The Oscar Acceptance Speech You Didn't Hear

[Teddy Ballgame]

- Members of the Academy, I realize that comparing actors' performances is an even less objective, systematic and reputable process than judging Ice Dancing at the Winter Olympics and that the winner is chosen based on Hollywood politics after months of lobbying and PR spending. So there is absolutely no way of knowing if I really deserve to be one of this year's top five actors let alone the best actor. And it would be pointless to thank you for this award. Let me instead thank my team of agents, publicists and other studio spin specialists for securing this Oscar for me. I really am an incredibly lucky slob.

- As you know, I am one of Hollywood's best paid and hardest working actors. This means I made two pictures last year for $40 million and worked 26 weeks in total. Of course, work for me means spending 40 hours a week at the studio mainly in my dressing room or in my trailer getting blow jobs from aspiring and perspiring actresses or half watching the preparations for shooting scenes and retakes. In terms of actual work, I am required on camera about two hours a day and worked about 260 hours last year which, so I am told, is about 8 weeks of work for a member of the great unwashed public who buys tickets to my movies. This works out to an hourly pay rate for me of just over $153,000 which, so I am told, is about four years pay for that member of the great unwashed public who pays to see my movies. So I'm not only an incredibly lucky slob, I'm also an incredibly overpaid and underworked slob. If Churchill were still kicking, he would probably say, "Never in the history of mankind was so much spent by so many for so little from so few."

- Not only am I a lucky, stunningly overpaid and embarrassingly underworked slob, I'm in one of the dodgier fields of endeavour. Acting requires no specific education, experience, level of intelligence, or any particular skill sets except one - the ability to lie through your teeth, to totally and believably pretend to be someone and something you are not. Some folks with this one unique talent go into various forms of sales, legal and illegal. Many are considered criminals and/or sociopaths and get to spend time in crowbar hotels. Others go into politics. This explains why we Tinseltown titans have such reverence for Zipper Billy Clinton and such distaste for Gipper Ronnie Reagan. Clinton, you see, was a mediocre president who became a great actor whereas Reagan was a mediocre actor who became a great president. We know slick phonies and Slick Willie is really one of us! So, members of the Academy, I realize that I am a lucky slob who is overpaid, underworked and engaged in a rather unseemly occupation.

- So who, most of all, should I thank for this Oscar? Well, let me start by thanking my country the United States of America for leading the way in creating the competitive free market economy, the general level of affluence, and the demand for mass entertainment that has made it possible for slobs like me to be so rich, renowned, pampered and pandered to. As Don King would say, "Only In America!".

- Let me also acknowledge our president George Bush for finally providing real leadership in defending the values and systems of western liberal democracy against the violent, intolerant, islamo-fascist terrorism that threatens our way of life including and perhaps especially the Hollywood version of our way of life. I realize that if the islamo-fascists have their way and succeed in imposing an 8th century fundamentalist religious totalitarianism on much if not all of the world then not a single one of the fine movies honoured tonight would be made and not a single one of us would be employed in films. Indeed, Osama bin Laden and his kind have nothing but contempt for Hollywood and for the kinds of movies with western liberal values and (gasp) with women, infidels, gays, Jews and other "undesirables" in prominent positions and roles that we turn out today. So thank you Mr. President for being the Churchill of our times standing up to the fascism of our times in defence of the values and the way of life that we cherish. I know that it took vision and values and most of all moral courage to do what the Clintons, the Kofi Annans, the Chretiens, the ChIRAQs and the other timid and corrupt careerists who put short term political expediency ahead of long term peace, security and freedom were afraid to do.

- Let me sincerely thank the hundreds of thousands of American and UN and NATO troops around the world who are putting their lives and their limbs on the line every day in defence of the peace, security and freedom that enables us here in Hollywood to continue doing what we do. Its not enough to just piously preach the virtues of western liberal values such as democracy, the rule of law, a free press, open markets and open societies or even to just make movies about them. Its not even enough to take a stand as president to go to war against the evil elements who threaten to destroy those things we cherish. Ordinary men and women have to be willing to put themselves in harm's way and to risk their lives for relatively little financial reward to give force to our determination to survive and to prevail over intolerance and evil. So a special thank you to our brave troops everywhere.

- And most of all, a thank you tonight to those 2500 American soldiers in Iraq and in Afghanistan who have paid the ultimate price in defending us and our way of life. Any one of you is worth more in the grand scheme of things than everyone of us and deep down we all know this and sometimes we even feel vague twinges of guilt about it.

- Finally, I want to wish Michael Moore and his closest buddies in his left-lib Bush-bashing cinematic cabal the best of luck in securing new gigs as film makers for Osama bin Laden, working out of his cave using hand held webcams to film his occasional propoganda pieces for distribution in the Arab world. It may not be as professionally challenging and it will certainly not be as financially rewarding work as you are used to, Michael, but it is defintely what you deserve.

[Biblio Bibuli]

- Members of the Academy, I realize that comparing actors' performances is an even less objective, systematic and reputable process than judging Ice Dancing at the Winter Olympics and that the winner is chosen based on Hollywood politics after months of lobbying and PR spending. So there is absolutely no way of knowing if I really deserve to be one of this year's top five actors let alone the best actor. And it would be pointless to thank you for this award. Let me instead thank my team of agents, publicists and other studio spin specialists for securing this Oscar for me. I really am an incredibly lucky slob.

- As you know, I am one of Hollywood's best paid and hardest working actors. This means I made two pictures last year for $40 million and worked 26 weeks in total. Of course, work for me means spending 40 hours a week at the studio mainly in my dressing room or in my trailer getting blow jobs from aspiring and perspiring actresses or half watching the preparations for shooting scenes and retakes. In terms of actual work, I am required on camera about two hours a day and worked about 260 hours last year which, so I am told, is about 8 weeks of work for a member of the great unwashed public who buys tickets to my movies. This works out to an hourly pay rate for me of just over $153,000 which, so I am told, is about four years pay for that member of the great unwashed public who pays to see my movies. So I'm not only an incredibly lucky slob, I'm also an incredibly overpaid and underworked slob. If Churchill were still kicking, he would probably say, "Never in the history of mankind was so much spent by so many for so little from so few."

- Not only am I a lucky, stunningly overpaid and embarrassingly underworked slob, I'm in one of the dodgier fields of endeavour. Acting requires no specific education, experience, level of intelligence, or any particular skill sets except one - the ability to lie through your teeth, to totally and believably pretend to be someone and something you are not. Some folks with this one unique talent go into various forms of sales, legal and illegal. Many are considered criminals and/or sociopaths and get to spend time in crowbar hotels. Others go into politics. This explains why we Tinseltown titans have such reverence for Zipper Billy Clinton and such distaste for Gipper Ronnie Reagan. Clinton, you see, was a mediocre president who became a great actor whereas Reagan was a mediocre actor who became a great president. We know slick phonies and Slick Willie is really one of us! So, members of the Academy, I realize that I am a lucky slob who is overpaid, underworked and engaged in a rather unseemly occupation.

- So who, most of all, should I thank for this Oscar? Well, let me start by thanking my country the United States of America for leading the way in creating the competitive free market economy, the general level of affluence, and the demand for mass entertainment that has made it possible for slobs like me to be so rich, renowned, pampered and pandered to. As Don King would say, "Only In America!".

- Let me also acknowledge our president George Bush for finally providing real leadership in defending the values and systems of western liberal democracy against the violent, intolerant, islamo-fascist terrorism that threatens our way of life including and perhaps especially the Hollywood version of our way of life. I realize that if the islamo-fascists have their way and succeed in imposing an 8th century fundamentalist religious totalitarianism on much if not all of the world then not a single one of the fine movies honoured tonight would be made and not a single one of us would be employed in films. Indeed, Osama bin Laden and his kind have nothing but contempt for Hollywood and for the kinds of movies with western liberal values and (gasp) with women, infidels, gays, Jews and other "undesirables" in prominent positions and roles that we turn out today. So thank you Mr. President for being the Churchill of our times standing up to the fascism of our times in defence of the values and the way of life that we cherish. I know that it took vision and values and most of all moral courage to do what the Clintons, the Kofi Annans, the Chretiens, the ChIRAQs and the other timid and corrupt careerists who put short term political expediency ahead of long term peace, security and freedom were afraid to do.

- Let me sincerely thank the hundreds of thousands of American and UN and NATO troops around the world who are putting their lives and their limbs on the line every day in defence of the peace, security and freedom that enables us here in Hollywood to continue doing what we do. Its not enough to just piously preach the virtues of western liberal values such as democracy, the rule of law, a free press, open markets and open societies or even to just make movies about them. Its not even enough to take a stand as president to go to war against the evil elements who threaten to destroy those things we cherish. Ordinary men and women have to be willing to put themselves in harm's way and to risk their lives for relatively little financial reward to give force to our determination to survive and to prevail over intolerance and evil. So a special thank you to our brave troops everywhere.

- And most of all, a thank you tonight to those 2500 American soldiers in Iraq and in Afghanistan who have paid the ultimate price in defending us and our way of life. Any one of you is worth more in the grand scheme of things than everyone of us and deep down we all know this and sometimes we even feel vague twinges of guilt about it.

- Finally, I want to wish Michael Moore and his closest buddies in his left-lib Bush-bashing cinematic cabal the best of luck in securing new gigs as film makers for Osama bin Laden, working out of his cave using hand held webcams to film his occasional propoganda pieces for distribution in the Arab world. It may not be as professionally challenging and it will certainly not be as financially rewarding work as you are used to, Michael, but it is defintely what you deserve.

This is a great piece.

I read it the day it came out here, and feeling little blue the other day I thought I'd reread it just to perk myself back up. But I had forgotten where I read it or who the author was, so I took an educated guess and headed straight to my stash of saved up Steyn articles, thinking it must be him. Needless to say, I didn't find it there.

Today, going through the new posts here I got so bored that I started clicking on the old ones, and by sheer luck I found it.

This definitely rates right up there with the top 25% of Mark Steyn's material and I can't even imagine why anybody would put it out here for free.

My suspicion is that MLW hires professionals, from time to time, to liven this place up. If so, they've got a great one in Teddy Ballgame. It could be Mark Steyn himself for all I know.

[Black Dog]

My suspicion is that MLW hires professionals, from time to time, to liven this place up. If so, they've got a great one in Teddy Ballgame. It could be Mark Steyn himself for all I know.

Hmmm. Is it full of ridiculous assumptions and logical contortions that miss the net and land with an inglorious "thud"? Is the style a blend of smug self-satisfaction and supercilliousness? Above all, is the screed in question garrulous and ultimately pointless? Why yes on all counts. You're right B.B: we have a dead ringer for Mark Steyn!

[August1991]

Can't be Steyn.

Only Steyn could come up with: "How do you solve a problem? Like, sharia!" Link.

I swear Steyn writes his pieces with a rhyming dictionary on his desk, just like Cole Porter used to have one on the piano when he composed.

[Teddy Ballgame]

My suspicion is that MLW hires professionals, from time to time, to liven this place up. If so, they've got a great one in Teddy Ballgame. It could be Mark Steyn himself for all I know.

- BB - Thank you so much for your all too generous remarks.

- No, I am not Mark Steyn although I am certainly flattered to be compared with him. Like you, I regard Steyn as one of our greatest political satirists.

- While my main career path was in management consulting, I have over the last 25 years written some free lance political and management columns both serious and satirical for The Globe and Mail and a few other newspapers and magazines. This piece was one of those rare efforts that took no effort and seemed to pretty much write itself. So it is strictly a freebie and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- My handle Teddy Ballgame, by the way, is one of the nicknames for my sports hero as a kid growing up in the 50s. Ted Williams, the legendary Red Sox slugger, was so colourful and compelling that he had not one but four nicknames: The Kid, The Splendid Splinter, The Thumper and, Teddy Ballgame.

- Arguably the greatest hitter who ever lived, Williams is the only person enshrined in both the baseball and the fishing halls of fame, the only star athlete to serve his country in two major wars (WWII and Korea where he was John Glenn's wingman flying fighter jets), the only superstar to hit a home run on his last at bat ever, a world class photographer, the greatest fundraiser for childrens' cancer research in the history of The Jimmy Fund, the first hall of famer to lobby for the inclusion of black stars in the HOF, a tireless supporter of the underpriveleged and the underdogs in society, and a man of rock ribbed integrity who was true to himself, true to the end.

- One of the few advantages in being over 60 is that I got to see Ted Williams hit. I even got to meet him in Chatham, NB near where he had a fishing lodge for over thirty years.

- John Wayne once said that Ted Williams was the only man he wished he could be if he could choose to be someone else. I've always felt the same way.

- But while hitting like Ted Williams would be my first choice in the fantasy life department, writing like Mark Steyn would be up there somewhere around second place.

- So thanks again for your kind comments. I'll be sure to post here occasionally for your enjoyment and to the chagrin of the left-lib set.

P.S. Since you liked this piece, you may enjoy something else I wrote here yesterday concerning the candidacy of Micheal Ignatieff for the federal Liberal leadership. I think Iggy's offering is a joke and I wrote my piece accordingly. You'll find it in the Canadian Politcs, Provincial Affairs forum in the thread titled Is Stephen Harper Taking Canada For A test Drive?. Enjoy.

[Black Dog]

- While my main career path was in management consulting, I have over the last 25 years written some free lance political and management columns both serious and satirical for The Globe and Mail and a few other newspapers and magazines. This piece was one of those rare efforts that took no effort and seemed to pretty much write itself. So it is strictly a freebie and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Freelance in this case meaning "letters to the editor".

[Michael Hardner]

My handle Teddy Ballgame, by the way, is one of the nicknames for my sports hero as a kid growing up in the 50s. Ted Williams, the legendary Red Sox slugger, was so colourful and compelling that he had not one but four nicknames: The Kid, The Splendid Splinter, The Thumper and, Teddy Ballgame.

Thanks, Teddy. You are truly the greatest of all time...

With regards to the post, it's true that the top dog of the movie industry has many of the traits you mentioned so I have no quibble. But given the number of bodies one must climb over to get to the top, it's not surprising that these people have these traits.

I expect you'd see similar characteristics in a lot of top business people, which is what these people are.

Thanks for the entertaining post.

[Biblio Bibuli]

P.S. Since you liked this piece, you may enjoy something else I wrote here yesterday concerning the candidacy of Micheal Ignatieff for the federal Liberal leadership. I think Iggy's offering is a joke and I wrote my piece accordingly. You'll find it in the Canadian Politcs, Provincial Affairs forum in the thread titled Is Stephen Harper Taking Canada For A test Drive?. Enjoy.

I read it ... and it WASN'T enjoyable.

If it were up to you we wouldn't have had Ronald Reagan or Arnold Shwarzenegger who had lesser credentials and experience when they jumped in head first to lead 35 million people.

I think that what Iggy, Ronnie and Arnie have in common is that all three men are super honest individuals, want the best for people, recognize a great idea when they see one, and have a great acting talent to sell these ideas to people.

Let me ask you this .... If Ignatieff, Reagan and Schwarzenegger were all leaving their old jobs at the same time, and were applying for the job of Prime Minister or Governor who would you choose?

[geoffrey]

Reagan.

[Black Dog]

Let me ask you this .... If Ignatieff, Reagan and Schwarzenegger were all leaving their old jobs at the same time, and were applying for the job of Prime Minister or Governor who would you choose?

I'd pick Reagan too. As a mouldering corpse, what damage could he possibly do? (Granted he was pretty much brain-dead for most of his presidency and still managed to rack up massive defecits and bring the world to the brink of nuclear devestation, so maybe I'm underestimating corpse-Reagan's abilities here).

[betsy]

Let me ask you this .... If Ignatieff, Reagan and Schwarzenegger were all leaving their old jobs at the same time, and were applying for the job of Prime Minister or Governor who would you choose?

Scwarzennegger!

Only him can tell the whiners to "grow up you girly men!" with a straight face.

[Nocrap]

Let me ask you this .... If Ignatieff, Reagan and Schwarzenegger were all leaving their old jobs at the same time, and were applying for the job of Prime Minister or Governor who would you choose?

Scwarzennegger!

Only him can tell the whiners to "grow up you girly men!" with a straight face.

Ignatieff. I'm still researching the guy, but so far, so good. Maybe you should start a poll.

[Teddy Ballgame]

Ignatieff. I'm still researching the guy, but so far, so good. Maybe you should start a poll.

- ROTFPIMPALMFARO!!!

- I'm not sure which is funnier ... the notion of ALLCRAP "researching" Iggy or anyone or anyrthing else or, the notion that anyone with an IQ in even double digits could pick a political neophyte like Ignatieff over the former two term governor of California and two term president of the US like Reagan who is now conceeded even by liberal historians to have been the greatest of all US presidents since WWII.

- The Globe and Mail's resident left wing columnist and one of my least favourite columnists today wrote one of his rare columns with which I actually agree (other than his usual lefty slant on Iraq). Here it is:

Take yer lumps, Iggy

RICK SALUTIN

From Friday's Globe and Mail

* Note - Remainder of Post Removed Due to Copyright Infringment

[Nocrap]

Ignatieff. I'm still researching the guy, but so far, so good. Maybe you should start a poll.

- ROTFPIMPALMFARO!!!

- I'm not sure which is funnier ... the notion of ALLCRAP "researching" Iggy or anyone or anyrthing else or, the notion that anyone with an IQ in even double digits could pick a political neophyte like Ignatieff over the former two term governor of California and two term president of the US like Reagan who is now conceeded even by liberal historians to have been the greatest of all US presidents since WWII.

- The Globe and Mail's resident left wing columnist and one of my least favourite columnists today wrote one of his rare columns with which I actually agree (other than his usual lefty slant on Iraq). Here it is:

Take yer lumps, Iggy

RICK SALUTIN

From Friday's Globe and Mail

*Note - remove due to copyright infringment

Ok. twice you've told me that the Globe and Mail is a partisan paper, so I prefer not to form my opinions based on anything in that, or any other newpapers. I'm combing through things that Ignatieff wrote himself, before I form an opinion. I never liked Ronald Reagan and remember him best for his Iran-contra deal. I never chose Arnold Schwarzenegger, because well, he's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not a big fan.

The question was to choose one of the three, and to date he has no baggage for me. So perhaps the question should have been, who irks you the least? My answer would still be Iggy.

[Biblio Bibuli]

Ignatieff. I'm still researching the guy, but so far, so good. Maybe you should start a poll.

- ROTFPIMPALMFARO!!!

- I'm not sure which is funnier ... the notion of ALLCRAP "researching" Iggy or anyone or anyrthing else or, the notion that anyone with an IQ in even double digits could pick a political neophyte like Ignatieff over the former two term governor of California and two term president of the US like Reagan who is now conceeded even by liberal historians to have been the greatest of all US presidents since WWII.

- The Globe and Mail's resident left wing columnist and one of my least favourite columnists today wrote one of his rare columns with which I actually agree (other than his usual lefty slant on Iraq). Here it is:

Take yer lumps, Iggy

RICK SALUTIN

From Friday's Globe and Mail

1/ "He supported the war in Iraq" is supposed to be a negative?

2/ Sheila Copps?? Sheila Copps?????

3/ It's Rick Salutin.

I rest my case.

PS - And Teddy Ballpark is absolutely correct .... nobody but nobody with an IQ in the double digits will pick Ignatieff.

THEM'S THE BREAKS IGGY!!!

[Biblio Bibuli]

So perhaps the question should have been, who irks you the least? My answer would still be Iggy.

You found something on Iggy that irks you?

You know, we all have some petty unimportant faults and peccadillos, but so far I haven't been able to find even one of those on Michael Ignatieff.

But even if I did, people shouldn't get irked by other peoples' harmless peccadillos. We all have them.

Like for instance .... Benedict XVI & I, we both enjoy our beer but did you ever see Benny getting even a little irked at Jesus' peccadillo of turning water only into wine at every opportunity, yet never into pilsner?

[Teddy Ballgame]

people shouldn't get irked by other peoples' harmless peccadillos. We all have them.

Like for instance .... Benedict XVI & I, we both enjoy our beer but did you ever see Benny getting even a little irked at Jesus' peccadillo of turning water only into wine at every opportunity, yet never into pilsner?

- Poppa Benjie did indeed cut The Messiah some slack on the beer versus wine front, bearing in mind Jesus's own words, "Let he who is not yet stoned cast out the first sinner" or something along those lines.

[Biblio Bibuli]

- Poppa Benjie did indeed cut The Messiah some slack on the beer versus wine front, bearing in mind Jesus's own words, "Let he who is not yet stoned cast out the first sinner" or something along those lines.

Jesus was an alcoholic. There are no ifs ands or buts about that.