Federal Political Humour

[Canuck E Stan]

What's the difference between the Canadian government and the Mafia?

One of them is organized.

[Canuck E Stan]

At the end of the tax year the Revenue Canada sent a newly graduate hotshot tax inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the government auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking really hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to Revenue Canada, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Canuck E Stan]

A funeral service is being held for a much despised politician who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the politician is actually alive! He lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, a voice cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

[Canuck E Stan]

At Jean Chretien's retirement dinner, a reporter said, "Madame Chretien, your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chretien.

A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Aline, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, ‘Appiness’."

[Canuck E Stan]

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a Postman

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic" Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my Father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men"

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject but later in the school yard approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said "I'm sorry Miss, but my Dad is really a Member of Parliament in Ottawa, and I was just too embarrassed to say so"

[newbie]

Canuck E Stan, do you perhaps have a little too much time on your hands?

[Melanie_]

Well, if you do have too much time on your hands, I for one appreciate how you spend it! Keep 'em coming, Canuck E Stan, these are hilarious!

[Canuck E Stan]

God invited Martin and Layton to come talk to him in heaven. He says each of them can only ask one question.

"When will the Liberal scandals ever end?" asks Martin. "In forty years," answers God. "I regret that it will not happen in your lifetime."

"And when will the Canadian people elect the NDP as their government in power?" asked Layton. God answered, "I regret that it will not happen in my lifetime!"

[Canuck E Stan]

Martin gets a call from Belinda. "I've got a problem," says Belinda. "What's the matter?" asks Martin. "Well, you told me to keep busy in the Human Resources Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's it a picture of?" asks Martin. "A big rooster," replies Belinda. "All right," sighs Martin, "I'll come over and have a look." So he leaves his office and heads over to the Human Resources. Belinda points at the jigsaw on her desk. Martin looks at the desk and then turns to Belinda and says, "For crying out loud, Belinda - put the corn flakes back in the box."

[Renegade]

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency:

Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms.

"I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

[Canuck E Stan]

Two opposing politicians, Paul and Jack, head out for a charity match 9 holes of golf. Paul offers Jack a $50 bet. Jack agrees and they're off. They are having a great game. After the 8th hole, Jack is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball. Look over there,'" he says to Paul. After a few minutes, neither have any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Jack secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.

"After all of the years we've been in charity matches and playing together," Paul says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Paul says. "I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!

[Canuck E Stan]

After much debating during question period, a question was presented to the members across the floor.

"If there are any idiots in the house, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic Member of Parliament. After a long silence, one MP from across the floor rose to his feet.

"Now then, do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the MP with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the Opposing MP, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[Canuck E Stan]

An MP is already to run in the next election and was talking at a BBQ function with his constituents.

"The Opposition has constantly called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."

[Canuck E Stan]

Do you know the REAL reason the government jails people for theft?

It's because they don't want any competition.

[Canuck E Stan]

Three Canadians who all spent their adult lives working in the health care industry are killed in a train wreck. Shortly after, they find themselves in line at the Pearly Gates, waiting for admission into heaven. As they approach, Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

The first man steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”

Saint Peter says, “Enter.”

The second man says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped thousands of people overcome their problems."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.

The third man steps forward and says, “I was a Canadian government health minister. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”

Saint Peter tells him, “You may enter.”

As the health minister walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But first you must stand in that line over there for six months,then in this line for another six months then you can enter but you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

[Canuck E Stan]

A popular Ottawa bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out of the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, beer, and so on.

Amazed, the man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50."

The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for Martin again?"

[Canuck E Stan]

One afternoon, the Governor General was riding in the back of her limousine when she saw two men eating grass by the roadside. She ordered her driver to stop and she got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” she asked one man. “We're homeless and we don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the Governor General.

“But, madame, I have a wife and two children!”

“Bring them along!” replied the GG. She turned to the other man and said, “Come with us.”

“But madame, I have a wife and six children!” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!” answered the Governor General as she headed for her limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Madame, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The Governor General replied, “No problem. The grass at Rideau Hall is almost a foot tall.”

[Canuck E Stan]

A blind man walks into a Ottawa bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a Liberal joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm a Liberal. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is Liberal. The bouncer is Liberal. The man sitting over to your left is also a Liberal. Still wanna tell that Liberal joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

[Canuck E Stan]

A NDP'er, a Conservative, and a Liberal are in a bar when the bartender tells them about a magic mirror in the men's room. “Apparently,” he says, “the mirror gives rewards if you stare into it and say something true. But if you LIE, you’re sucked into the mirror and never heard from again.”

So the NDP'er goes to the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, “I think I’m the most socially responsible person in this bar.” A million dollars suddenly appears before him.

Then the Conservative heads into the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, “I think I’m the most fiscally responsible person in this bar.” The key to a new Ferrari materializes in his fingers.

Then the Liberal goes in, looks into the mirror, and begins, “I think…” And he’s sucked in and never heard from again.

[Canuck E Stan]

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

[Canuck E Stan]

Paul, Steven and Jack all get to heaven at the same time. God is sitting on the great, white throne.

God addresses Jack first.

God: Jack, what do you believe in?

Jack: Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from greenhouse gases. The whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die unless we do something to correct it through the Kyoto pact.

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Steven.

God: Steven, what do you believe in?

Steven: Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in democracy by the people.

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Paul.

God: Paul, what do you believe in?

Paul: I believe you're in my chair.

[Canuck E Stan]

A man starts his trip in a hot air balloon in Quebec but while flying realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 45 and 46 degrees north latitude and between 75 and 76 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an government worker," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be a Liberal Politician."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[Canuck E Stan]

An Alberta farmer was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new SUV with Ontario plates advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our farmer: "If I can tell you exactly how many calves you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The Alberta farmer looks at the dude, then at his peacefully grazing cattle and calmly answers "sure!" The dude parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi- tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our farmer and says: "you have here exactly 158 calves!"

"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the calves," says the farmer. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his SUV.

Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?"

"Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You are a political pollster," says the farmer.

"This is correct," says the dude, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy" answers the farmer. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my Great Dane."!

[Canuck E Stan]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person for the PM's office asked a young graduate fresh out of McGill, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The grad said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full one tier medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The New Grad sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Canuck E Stan]

After a long trip from Ottawa,a Quebec advertising agency executive walks into a Montreal bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes up to a customer service rep. and says, Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."

"Well excuse me, but this damn check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."

"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.

"Well then let's get the bad ass manager okay? I mean what kind of crap is this I have to take from you?"

The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"

The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."

The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this damn check for 15 million dollars."

The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this smart ass bitch won't help you?"