Federal Political Humour

[Canuck E Stan]

Stephane Dion and Elizabeth May begin talking about the next election and decide they can save a lot of money by campaigning together.

Someone comes up with the perfect vehicle for them to use for travelling across the country, a double-decker bus.

After painting the bus with slogans,they decide that the Greens will ride in the bottom of the bus and the Liberals will ride in the top level.

The Green team down below is having a great time, when one of Green worker realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Liberals upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the worker reaches the top, she finds all the Liberals frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the Liberals looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!!"

[Canuck E Stan]

A government bureaucrat sat at the table after breakfast one morning,engrossed in his newspaper for over an hour.

Finally he asked for another cup of coffee.

"Coffee" echoed his wife."But look at the time. Aren't you going to the office today?"

"Office?"exclaimed the startled man."Gees! I thought I was at the office."

[BC_chick]

I got this from an American friend.... given the Rumsfeld reference, it's obviously made its rounds.

Hope not to offend anyone, I just found it hilarious.

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone’s amazement, all the color ran from Bush’s face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, “Just exactly how many is a brazillion?”

[gc1765]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone’s amazement, all the color ran from Bush’s face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, “Just exactly how many is a brazillion?”

that's a good one!

[August1991]

A government bureaucrat sat at the table after breakfast one morning,engrossed in his newspaper for over an hour.

Finally he asked for another cup of coffee.

"Coffee" echoed his wife."But look at the time. Aren't you going to the office today?"

"Office?"exclaimed the startled man."Gees! I thought I was at the office."

Why do government bureaucrats read the newspaper in the morning?

The afternoon is reserved for looking out the window.

[RB]

Why do government bureaucrats read the newspaper in the morning?

The afternoon is reserved for looking out the window.

About 2 years ago I was surprised and dismayed by some information I read and for the first time I actually looked out of my office window for what it seemed like an entire afternoon. Reminiscing now, the view was dismal.

I never looked out of the window again.

[weaponeer]

This is the true account of how mankind has developed.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B- Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Toronto and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Canadians. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to Canada. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

[BC_chick]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been

going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.>

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,

walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45

minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she

approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for

all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow

up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a @#$%$ wall."

[jdobbin]

Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?

A: On Christmas, they give the presents TO the tree.

[guyser]

Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?

A: On Christmas, they give the presents TO the tree.

uh..........dont give up your day job there dobbin!