Federal Political Humour

[Yodeler]

The barber asks him a third time, at then angry Martin says, " so tell me, are you a Conservative? Is that why you're so interested in the election?"

"Actually, I don't care about it at all," the barber replies. "It's just that every time I  mention it,the hair on the back of your neck stands on end."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I sure DID notice how even Martin's haircuts have been of late. Not in a million years could I guess that THAT'S how his barber does it.

My guess was that he must have switched from scissors to that wonderfuly precise haircutting machine called the "Flowbee".

That's how Stephen Harper's wife does it.

[Canuck E Stan]

At a community function, Martin had just finished trying to explain his version of the Gomery report to a gathering of citizens when one person in the crowd stood up and announced that Martin's facts were completely incoherent and that it was insane an incompetent like Martin could be running the country.

Embarrassed, the chair of the evening put his arm around the prime minister and said, "Pay no attention to that man. He just goes around repeating what he hears everybody else say."

[Canuck E Stan]

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Parliament Hill this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's political house.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[Canuck E Stan]

Paul Martin and Jack Layton were having a secret meeting near the Plains of Abraham, to discuss how to resolve the healthcare issues they had created.

After a few hours,Paul was getting tired of arguing about who was the better doctor,his private one or Dr.Layton.

So Martin decided to go for a walk.

As he was passing the statue of General Wolfe, he heard a voice. "Bring me a horse..." It said.

He looked around,couldn't see anyone,and continued on his way.

The next day,an equally gruelling day of meetings and negotiating.

But today's issue was over who would claim the donuts on their expense account, Paul again went for a walk to the statue of General Wolfe, and again he heard the voice. "Bring me a horse..." It said.

Now Martin was really intrigued.

He went and told Jack about the incident and finally, after convincing Jack that he hadn't smoked anything he got Jack to accompany him to the statue of General Wolfe.

That afternoon as the two of them passed the statue,the eerie voice broke in. "I asked you for a horse and you brought me an ass."

[Canuck E Stan]

Paul Martin was meeting with all the top leaders of the Liberal Party at a local lake near Kashechewan to discuss strategy for the upcoming election.

Martin decided to go for a swim, and as luck would have it he swam out too far and began to drown. Jean Lapierre, Prime Minister Paul Martin's Quebec lieutenant and a group of Liberal leaders sped out in the power boat to save him.They extended their hands and waved them in front of the drowning Martin.

"Here,Mr. Prime Minister. Give me your hand,"each was heard to say.

The PM continued to thrash.

Finally Lapierre put out his hand "Mr. Prime Minister,take my hand,he said,"take my hand" whereupon Martin reached up,grabbed Lapierre's hand, and was pulled to safety.

Later in the evening,the Liberal leaders gathered around the Quebec Liberal Lapierre to find out the reason for his success.

"You see," said Lapierre,"I happen to know Paul Martin very well.

All of you wanted him to give.

And he's a man who only knows how to take."

[Canuck E Stan]

Q: How many NDPers does it take to change a light Bulb?

A: At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

Q:How many NDPers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:None. NDPers wouldn’t actually change the light bulb, but they would show compassion for it by talking a lot about how terrible it is in the dark and more funding is needed to improve dim, 60 watt bulbs up to bright and productive 100 watt bulbs.

How many unionized workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Fourteen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap.

[Canuck E Stan]

A man and his alligator walk into a Ottawa bar near Parliament Hill and the man asks, "Does this bar serve corrupt Liberal politicians?"

"Of course we do," replied the bartender.

"Great," said the man, "I'd like a beer... and get a corrupt Liberal politician for my gator."

[Canuck E Stan]

Before entering politics Paul Martin had a summer job working as a helper on a Great Lakes ship.

Part of his responsibilities included doing odd jobs around the ship and reporting to the ship's captain when he finished his chore.

When he first arrived on the ship,the captain didn't trust anyone who had anything to do with the government(Paul's father was a cabinet minister in the government).

The captain took Martin down into the hold of the ship where there were cattle and instructed him to clean out the manure,taking the contents and spreading them in the local farmer's field near the ship yard. All to be done by dark.

Well, Paul worked as hard as he could and sure enough finished the task before dark.

This impressed the captain,who decided to go easy on Paul the next day. So he handed Paul two sacks of potatoes from the kitchen and told him to separate them into two piles , large and small.

But after ten hours Paul was stymied.

He had only managed to separate a handful of the spuds.

"I give you a simple sorting job," the captain told Martin, "and you go and botch it. Yet yesterday you outdid yourself. What gives?"

"I'm good at spreading bullshit," Martin answer. "But making decisions- now that's hard."

[Vancouver King]

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Parliament Hill this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's political house.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Didn't Rex Murphy say that Martin was the only saint in the brothel?

[Canuck E Stan]

CHET...The December Holiday Parrot

One day Stephen Harper decided to go to a pet store and get Paul Martin a chicken for that special holiday in December that Paul doesn't like to mention.

He knew if he got Paul a chicken, Paul would understand what that meant, and decided this would be the perfect gift for him.

So Stephen goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in

the way of chickens.

The manager tells him that in fact he doesn't have any chickens, but he does have a bird named Chet who sings.

Harper is very interested and asks to see Chet.

The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells Harper that this is Chet. Stephen asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing,and that he'll show him.

The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of

his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot.

Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."

Harper says that it was great and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?"

So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet

begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I

used to know..."

Now Harper is very impressed, he decides to forget about getting Paul the chicken

and decides that a nice gesture would be to give Paul this bird.

So he buys Chet.

He sends the bird and a note about the bird to Paul as a December holiday gift.

Paul is shocked at recieving the gift but is very happy and says the bird is beautiful.

Martin calls his wife Sheila and tells her what the bird can do.

Watch this says Paul,"the bird can sing", and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All

the Way..."

Sheila is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. Paul then

lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm

dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..."

Now Sheila is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter

under both of his feet at the same time?"

Paul says that he doesn't know, but they could try it.

So Paul puts the lighter under both feet and Chet begins to sing,

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[justcrowing]

The government is my Shepherd,

therefore I shall not work.

It alloweth me to lie down on a good job.

It leadeth me beside still factories;

it destroyeth my initiative,

It leadeth me in the path of a parasite

for politic's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of laziness and deficit spending,

I will fear no evil, for the government is with me.

It prepareth an economic Utopia for me,

by borrowing from future generations.

It filleth my head with false security;

my inefficiency runneth over.

Surely the government should take care of me

all the days of my life!

And I will dwell in a welfare state forever and ever.

[Montgomery Burns]

I can't be arsed to read all of the 160 posts in this thread, so I apologize if this one has already been posted:

Paul Martin, Stephen Harper, Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe are all travelling in a car that gets sideswiped and flies off into a ditch. When they wake up, they are all standing in front of St. Peter who is trying to locate their names in the Book of Life. After some searching, St. Peter looks up and appears rather embarrased.

"There appears to be some mistake," sayeth St. Peter, "none of you are due to be here yet. Tell you what, if each of you gives me $100 I will send you back to Earth."

"Deal!", says Stephen Harper. He gives St. Peter $100 and is instantly transported back to the scene of the accident with not a scratch on him. Ambulances and police cars have since arrived on the scene. An officer runs up to him and asks where the other three party leaders are.

Harper replies, "Last I saw, Martin said he had to create a trust fund to funnel the money through, Layton thought the government should have to pay for it, and Duceppe declared his intention to separate from Heaven."

[Montgomery Burns]

Got another one:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The state-run taxpayer-funded CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the govt.

The ant moves to the US , and starts a successful agribiz company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the govt house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate govt funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10 million.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Red Star blames it on the obvious failure of govt to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada 's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow-op and sell to the community.

[mowich]

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking government Liberal  is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Liberal.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up.  What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Liberal.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Liberal to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.  In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his Liberal friends and other government politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.  They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Liberal, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator

rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the high ranking Liberal joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the Liberal answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Liberal and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Liberal. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted for us!"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Where do you get these jokes they are absolutely hilarious. I like the moral of this one.

[mowich]

The government is my Shepherd,

therefore I shall not work.

It alloweth me to lie down on a good job.

It leadeth me beside still factories;

it destroyeth my initiative,

It leadeth me in the path of a parasite

for politic's sake

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of laziness and deficit spending,

I will fear no evil, for the government is with me.

It prepareth an economic Utopia for me,

by borrowing from future generations.

It filleth my head with false security;

my inefficiency runneth over.

Surely the government should take care of me

all the days of my life!

And I will dwell in a welfare state forever and ever.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

May I have permission to copy that, print it and put it on my wall for all to see, please.

[Canuck E Stan]

A Chauffeur was taking a civil examination and was asked:

"Did you ever, or do you presently belong to an organization that is trying to overthrow the government in Ottawa?"

To the shock of the examiner,the applicant replied,"Yes."

"You did! What is that organization?" asked the examiner.

"The Conservative party."

[wellandboy]

What does an Angler (fishermen) have in common with the Federal Liberal Justice system?

They both practice catch and release.

[tml12]

What does an Angler (fishermen) have in common with the Federal Liberal Justice system?

They both practice catch and release.

[Biblio Bibuli]

It's been a while between jokes here.

I'm not good at telling jokes, but I'll try.

Here's a good one!

I was travelling between Wawa and Winnipeg the other day when a tire

blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option

was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the

window, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Liberal or CPC?," asked the old man. "Liberal," I replied. "Well,

you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same

question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Liberal."

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy,

since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be

few Liberals on the road that day.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.

She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or CPC. "CPC"

I shouted. "Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman

in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts,

and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on

the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

"What's the matter?" she asked. "I can't take it anymore,"

I replied. "I've only been a CPCer for five minutes and already,

I want to screw somebody".

[Montgomery Burns]

Apologies for going off topic, but i LMAO when I read this:

Man forced to marry goat in southern Sudan

Feb 24, 2006 (MALAKAL) — A certain Mr Tombe was caught having an intimate relation with a goat belonging to a Mr Alifi at Hai Malakal — Upper Nile State, southern Sudan — on February 13. Tombe was ordered to pay the goat’s dowry and take the animal as his wife .

Mr Alifi said: “It was around midnight when Tombe came to do his nonsense on my goat, and I was already in bed inside my house. Suddenly , I heard the goat make a loud noise. Immediately, I rushed outside to find Mr Tombe was naked and engaged in a relation with my goat . When I asked him what are you doing there, he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up”.

[Montgomery Burns]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[Canuck E Stan]

"Honey," whined Jack. " I'm feeling a little down today."

"Oh,sweetie," consoled Olivia. "Why do you feel that way."

"Well," continued Jack. "It's just that, well, sometimes I feel so alone and useless."

"There,there," replied Olivia. "You don't have to feel so alone.

"Really?" said Jack.

"Sure,replied his wife. "A lot of people think you're useless."

[NativeCharm]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

SOVEREIGN INDIAN: This is the Chickens inherent right as he is indigenous to this land!!!

MILITANT INDIAN: That chicken should block the road, not cross the road!!!

GRASSROOT INDIAN: If the darn chickens need to get across the road, let 'em cross the darn road!

COLONIZED INDIAN: Chiggens should never cross the roads that white men built before the great white father crosses it first. If the white father crosses it, it is good. We must then follow.

AMERICANIZED INDIAN: We must have roads. We must cross the roads that the white man built for us. We have to be thankful to the white man for this. I don't know why you Indians are always complaining. You embarrass us. Chickens are good for us.

REPUBLICAN INDIAN: It's true that that white man built those roads for us. We are merely chickens. We will always be chickens until we learn to build those roads ourselves - for profit.

DEMOCRATIC INDIAN: The chicken crossed the road because he didn't have enough funding.

TRADITIONAL INDIAN: Those chiggens weren't traditional because they were supposed to be on it - not crossing it!

INDIAN GRANDPA: I think he was runnin' away from rezidential school.

URBAN INDIAN: That chicken crossed the road 'cause it was a city, man. You know what I mean?

NEW AGE INDIAN: It was basically because of Jungian dream therapy, drumming, sweatlodges, my shaman, and long walks on the beach, near my beach house.

POW WOW INDIAN That chicken must have been heading to a 49!

EDUCATED INDIAN: I think it has to do with Einstein's theory which basically posits: "Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?"

REZ INDIAN: Whats a chicken?

IHS INDIAN: I really don't care why he crossed that road. We still aren't paying for no stinkin hospital bills.

BIA INDIAN: They crossed it because of CFR 49, Section 11299, gives them the authority to do so, under Department of Interior regulations, in the Executive Branch. They wrote a grant and we funded them. We are very proud of them.

KFC INDIAN: I'll take a leg, a thigh, with corn and potatoes. Extra Crispy, please.

TRIBAL INDIAN COUNCIL: The chicken crossed the road before we did? Fire his family!!!

[munsinger]

Winston Churchill......

At the end of the South African War, Churchill is sitting in the House of Commons, listening to a Government Member drone on about all the various Dukes, Lords and equipment..including mules, sent to South Africa...

Churchill: " I have a supplimentary queston. Could the Honorable Member confirm exactly how many asses have been sent to South Africa"

[M.Dancer]

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

I laughed out loud.......thank you