended up having to go to the hospital

but he had an amazing right cross, he could throw a perfect punch to the jaw as his opening move

that ended most fights right there

but he wouldn't use that punch on me, so I took advantage of that as a teenager

there was probably an element of still viewing him as being Superman in that fight

he was pulling his punches, I was not pulling mine

as a boy I never stood a chance against my father in a physical contest, he could manhandle me

so it never occurred to me to have to go easy on him, I always fought hard against him

next thing you know tho, my stepmother is saying she's going to call the cops if I didn't stop beating on him

in fairness, he was taunting me, he kept advancing on me, taunting me to do something about it

so, spinning back kick to the solar plexes doubles him over, followed up by a front kick to the head

down he goes, and then in exultation I pounced on him and started laying a beat down

he ended up with internal bleeding and a concussion

that's pretty much when I got kicked out of the house, had to go join the army

my father didn't actually blame me, he conceded he shouldn't have taunted me like that

but my stepmother said I had to go

Edited by Dougie93
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6 hours ago, Dougie93 said:

yeah, my Da was a lover not a fighter

but the couple rare occasions when an adult male threatened me as a boy, suddenly my father went hockey player on them, stepped up and punched them in the jaw, put them on the ground without further ado

 

 

Only time I ever saw him lay a hand on another man.

He was not a fighter. He didn't follow up, just left him on the floor looking cowed.

The guy made up some story about my sister stealing something from his stall. ''Gestolen, gestolen''.

That wasn't true though. First off my sister isn't a thief but also I'd seen the whole thing play out. He was definitely creeping on her, creepy grin on his face, trying to grab her. Sister had her arms crossed trying to stop him copping a feel of her breasts. I was the one who brought it to dad's attention.

He turns around and sees this creep trying to grab my sister's arm and just exploded. Boom, one second this guy is trying to hassle my pretty 12 year old sister next he's on his arse wondering what hit him.

Dad was definitely a superman that day.

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3 minutes ago, Iceni warrior said:

Only time I ever saw him lay a hand on another man.

He was not a fighter. He didn't follow up, just left him on the floor looking cowed.

The guy made up some story about my sister stealing something from his stall. ''Gestolen, gestolen''.

That wasn't true though. First off my sister isn't a thief but also I'd seen the whole thing play out. He was definitely creeping on her, creepy grin on his face, trying to grab her. Sister had her arms crossed trying to stop him copping a feel of her breasts. I was the one who brought it to dad's attention.

He turns around and sees this creep trying to grab my sister's arm and just exploded. Boom, one second this guy is trying to hassle my pretty 12 year old sister next he's on his arse wondering what hit him.

Dad was definitely a superman that day.

my father didn't have a military bearing, but he was the ultimate jock

he was good at every single sport, whatever the sport, he quickly mastered it

he taught himself to skate and play hockey in just a couple years after coming from California

this made him seem mythical to me as a boy, my father always batted clean up, put the long balls over the fence

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6 hours ago, Dougie93 said:

I am more of a fighter, so it eventually reached the point where I could beat my father hand to hand

he was bigger than me, but I got seriously into martial arts, Shotokan Karate mostly

we had a big row when I was 17 and he ended up having to go to the hospital

but he had an amazing right cross, he could throw a perfect punch to the jaw as his opening move

that ended most fights right there

but he wouldn't use that punch on me, so I took advantage of that as a teenager

there was probably an element of still viewing him as being Superman in that fight

he was pulling his punches, I was not pulling mine

as a boy I never stood a chance against my father in a physical contest, he could manhandle me

so it never occurred to me to have to go easy on him, I always fought hard against him

next thing you know tho, my stepmother is saying she's going to call the cops if I didn't stop beating on him

in fairness, he was taunting me, he kept advancing on me, taunting me to do something about it

so, spinning back kick to the solar plexes doubles him over, followed up by a front kick to the head

down he goes, and then in exultation I pounced on him and started laying a beat down

he ended up with internal bleeding and a concussion

that's pretty much when I got kicked out of the house, had to go join the army

my father didn't actually blame me, he conceded he shouldn't have taunted me like that

but my stepmother said I had to go

I never even dared raise my voice to dad. 

He was a strict disciplinarian but he never did more than give me a slapped leg if I stepped out of line.

He'd always come and apologise to me afterwards. He had a temper but he wasn't violent. A telling off was always enough to put me in my place.

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Mum was the one who resorted to violence.

Her weapon of choice was a wooden spoon. Usually to break me and my sister up. We fought like cats and dogs. 

''If you two don't stop I'm going to bang your heads together''.

My sister was older so she had the upper hand for years. Pulling my hair and pushing me around. Then one day when I was about 12 or 13 I just punched her straight in the mouth. She was a lot more respectful towards me after that. 

I did hit her in the face with the foot stool we were arguing over once. 

Chipped her teeth. 

I got in a lot of trouble over that.

We get on now so long as we don't spend too much time together.

 

 

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18 minutes ago, Iceni warrior said:

I never even dared raise my voice to dad. 

He was a strict disciplinarian but he never did more than give me a slapped leg if I stepped out of line.

He'd always come and apologise to me afterwards. He had a temper but he wasn't violent. A telling off was always enough to put me in my place.

I was given broad latitude, Gen X latchkey kid, I had free rein

my father thought parenting was a pain in the ass

he just said hey, get with the program, so we can hang out in the clubhouse and have fun

since he was quite reasonable most of the time, I mostly got with the program

like I got away with a ton of shit, I was a bit of a hellion, but my father mostly said boys will be boys

Edited by Dougie93
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2 minutes ago, Dougie93 said:

I was given broad latitude, Gen X latchkey kid, I had free rein

my father thought parenting was a pain in the ass

he just said hey, get with the program, so we can hang out in the clubhouse and have fun

since he was quite reasonable most of the time, I mostly got with the program

Same here, minimum interference in my life unless I bothered him.

My sister and I both chose to stay with him rather than go with mum and her new man. Well I went with her at first but was back with dad after about 3 weeks. My stepfather was an a hole and I got into a fight with my stepbrother so that was it. On the phone to dad ''can I come home please''.

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7 minutes ago, Iceni warrior said:

Same here, minimum interference in my life unless I bothered him.

My sister and I both chose to stay with him rather than go with mum and her new man. Well I went with her at first but was back with dad after about 3 weeks. My stepfather was an a hole and I got into a fight with my stepbrother so that was it. On the phone to dad ''can I come home please''.

being a super jock, my father was very much into winning

so long as I was winning the prizes, and getting the girls, my father was content

even if I wasn't into school, if I was fit, athletic, confident, and getting girls, he didn't hassle me

like if I came home with a beautiful girl on my arm, my father said "must be doing something right"

Edited by Dougie93
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1 minute ago, Dougie93 said:

being a super jock, my father was very much into winning

so long as I was winning the prizes, and getting the girls, my father was content

even if I wasn't into school, if I was fit, athletic, confident, and getting girls, he didn't hassle me

Dad never once came to watch me play rugby. No one did, nor did they come and watch me win my swimming medals or compete in the county cross country championships. He'd find the money for an expensive gumshield or a pair of rugby boots or spiked running shoes but he wasn't going to take the time to come and watch. I was fully independent by the time I left home at 17. 

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1 minute ago, Iceni warrior said:

Dad never once came to watch me play rugby. No one did, nor did they come and watch me win my swimming medals or compete in the county cross country championships. He'd find the money for an expensive gumshield or a pair of rugby boots or spiked running shoes but he wasn't going to take the time to come and watch. I was fully independent by the time I left home at 17. 

mostly I had to go head to head against my father in every single sport

he was relentlessly competitive, he could turn anything into a competition

he just wanted me to strive to be a winner, winning was happiness in his opinion, win the prize, get the girl

Edited by Dougie93
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my father saw the military as my sport

he came to all my grad parades, drove hours to be there

he was there when I was decorated on parade

he even came out to see us on exercise once, they had a special day where civilians were invited to observe

he was driving an M113 around to try it out, having a grand old time

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6 minutes ago, Dougie93 said:

mostly I had to go head to head against my father in every single sport

he was relentlessly competitive, he could turn anything into a competition

he just wanted me to strive to be a winner, winning was happiness in his opinion, win the prize, get the girl

The only thing my father ever competed at was motorsports.

Nothing too flashy, Autotests in his MG Midget or vintage rallying in his old 1937 Triumph Dolomite. That was mostly before I was born though when he was living the high life of the English colonialist in Singapore. 

I think the only sport we ever played together was table tennis but he couldn't do spin so I beat him every time unless I promised not to put spin on the ball. 

 

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