how do you deal with bad news?

[Guest American Woman]

how do you deal with a loss??.

I think you deal with it in baby steps. You don't have to think of the rest of your life, just try to get through the day, the hour, or even the next 15 minutes if that's what you have to do. It's too overwhelming to think beyond that sometimes, so I think it helps to just take small steps. Time does help, but sometimes the concept of that much time is so overwhelming that I think it helps to take it in small increments.

If you're suffering a loss, that means you were blessed with something good, so try to focus on that, too; the good memories help you remember that life has been good and will be good again. Thinking of all the things you have to be thankful for, even as you mourn your loss, helps.

A support group might be able to help, too. People who have been through the same thing or are going through it can offer insight and support.

And don't be afraid to cry. It's best to get it out.

[capricorn]

how do you deal with a loss??.

In my experience, having one close person to turn to for comfort is very important. In my case, my sister helped me through the first couple of weeks. After that most difficult period, I turned to my social club and attended functions to keep my mind busy and to feel "normal". The most difficult moments were when I was alone. Only time takes away that kind of emptiness. Only spending time with close family and friends in happy surroundings makes you appreciate life again.

It's important to be able to talk about it with people you trust. If things seem to get bleaker and more hopeless, a candid discussion with your family doctor is definitely recommended. There's always a lifeline somewhere waiting for you.

[August1991]

I punch things. I have a heavy bag, a speed bag, and some targets hung around my pad. Letting loose the anger, stress, and physical tension is a good first step in moving on to dealing productively with whatever the problem may be.

-k

Well, that's a mature approach to bad news. It reminds me of many bad Hollywood scripts.

----

Bad news comes in different forms. Some bad news requires action, and some bad news makes every action seem moot. If action is required, I have tried to avoid feeling bad so that I can think clearly about how to act. This is easiest when the action is simply routine, and requires little thought. It is hard to think clearly after bad news.

IME, some people confuse good, irrelevant and bad news. They confuse a trifling for good news, or consider another bad event as a trifling. They don't know what is truly bad news. For them, it takes years before they realize that the news was truly bad. In some cases, they never realize this.

Other people recognize the bad news immediately for what it is; and understand that their life has changed.

Edited March 3, 2010 by August1991

[M.Dancer]

When life deals you lemons, make lemonaide. Add vodka and ice and stir.

Repeat as needed.

[August1991]

By the way, in regards to the "stages of grief" thing, recent studies have shown that it has no basis in fact, it was just a model used by a particular scientist. Different people deal with grief differently and not everyone goes through these same stages in the same order.

The scientist was Kubler-Ross and it was well presented in the movie All That Jazz.

"It sounds like a Jewish law firm. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance."

Her theory gave rise to the now common expression of "being in denial".

Edited March 3, 2010 by August1991

[kimmy]

Well, that's a mature approach to bad news.

What's not mature about understanding your limitations?

Many people make the mistake of thinking their minds are idealized mechanisms of objective rationality.

They aren't. They're flawed organs that are subject to fatigue, stress, hormones of many sorts, hard-wired responses that we are often not even aware of, and most of all erroneous perceptions.

Your brain is full of things that were probably of great value to our species when our chief concern was finding food, defending your territory and your offspring, and not being killed by predators, but are of considerably less use when dealing with the complexities of modern life. Our brains aren't perfect rational devices, they're really flawed, especially mine. Nature and nurture have provided me with a temper that has gotten me into every kind of trouble imaginable. Understanding that shortcoming, and finding ways of coping with it, has been the central challenge of my life.

I read Bruce Lee's book as a teenager. The "Zen" and "Tao" parts went completely over my head; I was primarily interested in learning how to hit things. But one thing that did stay with me was the instruction to become a doll made of wood. I will probably never figure out exactly what that means. But expressing myself physically, and focusing my attention on that activity instead of on the source of my stress helps me get past all of that hard-wired, defending your territory and offspring type of instinctive response, and back to thinking like a rational human being. Understanding that I'm not thinking clearly for me is always the first step when I get upset, angry, frightened, or anything else. I think the best advice I can give to someone is to understand that you're probably not thinking clearly either, and find a way of dealing with that before you do anything else.

-k

[msdogfood]

What's not mature about understanding your limitations?

Many people make the mistake of thinking their minds are idealized mechanisms of objective rationality.

They aren't. They're flawed organs that are subject to fatigue, stress, hormones of many sorts, hard-wired responses that we are often not even aware of, and most of all erroneous perceptions.

Your brain is full of things that were probably of great value to our species when our chief concern was finding food, defending your territory and your offspring, and not being killed by predators, but are of considerably less use when dealing with the complexities of modern life. Our brains aren't perfect rational devices, they're really flawed, especially mine. Nature and nurture have provided me with a temper that has gotten me into every kind of trouble imaginable. Understanding that shortcoming, and finding ways of coping with it, has been the central challenge of my life.

I read Bruce Lee's book as a teenager. The "Zen" and "Tao" parts went completely over my head; I was primarily interested in learning how to hit things. But one thing that did stay with me was the instruction to become a doll made of wood. I will probably never figure out exactly what that means. But expressing myself physically, and focusing my attention on that activity instead of on the source of my stress helps me get past all of that hard-wired, defending your territory and offspring type of instinctive response, and back to thinking like a rational human being. Understanding that I'm not thinking clearly for me is always the first step when I get upset, angry, frightened, or anything else. I think the best advice I can give to someone is to understand that you're probably not thinking clearly either, and find a way of dealing with that before you do anything else.

-k

So true!!.

[August1991]

I was primarily interested in learning how to hit things. But one thing that did stay with me was the instruction to become a doll made of wood. I will probably never figure out exactly what that means. But expressing myself physically, and focusing my attention on that activity instead of on the source of my stress helps me get past all of that hard-wired, defending your territory and offspring type of instinctive response, and back to thinking like a rational human being.

Express your anger? That strikes me as a 1960s psychiatric version of 19th century political theory.

Kimmy, how did the war of August 1914 advance civilization?

----

It is obvious that we all gain more from cooperation but competition is better for some alone. The trick is to turn individual competition into collective cooperation.

[Bonam]

Express your anger? That strikes me as a 1960s psychiatric version of 19th century political theory.

Kimmy, how did the war of August 1914 advance civilization?

----

It is obvious that we all gain more from cooperation but competition is better for some alone. The trick is to turn individual competition into collective cooperation.

Expressing one's emotions in a non-destructive way is better than keeping them bottled up. Beating the sh*t out of a punching bag sounds like as good a method as any. I'd probably go blow up some stuff in a computer game if it was me, but it's all different methods of doing the same thing.

Your point about harnessing the individual tendency to compete so as to produce something of value in society is interesting (and the basis of free market economics) but hardly related to the OP's subject which is clearly related to dealing with personal loss.

[kimmy]

Express your anger? That strikes me as a 1960s psychiatric version of 19th century political theory.

It's nothing of the sort. It's an acknowledgment of the history and physiology of the human brain and nervous system.

Some are better at hiding it than others, but deep inside each and every one of us is an animal that wants to defend his tribe, protect her offspring, hunt and gather, belong to the tribe, reproduce, steer clear of bears, and all of the other things that kept us alive as a species. We're full of hardwired behaviors that take place automatically in many situations.

If someone verbally confronts you, you might be able to rationally resolve the situation without any harm coming to anyone... but while your brain is finding a positive solution, your adrenal glands have unloaded a big dose of hormones into your blood that are preparing your body to handle the situation primate-style.

-k

[August1991]

Expressing one's emotions in a non-destructive way is better than keeping them bottled up.

Such a Catholic view of life....

Confession.

If someone verbally confronts you, you might be able to rationally resolve the situation without any harm coming to anyone...

Uh, Lutheran?

No forgiveness.

-----

Keep it bottled up. Express it. God knows what is the best way to deal with Bad News.

Edited March 3, 2010 by August1991

[Bonam]

Such a Catholic view of life....

Confession.

Uh, Lutheran?

No forgiveness.

-----

Keep it bottled up. Express it. God knows what is the best way to deal with Bad News.

What's up with you suddenly wanting to classify every point of view by religion? Seriously what are you try to do in this thread? You seem to just be heckling other posters for no good reason, no real point to make.

[bloodyminded]

Kimmy's right. Letting loose some violence is a legitimate way to help overcome certain traumas.

Now, if everytime you get peeved at somebody, you feel the need to pound the walls, then yes you've got some problems with anger. But here we're talking about more profound upsets in our lives.

[jbg]

how do you deal with a loss??.

The Jewish approach to death and dying is unique, and has a lot to recommend to non-Jews. I have written elsewhere about my relationship to Judaism (link) but to my mind probably its best aspect, dictated at the end of Deuteronomy, is the concept of intense mourning followed by a speedy return to business as usual. Roughly speaking, the body is supposed to go into the ground within 48 hours, unless that's Shabbat or some other holiday. Then a seven (7) day (maximum) period of intense mourning, called Sh'va commences. The seven (7) days can be cut short by certain holidays. After that, the an intermediate period of mourning ends with the expiration of the thirty (30) day period of Scholshim (sp) following burial.

While the deceased continues to be remembered at Yizkor services at various times of the year and at Yartzite (sp) every year after the death, for all intents and purposes Jews are expected to resume normal activities after Scholshim. This is a relief and a tonic after what is often a long period of nursing the deceased through illness, and is one of the most attractive parts of the Jewish faith.

[Moonlight Graham]

I hope your children aren't included in that, or that they aren't around when you resort to violence to express your anger.

actually i think what kimmy does is quite healthy. Its not violence if the thing getting hurt is a punching bag.

That said, i wouldn't say its the 100% most ideal way to express anger. But it works and it harms nobody. If i had kids watching i wouldn't do it. Maybe i'd go off on my own and yell into a pillow or something.

[Guest American Woman]

Hitting things such as a punching bag, a pillow, etc., is actually taught as a good way to physically release anger in anger management classes; it's considered a healthy release of anger. For kids, too.

A punching bag is one of the most recommended items for children and adolescents in therapy.

link

Edited March 5, 2010 by American Woman