Federal Political Humour

[Canuck E Stan]

A little old lady goes to the Great Canadian Superstore to do some shopping, and is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me sir," She says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"No problem," he replies, as he points out one brand, "This is as soft as a baby's kiss, and it's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call this one our, "No Name Brand", and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name Brand," she says.

About a week later, the old lady seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it my Stephen Harper toilet paper"

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

[Melanie_]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.

Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in

possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a

calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he

believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not

identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of

math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by

means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute

value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves

as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of

the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek

philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'

'When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had

wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us

more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not

recall a more profound statement ever made by the president.

[Canuck E Stan]

As we get closer to the Liberal convention for picking a new leader we find a group of extreme Liberals edging on their support for their candidate Bob Rae.

So devout to Bob are these Liberals they demand their supporters engage in a "babtism " ritual for Rae.

SO while out in the woods baptizing a Liberal Rae supporters,

a ineberated Liberal is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he

comes upon a group leader baptizing the Rae people in the river. He proceeds to

walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the group leader. The

group leader turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of

alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find

our next Liberal leader, the next Prime Minister of Canada, Bob Rae?"

The drunken Liberal answers, "Yes, I am."

So the group leader grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

"Fellow Liberal, have you found Bob Rae?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Bob Rae."

The group leader shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again

for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks

again, "Have you found Bob Rae our country's new leader?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Bob."

By this time the group leader is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in

the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30

seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him

up. The group leader again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have

you found Bob Rae?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the

group leader, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Canuck E Stan]

Laureen finished reading the bedtime story and was tucking her daughter Rachel into bed for the night, when the little one asked her a question.

"Mommy," said Rachel. "Do all fairy tales start with: Once Upon A Time....?"

" No,Honey," replied Laureen.

"There's a whole slew of fairy tales that start with: If elected,I promise...."

[Canuck E Stan]

delete

[normanchateau]

http://harperbizarro.blogspot.com/2007/04/...experiment.html

[Canuck E Stan]

Stephane walks into a café with Lizzy May. The waitress asks them for their

orders.Stephane says, 'Some poutine and a pepsi,' and turns to Lizzy

, 'What will you have?' 'I'll have the same,' says Lizzy.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $7.40

please,' and Stephane reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change

for payment.

The next day, Stephane and Lizzy May come again and Stephane says, '

poutine and a pepsi.' Lizzy May says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again Stephane reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the

waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato

and a salad,' says Stephane. 'Same,' says Lizzy. Shortly the waitress

brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again Stephane pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on

the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse

me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your

pocket every time?'

'Well,' says Stephane, 'several years ago I was cleaning out my old office and I found

an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was, if I ever had to pay for anything,I would just put my

hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million

dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as long

as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of maple syrup or an electric car, the exact

money is always there,' says Stephane.

The waitress asks, 'What's with Lizzy May?'

Stephane sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with big

"teeth", thinks the sun shines out my ass, and agrees with everything I say.'

[scribblet]

8 WAYS TO BE A GOOD LIBERAL

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran or Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA activists do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

17. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

18. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

GOD BLESS Canada

Oops, can't do that either!

[Canuck E Stan]

Stephane Dion is walking a dog around the Parliament Building lawn early one morning.

He walks it past a RCMP officer, and the officer says "Mr. Dion, is that a new dog?"

Dion smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I call it Suzuki and I got it for Elizabeth May."

The officer looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Excellent trade."

[Canuck E Stan]

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so

many others her age, she considered herself to be a good NDP-er, and was

very much in favour of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch

Conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that

she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt

that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep

what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher

taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The

self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth

and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback,

she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that

it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult

course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out

and party like other people she knew.

She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have

many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey

doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy

classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular

on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the

parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because

she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's

office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your

friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and

certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily

fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my

grades!

I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done

next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently,

"Welcome to the Conservative Party".

[Canuck E Stan]

So Stephane Dion steps up to the hot dog cart with his fork and knife and says: "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to Dion, who pays with a $20 bill taken from a brown envelope.

The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

"Where's my change?" asks Stephane.

The hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within."

[Canuck E Stan]

Two doctors and a government health minister are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven.

Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."

Saint Peter says, "Enter."

The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.

The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was a government health minister. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."

Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."

As the government health minister walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you have to get in that line over there and when you do get in, you can only stay for 3 days."

[hiti]

Tories dress down men’s-wear chain for using Harper in ad

http://thechronicleherald.ca/Canada/839215.html

OTTAWA (CP) — Stephen Harper’s Tories aren’t laughing at an advertising pamphlet that pokes fun at them.

In fact, the flyer from high-end men’s retail chain Harry Rosen has the prime minister’s people downright miffed.

The postcard-style handout makes reference to how the government mistakenly faxed its environmental plan to the opposition before releasing it publicly.

The flyer features a picture of the prime minister and Liberal Leader Stephane Dion.

Harper asks his opponent if he’s heard about Harry’s Private Sale — which offers regular customers up to 33 per cent off on suits, jackets and trousers through Sunday.

Dion replies: "Yes, you guys faxed us the memo by accident."

That joke earned a stern response from the Conservatives.

"It’s pretty tasteless," a government official said of the ad. "Harry Rosen’s is over-priced and we would never shop there."

LOLOL These new-fangled Tories sure are humourless.

[jdobbin]

That joke earned a stern response from the Conservatives.

"It’s pretty tasteless," a government official said of the ad. "Harry Rosen’s is over-priced and we would never shop there."

LOLOL These new-fangled Tories sure are humourless.

Harper used to get his clothes at the Fishin' Hole until his stylist started buying his suits from... Harry Rosen.

[Canuck E Stan]

A Canadian political party is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

[hiti]

Conservative Light Bulb Replacement Policy

How many Conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media and publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the Liberals.

[Canuck E Stan]

The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a member of the Liberal Party of Canada, get me a registration form."

"You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Liberal?"

"That's my business!" said the old man, 'Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration and was officially a member of the Liberal Party of Canada.

His lawyer was at his bedside. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end.

Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Liberal so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Liberal".

[Keepitsimple]

The weather was so so cold yesterday that several Liberals were spotted on Parliament Hill with hands in their OWN pockets!

[BC_chick]

Steven Harper's Facebook Profile

[geoffrey]

Steven Harper's Facebook Profile

I was really hoping that Govern This! group was for real. Unfortunately, it's not.

That's a good one though, passing it on.

[scribblet]

American but what the the hey

Democratic National Convention Schedule for 2008

7:00 P.M.

Opening flag burning.

7:15 P.M.

Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations.

7:30 PM.

Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:30 - 8:00 P.M .

Nonreligious prayer and worship:

Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.

8:00 P.M.

Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:05 P.M

Ceremonial tree hugging.

8:15 - 8:30 P.M.

Gay Wedding:

Barney Frank, presiding.

8:30 P.M.

Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:00 P.M.

Keynote speech: 'The Proper Etiquette for Surrender',

French President Jacques Chirac.

9:15 P.M.

Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:20 P.M.

Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden Kidney Transplant Fund.

9:30 P.M.

Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay:

Sean Penn.

9:40 P.M.

Why I hate the Military:

A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.

9:45 P.M.

Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:50 P.M.

'Truth in Broadcasting' award,

presented to Dan Rather

by Michael Moore.

9:55 P.M.

Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:00 P.M.

Presentation:

'How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld

brought down the World Trade Center Towers',

by Howard Dean.

10:30 P.M.

Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton for President

by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.

11:00 P.M.

Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

11:05 P.M.

Al Gore reinvents the Internet.

11:15 P.M.

'Our Troops are War Criminals,'

presented by John Kerry.

11:30 P.M

Coronation of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

12:00 AM.

Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:05 A.M

Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.

[M.Dancer]

a toast.

12:05 A.M

Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.

[BC_chick]

Steven Harper's Facebook Profile

I was really hoping that Govern This! group was for real. Unfortunately, it's not.

That's a good one though, passing it on.

I liked the political views and the vacations pics.

[geoffrey]

And how he has only 2 friends in Toronto.

[BC_chick]

And how he has only 2 friends in Toronto.

I think they both post here too.