Federal Political Humour

[Melanie_]

This isn't exactly federal humour, and it is dated (probably a few years old now), but still worth a chuckle, especially if you are a Monty Python fan.

Subject: The Axis of Evil

by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils...best at being evil...we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[Canuck E Stan]

A man walked into a Calgary bar and ordered a beer just as Prime Minister Paul Martin appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Belinda Stronach appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, bewildered as he climbs back up to the bar. "This must be Liberal country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

[Canuck E Stan]

A Federal government employee sits in his Ottawa office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantlepiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears.

"For setting me free, I am granting you three wishes. So tell me what are they?" Genie asks.

"I wish for an ice cold Molson right now!"

He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish the NHL hockey strike was over, and the final game for the Stanley Cup was being played ."

Suddenly he is rinkside watching the Stanley cup final game.

He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in Ottawa sitting in his government office.

[Canuck E Stan]

The Four Canadian political leaders had a series of political arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day,Stephen, the odd leader out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as Stephen finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So Stephen prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried Stephen, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

Stephen was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

Stephen put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other leaders, "now it's 3 to 2."

[Canuck E Stan]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from the Maple Leaf to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[Canuck E Stan]

Your sitting on a bench in Ottawa reading a newspaper while eating a sandwich when you notice that there are Five Members of Parliament drowning

and there is only enough time to save Three.

What do you do?

Finish you sandwich or read your newspaper?

[Canuck E Stan]

Canadian Scientists stopped using mice for experiments and started using Ottawa Federal Politicians.Turns out its quite easy to get attatched to a rodent.

[stewgots]

A politician wanted to cross the floor to join with the opposing  party. After meeting with go- betweens, a meeting was finally made with the opposing party leader.

"What would you say if you were to come and join our party, I would then make you the next Prime Minister." the leader said.

"Wow",said the politician, "of course"

Then the leader said "what if I said, if you were to come and join our party I will make you a lowly backbencher?"

"What do you think I am?" said the politician angerly.

"Well, we've already established what you are" said the leader, "we're just negotiating  what the cost will be."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Canuck E Stan]

"Okay,okay,Mr.Harper,so I lies about Same sex marriage and my mistake about the gun registry cost the taxpayers 2 Billion dollars. For goodness sake, I said I was sorry."

[Canuck E Stan]

A MP who had changed his views rather radically was congratulated by a colleague."I'm glad youv'e seen the light," he said.

I didn't see the light," came a terse reply."I felt the heat."

[Canuck E Stan]

Elections are influenced not so much by what the candidate stands for

as what the voter falls for.

The trouble with political jokes is that sometimes they get elected.

[Canuck E Stan]

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of Members of Parliament on their way to Ottawa. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one MP every hour.

[Canuck E Stan]

Two Liberal MPs board a flight out of Ottawa to Montreal. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Bloc MP sits in the seat by the aisle. The BLOC MP kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the Liberal in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the BLOC MP, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the Liberals picks up the BLOC MP's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other Liberal says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the BLOC MP obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other Liberal picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The BLOC MP comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the BLOC MP slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the Liberals. "This fighting between our parties? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

[Canuck E Stan]

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking government Liberal is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Liberal.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Liberal.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Liberal to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his Liberal friends and other government politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Liberal, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator

rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the high ranking Liberal joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the Liberal answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Liberal and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Liberal. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

[Canuck E Stan]

Dear Abby:

My boss is a habitual liar . He has lied to me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he's a liar.

It is so humiliating. Also, since he became my boss he hasn't even shown me any respect for my abilities. All he does is travel the world and constantly makes comments on how things should be done back home.He hangs out with a bunch of guys just like he is and he thinks he's King of the Hill.Meanwhile I work hard at the office because I have principals and I worry about the resources and hope that my boss's lies don't become a problem . Since I started working for him I feel that I'm not appreciated and I'm left to fend for myself.I'm in a dilemma about this job and my boss.What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a former auto executive and your father will give you your old job back.

[Canuck E Stan]

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he'd had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you. What's with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have a picture of the Liberal MP's in here, and when they start to look honest and trustworthy, I know I've had enough."

[Canuck E Stan]

After waiting a year to see a specialist, a Ottawa government politician finally gets in to see him only to be informed that it is too late to do anything for him and that he has little time left. Accepting his fate he goes home to make plans for the little time he has left. Going into his closet he retrieves two big bags of cash that he had embezzled from the taxpayers. He tells his wife the bad news.

"Honey, I don't have too much time left. Just before I die make sure you take these two bags of money and put them in the attic."

"How can you think about something stupid at a time like this?" she asks him.

"It's important. If the money is in the attic, then when I go I can grab them on my way up to Heaven. This way I'll have spending money when I get there."

A few weeks later, the politician is on his death bed and his wife fulfils his wish and puts the bags in the attic. He dies and life carries on. One day months later, his son is in the attic clearing out some of his father's government papers and comes across the two bags of money.

"Hey Mom, where did this money come from?" he asks her.

She tells her son of his father's plan.

"Perhaps you should have put in the basement," he responds.

[Canuck E Stan]

After a long life, dutifully serving his parishioners, the elderly priest died. He found himself in Heaven, where he was warmly greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome," St. Peter said, "You have lived a good life. Let me take you to your quarters, and then I'll show you around Heaven."

St. Peter took the man to a rather plain building, and escorted him to a small room. The room was humbly furnished, but was functional. The priest was a bit surprised, having expected Heaven to be a bit more extravagent, but he was happy to be there.

They then began their tour of Heaven, and it was absolutely beautiful. The priest felt silly for his initial resentment over his room.

Finally, they came upon an enormous mansion. A butler opened the door to the mansion and a man came out, dressed to the nines, and proceeded down a long walkway to the front gate, as servants rolled a red carpet before him. When he reached the gate, a chauffeured limousine pulled up, and the man got in. It drove off.

"Was that God," the priest asked, stunned by the display.

"Oh heavens no," replied St. Peter. "That was a politician."

"I don't want to seem ungrateful, but can you answer a question for me?" The priest continued, "I spent my entire life devoted to my parishioners, and teaching the gospel, and I have very humble quarters in Heaven. I just don't understand what that politician did, which would merit such a beautiful mansion."

"It isn't what he did," St. Peter replied. "You see, we have thousands upon thousands of priests up here. But he's our first politician."

[Canuck E Stan]

The morning after a federal political party leader passed away unexpectedly, the party's national receptionist answered the phone.

"Is the leader of the party there?" the caller asked. "I'm very sorry, but he passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is party leader there?" repeated the caller.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid he passed away last night."

"Is the federal party leader there?" asked the caller again.

"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. " he is dead."

"I understand you perfectly," the caller sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

[Canuck E Stan]

At two in the morning, the phone rang at the Prime Minister's residence. His wife finds herself talking to a party MP, who insisted that he must speak to the Prime Minister immediately.

Despite pleas to postpone his call until morning, the MP insisted that the call was over a matter of utmost urgency, and that he could not wait. Eventually, the Prime Minister's wife reluctantly decided to wake up the Prime Minister.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the Prime Minister.

"One of your cabinet minister's just died," announced the MP, "and I want to take his place."

The Prime Minister shot back, "It's okay with me if it's okay with the undertaker."

[Canuck E Stan]

Prime Minister Paul Martin and U2 singer Bono are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, “Isn’t that Martin and Bono?” The barkeep says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So, the guy walks over to the two and says, “Hello, what are you guys doing?”

Martin says, “We’re going to help the people of the world,” to which the guy replies, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Martin says, “Well, we’re going to save 10 million Africans and one Eskimo.”

And the guy exclaims, “You're going to save One Eskimo!?!”

With that, Martin turns to Bono and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Africans!”

[August1991]

Canuck E. Stan, I enjoy your posts.

To show my appreciation, let me share the following joke (one of my favourites) even if it is not obviously political.

Have you ever heard of the dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic? He lay awake in bed at night wondering whether Dog exists.

[Canuck E Stan]

Paul Martin is in southern Alberta checking out the flood situation when he trips and falls over a bridge railing and into the river below. Before his body guards can get to him, three kids who are helping clean the river pull him out of the raging water. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.

The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Toronto with my friends and see a Blue Jays game!” and Paul replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on my private government jet.”

The second kid says, “I want to meet Bono and see a U2 concert,” to which Paul says, “Not a problem,I'll get you tickets and I'll get Bono to autograph a picture for you!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”

Martin, looking perplexed, utters: “But, the fact is son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”

[Canuck E Stan]

After years of toil at the back benches of Parliament, an MP was burning the midnight oil at his office. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed the MP:

"I understand you'd give absolutely anything to be made a cabinet minister," said the devil, "So I've come here to make you an offer. I'll make you a Cabinet Minister, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends."

The MP looked strangely puzzled, and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "Okay,what's the catch?"

[Canuck E Stan]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the Revenue Canada."