Ten (and a half) reasons why Republicans—yes, Republicans—are the best

[Shady]

THE ELEPHANT IN THE BEDROOM

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’d think Democrats would be better in the sack, because they’re usually, well…better human beings in general. Plus, they’re so em-oh-tional and sen-sitive and they genuinely care about your day. And how you feel. And how you felt yesterday. “Is there anything you need?” they whimper. Oh, shutthefuckup! This is sex we’re talking about! After numerous years of intensive research on both sides of the aisle—and sometimes in the aisle—I am here to report that Republican men (except the closet cases) are infinitely better to have sex with. Here’s why.

1. NO CONSCIENCE!

A Republican man will never whine in the middle of the night—let alone in the middle of screwing you—about the girlfriend/wife/whatever he is “devastating” by sleeping with you. He just does it. It’s all about him—he needs to be the best you ever had, and that can be a good thing if your getting off is contingent on his. He doesn’t even stay for breakfast. (Though if you do make him breakfast, he is eternally grateful and will go down on you for another several hours.) One word: pancakes!

2. NO TEARS!

A Republican man will never, ever cry. Not on election night (no matter what happens). Not when you’re breaking up with him (what, you think he cared?). Not even when he’s having “a problem I’ve never had before, really, I’m not kidding, I swear.”

3. A SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE

I’ve dated Democrats whose nights have been ruined (forever!) due to some stupid-ass comment by Bill Frist on Hardball. I’ve watched them go all mopey, argue with the TV…and then their little weenies disappear. Not so with GOPers. Republicans, particularly when naked, do not want to sit around and talk about Social Security privatization. Or Iraq, for chrissake. Or why (oh, boo hoo, get over it!) Kerry lost. They don’t even want to sit around naked and talk about George W. Bush. They just want you to sit on them.

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

Republicans are happy to watch Jon Stewart with you. They think he’s a riot. They don’t parse every word he says in an effort to figure out if “The Huffington Post” will approve. They just laugh, pour another cocktail, and decide upon which couch they will fuck your brains out after the show.

5. FOREPLAY

Democrats often need something incredibly erotic—like Meet the Press—to get revved up, particularly on a Sunday morning (there are only so many sections of The New York Times). Republicans, on the other hand, don’t even need Fox News to get it up. They understand that foreplay is about sex. And lots of it. Democrats are too busy checking if the condoms you keep in the jar by the bed are good for the environment. And by the time they figure that out, we’ve all lost our erections.

6. SIZE

It is absolutely, positively, 100 percent true that Republicans have bigger dicks. Just ask Lynne Cheney. (Dick is the Liam Neeson of Washington!)

7. EFFICIENCY

Republicans are much more likely to whip their dicks out during the cab ride back from dinner. (This is not an urban myth.) They are also more inclined to get started in the elevator, pin you against a wall, do you on the kitchen sink, wherever. Democrats bring jammies, spend at least twenty minutes prior to “sex time” doing God knows fucking what in the bathroom, and then emerge with a big grin that says: “After all I did for you supporting equal pay and abortion rights, the least you could do is make love to me.” Democrats always think you owe them. Republicans, because they’ve never done a goddamn thing for you, have no such delusions.

8. LARGESSE

Republicans have great taste in restaurants and will never make the wussiest of pre-date proposals: “You pick.” They understand that a woman wants a guy who knows how to pick a restaurant by himself. And who doesn’t feel the need to tell you what Zagat said about it before you get there. A Republican also knows how to order wine without getting all prissy about it, never dissects the bill (they don’t even look at it!), and will never, ever—ever—say, “Well, yes, I think that’s fair; your half comes to $39.25, but you had one more drink than I did,” if you offer to pay. They won’t let you think about offering to pay. This is so sexy! The best part: There’s never any guilt involved; we all know they got their tax break.

9. WOOING TECHNIQUES

Republicans will never send you group e-mails that consist of the entire text of Al Gore’s last speech (that was “woefully underreported” but “I knew you’d want to read it in its entirety”). Or the sign-up sheet for Democracy in Action, or whatever the hell those weirdos from the Howard Dean campaign are up to now. Or forms to send your congressperson because something terrible is happening to some woman you don’t know in Niger. (And you’d better send it to a hundred more friends or her labia will be removed tonight!!!) Nah. Republicans send e-mails that say: “I can’t wait to eat your pussy.”

10. NIGHTSTAND READING

You will never hear a Republican say, “Let’s just cuddle and read The New Yorker tonight.” They understand you do not want reading materials in bed. You want a man.

10.5. THE BIG CAVEAT

Yes, Republicans are the better lay—but only the Republicans you’ve never heard of. The more prominent they are, the less fuckable they are. The opposite is true of Democrats. Think about it. Is there any woman on the face of the earth who wouldn’t fuck Bill Clinton? (Didn’t think so.) But with a gun to your head, could you even think of doing Santorum? DeLay? Lott? Yuck, yuck, yuck! Okay, with a gun to our head, we might do W. And Cheney. Definitely Cheney. As long as we’re blindfolded. (But that’s okay. Republicans are into that, too.)

*The author wishes to remain anonymous for fear of cutting off her supply.

GQ

Pretty much what we all knew anyways, right?

[JerrySeinfeld]

THE ELEPHANT IN THE BEDROOM

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’d think Democrats would be better in the sack, because they’re usually, well…better human beings in general. Plus, they’re so em-oh-tional and sen-sitive and they genuinely care about your day. And how you feel. And how you felt yesterday. “Is there anything you need?” they whimper. Oh, shutthefuckup! This is sex we’re talking about! After numerous years of intensive research on both sides of the aisle—and sometimes in the aisle—I am here to report that Republican men (except the closet cases) are infinitely better to have sex with. Here’s why.

1. NO CONSCIENCE!

A Republican man will never whine in the middle of the night—let alone in the middle of screwing you—about the girlfriend/wife/whatever he is “devastating” by sleeping with you. He just does it. It’s all about him—he needs to be the best you ever had, and that can be a good thing if your getting off is contingent on his. He doesn’t even stay for breakfast. (Though if you do make him breakfast, he is eternally grateful and will go down on you for another several hours.) One word: pancakes!

2. NO TEARS!

A Republican man will never, ever cry. Not on election night (no matter what happens). Not when you’re breaking up with him (what, you think he cared?). Not even when he’s having “a problem I’ve never had before, really, I’m not kidding, I swear.”

3. A SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE

I’ve dated Democrats whose nights have been ruined (forever!) due to some stupid-ass comment by Bill Frist on Hardball. I’ve watched them go all mopey, argue with the TV…and then their little weenies disappear. Not so with GOPers. Republicans, particularly when naked, do not want to sit around and talk about Social Security privatization. Or Iraq, for chrissake. Or why (oh, boo hoo, get over it!) Kerry lost. They don’t even want to sit around naked and talk about George W. Bush. They just want you to sit on them.

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

Republicans are happy to watch Jon Stewart with you. They think he’s a riot. They don’t parse every word he says in an effort to figure out if “The Huffington Post” will approve. They just laugh, pour another cocktail, and decide upon which couch they will fuck your brains out after the show.

5. FOREPLAY

Democrats often need something incredibly erotic—like Meet the Press—to get revved up, particularly on a Sunday morning (there are only so many sections of The New York Times). Republicans, on the other hand, don’t even need Fox News to get it up. They understand that foreplay is about sex. And lots of it. Democrats are too busy checking if the condoms you keep in the jar by the bed are good for the environment. And by the time they figure that out, we’ve all lost our erections.

6. SIZE

It is absolutely, positively, 100 percent true that Republicans have bigger dicks. Just ask Lynne Cheney. (Dick is the Liam Neeson of Washington!)

7. EFFICIENCY

Republicans are much more likely to whip their dicks out during the cab ride back from dinner. (This is not an urban myth.) They are also more inclined to get started in the elevator, pin you against a wall, do you on the kitchen sink, wherever. Democrats bring jammies, spend at least twenty minutes prior to “sex time” doing God knows fucking what in the bathroom, and then emerge with a big grin that says: “After all I did for you supporting equal pay and abortion rights, the least you could do is make love to me.” Democrats always think you owe them. Republicans, because they’ve never done a goddamn thing for you, have no such delusions.

8. LARGESSE

Republicans have great taste in restaurants and will never make the wussiest of pre-date proposals: “You pick.” They understand that a woman wants a guy who knows how to pick a restaurant by himself. And who doesn’t feel the need to tell you what Zagat said about it before you get there. A Republican also knows how to order wine without getting all prissy about it, never dissects the bill (they don’t even look at it!), and will never, ever—ever—say, “Well, yes, I think that’s fair; your half comes to $39.25, but you had one more drink than I did,” if you offer to pay. They won’t let you think about offering to pay. This is so sexy! The best part: There’s never any guilt involved; we all know they got their tax break.

9. WOOING TECHNIQUES

Republicans will never send you group e-mails that consist of the entire text of Al Gore’s last speech (that was “woefully underreported” but “I knew you’d want to read it in its entirety”). Or the sign-up sheet for Democracy in Action, or whatever the hell those weirdos from the Howard Dean campaign are up to now. Or forms to send your congressperson because something terrible is happening to some woman you don’t know in Niger. (And you’d better send it to a hundred more friends or her labia will be removed tonight!!!) Nah. Republicans send e-mails that say: “I can’t wait to eat your pussy.”

10. NIGHTSTAND READING

You will never hear a Republican say, “Let’s just cuddle and read The New Yorker tonight.” They understand you do not want reading materials in bed. You want a man.

10.5. THE BIG CAVEAT

Yes, Republicans are the better lay—but only the Republicans you’ve never heard of. The more prominent they are, the less fuckable they are. The opposite is true of Democrats. Think about it. Is there any woman on the face of the earth who wouldn’t fuck Bill Clinton? (Didn’t think so.) But with a gun to your head, could you even think of doing Santorum? DeLay? Lott? Yuck, yuck, yuck! Okay, with a gun to our head, we might do W. And Cheney. Definitely Cheney. As long as we’re blindfolded. (But that’s okay. Republicans are into that, too.)

*The author wishes to remain anonymous for fear of cutting off her supply.

GQ

Pretty much what we all knew anyways, right?

Gold -absolute gold.

[Cameron]

Can I join the Republican party from Canada????

[Black Dog]

Can I join the Republican party from Canada????

Sure, but it won't make your dick bigger (though it may turn you into a giant prick).

[newbie]

Good one BD. Wow the cons are on a roll today. Did Bush's poll numbers drop again?

[JerrySeinfeld]

Can I join the Republican party from Canada????

Sure, but it won't make your dick bigger (though it may turn you into a giant prick).

LOL - take some of that granola money and buy yourself a sense of humor.

and you wonder why lefties are the laughing stock of the party....SMILE once in awhile

[Drea]

Can I join the Republican party from Canada????

Sure, but it won't make your dick bigger (though it may turn you into a giant prick).

LOL - take some of that granola money and buy yourself a sense of humor.

and you wonder why lefties are the laughing stock of the party....SMILE once in awhile

Some rightwingers are just like schoolyard bullies -- they say something really nasty -- "but I was just jokin' -- where's your sense of ha ha?"

"Gee honey I could park a Kenworth in your butt crack, hee hee hee."

Wife gets mad

Redneck hubby: "But I was just jokin' why are you mad?"

Slapstick and/or hurtful humour is only funny to those with very low IQs.

What's funny to a centrist like me?

That Gain laundry detergent commercial where the lady gets caught sniffing the underwear -- funny! Not hurtful, just really friggin funny.

[Cameron]

I don't really want a bigger slhong, and I'm not a prick...I just want to join the GOP.

[PocketRocket]

Just ask Lynne Cheney. (Dick is the Liam Neeson of Washington!)

But isn't he the guy that "shoots" prematurely???

Think back to his hunting accident when he fired a round into his friend.

Or maybe he just prefers "shooting" at guys

Might be time for Dick to come out of the closet

[geoffrey]

I don't really want a bigger slhong, and I'm not a prick...I just want to join the GOP.

GOP isn't really 'conservative' in the Canadian sense of the word remember. They are a big government party, actually, a massive government party.

Just thought I'd warn ya.

[lost&outofcontrol]

Just ask Lynne Cheney. (Dick is the Liam Neeson of Washington!)

But isn't he the guy that "shoots" prematurely???

Think back to his hunting accident when he fired a round into his friend.

Or maybe he just prefers "shooting" at guys

Might be time for Dick to come out of the closet

bahzing!

It's a joke people, lighten up people.

[PocketRocket]

It's a joke people, lighten up.

Exactly.

[JerrySeinfeld]

Can I join the Republican party from Canada????

Sure, but it won't make your dick bigger (though it may turn you into a giant prick).

LOL - take some of that granola money and buy yourself a sense of humor.

and you wonder why lefties are the laughing stock of the party....SMILE once in awhile

Some rightwingers are just like schoolyard bullies -- they say something really nasty -- "but I was just jokin' -- where's your sense of ha ha?"

"Gee honey I could park a Kenworth in your butt crack, hee hee hee."

Wife gets mad

Redneck hubby: "But I was just jokin' why are you mad?"

Slapstick and/or hurtful humour is only funny to those with very low IQs.

What's funny to a centrist like me?

That Gain laundry detergent commercial where the lady gets caught sniffing the underwear -- funny! Not hurtful, just really friggin funny.

Oh gosh Drea. You're a softy and it's kind of appealing. But c'mon. LIGHTEN UP!

here:

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/P._J._O'Rourke/

enjoy some scathing humor at others' expense. and yes - he is a rightwinger and a damn funny one if you just take it all with a grain of salt....

[Teddy Ballgame]

You can always tell a liberal Democrat - but you can't tell him/her/it very much!

This is because to be a liberal Democrat in the US today is to live in deep denial, hypocrisy, duplicity, self deception, cognitive dissonance and the unhappiness (see the other thread regarding the Pew survey that Democrats are 50% more likely to be unhappy today than Republicans) ) that living such lies causes.

The "anonymous" originator of this thread provides us with a classic case in point. Every one of the reasons he cites for Republicans "being the best lays" are fully and 180 degrees opposite to the truth and anyone with even the most cursory knowledge of the modern history of the Democratic party will know this.

The Democrats have spwaned the most immoral, disgusting, dishonest, dissembling libertines, sociopaths and ethically bereft trailer trash in modern American political history.

There are many reasons why Democratic leaders are more likely to be immoral, manipulative, sexually addictive (Harridan Hillary says this is Zipper Billy's biggest problem), sociopathic slime buckets.

A major reason is simply that the liberal Democrat - by definition - is (Jimmy Carter excepted) not one to believe, preach or practice old fashioned religious values that tend to guide and circumscribe one's words and especially one's deeds in things like morality and sexual behaviour.

Another reason is that getting to the top of the greasy liberal poll of the Democratic Party requires so much lying, cheating, scheming, deal making and deal breaking, law breaking and political pandering and whoring that any initial morals, ethical standards and personal scruples that a liberal Democratic leader might have had are firmly ditched along the way. (What was the movie - perhaps "The Candidate" - with Robert Redford that illustrates this point so well?).

In any case, the liberal Democrats not the conservative Republicans are the folks who exemplify the kinds of sociopathic, excessive, exploitive behaviour posited in the initial thread here.

The poster boys in regard to these kinds of immoral attitudes and behaviour are FDR (who spent years doing his female executive assistant/mistress in the White House while lesbo Eleanor in turn did her female assistant in the same White House), John F. Kennedy (we know what the "F" stood for and it wasn't "just fooling around"), LBJ (who liked to boast that he had more tail by accident than Kennedy had on purpose), Tubby Teddy Kennedy (who in his late 60s still liked to troll Washington at night picking up street hookers and doing them in the back seat while his limo driver kept the car moving), Zipper Billy Clinton (who is so flagrantly a libertine and serial adulterer that even his wife has had to plea that he suffers from "sexual addiction") and John "Cash and" Kerry (a do nothing senator who screwed his way out of mediocrity and looming bankruptcy to become a presidential candidate somehow taken seriously by the loony left).

Anyone who still seriously harbours any illusions as to which party's icons are the totally immoral SOBs of modern politics are urged to read "The Dark Side of Camelot" by Pulitzer Prize winning inverstigative reporter and author Seymour M. Hersh. In painstaking and irrefutable detail, Hersh's book makes the case that the Kennedy clan were by a country mile the most sexually, financially and politically immoral, manipulative, dishonest and disgusting people to rise to political prominence in the modern history of the Republic.

So, YES, this list of reasons why Republicans make the best lays is hilarious!

And the most hilarious thing about it is that it is - true to liberal Democratic form - EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of the truth.