Arranged marriages

[Marocc]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/16/divorce-islam-me-woman-who-left-two-husbands

All that follows is my personal opinion based on my understanding of the Islamic teachings according to the Quran and the Hadith. Do not accept any of it as a fact without scholarly evidence.

I have never come across evidence that an arranged marriage is the only correct way to marry in Islam, even though there are a lot of scholars who either outright teach so or who indirectly give such an impression.

There's no doubt fornication is prohibited. There is strong evidence excessive sexual intimacy should be avoided. There is rather strong evidence that being with a member of the opposite sex who is unrelated to one, in a 'closed space', is either prohibited or strongly advised against.

I have never come across evidence that a man and a woman cannot speak to one another or be alone if not in a 'closed space'. I have never come across evidence there was a limit to how long the two may interact before marriage, that a woman could not show her face to a man before they are married or that it would be prohibited for them to converse without a family member being present.

Since sexual intimacy, fornication and being with a woman alone in a 'closed space' is prohibited (fornication) and/or strongly advised against, it is clear living with a partner before marriage is out of the question.

How do happy arranged marriages happen with some of these or all of these restrictions?

If you were bound by such restrictions (all or some of them), how would you ensure finding a suitable partner?

[dialamah]

I knew a woman once whose marriage had been arranged (not a Muslim woman, btw); they had met once before marrying.  She said it was hard at first, but that over time they grew to love one another, and now she is very happy.  At the time I spoke with her, they'd been married upwards of 40  years.

A neighbor, in her late 80s, recently told of meeting her husband.  The first time they met - at her door when he'd come to pick her up for a date at the encouragement of a mutual friend - they "knew".  They were engaged a week later, and married shortly after that; they've been together and in love 60+ years.

Getting to know someone/having sex before marriage is not a guarantee of happiness.  Contact restrictions prior to marriage are not a guarantee of misery.  

I don't think there is any way of ensuring a "suitable partner", regardless of whether I'm looking on my own behalf or relying on family to find someone for me.   

[Guest]

1 hour ago, dialamah said:

I knew a woman once whose marriage had been arranged (not a Muslim woman, btw); they had met once before marrying.  She said it was hard at first, but that over time they grew to love one another, and now she is very happy.  At the time I spoke with her, they'd been married upwards of 40  years.

A neighbor, in her late 80s, recently told of meeting her husband.  The first time they met - at her door when he'd come to pick her up for a date at the encouragement of a mutual friend - they "knew".  They were engaged a week later, and married shortly after that; they've been together and in love 60+ years.

Getting to know someone/having sex before marriage is not a guarantee of happiness.  Contact restrictions prior to marriage are not a guarantee of misery.  

I don't think there is any way of ensuring a "suitable partner", regardless of whether I'm looking on my own behalf or relying on family to find someone for me.   

Yeah, I knew a Japanese couple who were in an arranged marriage.  They seemed happy enough.  There's obviously no formula.

The trick is consent.  Arranged marriage must be illegal before the age of consent, and then only allowed with clear and unequivocal consent thereafter.

Edited January 13, 2020 by bcsapper

[Moonlight Graham]

4 hours ago, bcsapper said:

Yeah, I knew a Japanese couple who were in an arranged marriage.  They seemed happy enough.  There's obviously no formula.

The trick is consent.  Arranged marriage must be illegal before the age of consent, and then only allowed with clear and unequivocal consent thereafter.

Exactly.  Nobody should ever be forced to marry anyone else.  If you choose to allow your parents to arrange a partner for you with your consent, go for it.

Personally I would never buy a car without taking a test drive, nor buy a house without taking a tour inside.  Thus I would never marry anyone without a decently long courtship, with sex.  2  years minimum seems about right.

The 6th Pillar of Islam is for men to have almost complete domination and control over women, including their daughters. Islam is the most misogynist belief system in the world.

[dialamah]

18 hours ago, Moonlight Graham said:

The 6th Pillar of Islam 

Didn't know there was a sixth pillar, so I looked it up.  It seems there are only 5. So, I wonder what you are referring to, since you aren't in the habit of posting untruths.  

[DogOnPorch]

53 minutes ago, dialamah said:

Didn't know there was a sixth pillar, so I looked it up.  It seems there are only 5. So, I wonder what you are referring to, since you aren't in the habit of posting untruths.  

 

Some sects have more than five...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_pillars_of_Ismailism

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Pillars_of_Islam

[Queenmandy85]

Deleted- Relevance?

Edited January 15, 2020 by Queenmandy85

[Moonlight Graham]

1 hour ago, dialamah said:

Didn't know there was a sixth pillar, so I looked it up.  It seems there are only 5. So, I wonder what you are referring to, since you aren't in the habit of posting untruths.  

It was a joke.

[dialamah]

21 minutes ago, Moonlight Graham said:

It was a joke.

Sorry I missed the smiley.