Awkward Moments

[betsy]

I cannot think of a more appropriate title for this topic.

As I was leaving the grocery store, a woman, accompanied by a teen, practically only a couple of feet away, called my name. My smile was automatic and stopped to say hi....but my mind was running fast trying to remember this woman, who looked vaguely familiar. Then i hit me! She's a mom who used to bring her kids to me, and she's been battling cancer. At first she was able to fight it off...and she was telling us about it. She's always been so friendly even then when her kids have no more need of a sitter. And I remember trying to give her some info from what I've read in magazines.

Then the cancer came back. Only last year we bumped into her husband and he told us that there is nothing they can do anymore.

She is obviously still fighting it....but perhaps she is winning...or that there is a chance. We talked about the kids....and the daycare...small pleasantries...

I never did ask her about her illness. I did not know if it is appropriate....that maybe she might not wish to talk of it especially in a public place. On the other hand I hope she didn't think I am not concerned about her well-being....or that I'm trying to avoid it....

What should've I done or said?

[DarkAngel_]

What should've I done or said?

to be honest, to preserve her pride, i would have done the same...

[Slavik44]

Maybe its just because I am young and maybe not as well versed in such social matters, but I think not mentioning said individuals upcoming death would be appreciated. Obviously I cannot place myself in the soon to be dead situation, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But if I were to pretend to the best of my ability, I would awager, that I might preciate being able to escape the thoughts of my impending death and just enjoy a normal social situation, it would be almost a gift. But who knows maybe we can all get together and write dear abby.

[guyser]

I would have said something.

Perhaps along the lines of "hey how goes the fight, if you need anything I can help"

And then move on. The worst thing to do is get those GD puppy dog eyes and plead "how are youuuuuuuuu?" That would make her insane.

As I am dealing with Cancer right now, I can tell you the last one is the worst. People who every f***ing day ask the same thing with virtual tears in her eyes. Drives me nuts.

And if it was/is your close friend, believe me, I can at least tell them to shut up or bugger off and I dont want to talk about it , and they know I am their friend and tired of talking about it.

It is harder for the social moments with acquaintances.

If you see her again, let her know you know, and that will be enough. Dont dwell on it.

[Liam]

My ex died this past summer at age 38 after a 5 year battle with cancer. I will defer to Guyser who is going through it himself/herself(?), but I know from my own experience of living with someone with cancer, we'd often wish people would have just engaged us in normal conversation rather than have us repeat the same litany about recent treatments and doctors' opinions. Sentiment can sometimes come across as pity and, as Guyser alluded, pity is always awful.

Even if you have doubts, don't beat yourself up over it -- I think you did the right thing and acted perfectly well.

[guyser]

My condolences on your loss Sir.

Tragic, and way too young.

I defer to your post . Thats exactly what I wanted to say, you did a better job.

[DarkAngel_]

well my mom had breast cancer when i was 8-9 years old, it was mostly hard to talk at all, she seemed to reject happieness and despair, i remeber pure apathy.... it's hard to speak to someone who has pernounced themselves dead, but i did see, once we ingaged into treatment, a good amount of hope, she seemed to draw strength from her indian heritage, and still lives to this day!

i hope that this new nano-tech comes out sucseessful in curing cancer, i put all my hope in that in case my moms cancer reappears.

[MightyAC]

My dad currently has lung cancer. He beat it twice in the past. Each time he was clear for a couple years and then another tumor would appear in a different location near the previous one. This time the tumor isn’t going away. It is currently dormant so my dad is happy that it’s not spreading and happy not to be going through chemo. I have no problem talking to him about it but I know him pretty well.

When I first read this post I almost replied and said that of course it is best to ask about how they are doing. Then just the other day I ran into the mother of a friend of mine at the grocery store. She just had a mastectomy a week before Christmas and will start chemo this week. I saw her at the end of the aisle I was walking down and I almost turned around before she noticed me. What a strange sensation.

I hadn’t talked to her in quite sometime so we exchanged questions about each other’s families for a minute or two. As the conversation went on I kept wondering if I should ask her how she was feeling but it just felt too awkward. I didn’t know if she wanted to talk about it or just stick to the catching up. Anyway, out of the blue another old acquaintance came over to say hi, then immediately asked her how her treatment was going. As it turns out she had no problem talking about it. So I was left looking like an uncaring idiot for not asking despite knowing about her condition.

Anyway, next time I run into someone with a medical condition I hope I have the courage to ask them about it…but who knows I may just freeze up again and be left feeling like a coward. I think if someone really doesn’t want to discuss their health they’ll make it known. So for now on my new policy will be to ask questions first and be told to shut up later.

[JerrySeinfeld]

I think you should have hung aruond and engaged in a real conversation.

People who truly care about the other people they run into would stop and have a real conversation showing genuine interest in their lives.

If it's a 30 second "hey nice to run into you - by the way how is your cancer?" - that's shallow and inappropriate.

But if you have genuine interest in the person and finding out how their life is going - in all aspects, then you will stand there and have a good talk. If the comfort level is there an you have reconnected and established true human concern for the other person (as opposed to the shallow "great to see you" BS that we're all guilty of from time to time), then I think you can ask how things are going with the illness.

Nobody who is ill has a problem with genuine concern. But some don't like the morbid curiosty Q&A that they often must endure.

My two cents.

[M.Dancer]

What should've I done or said?

So a friend of mine had stomach cancer. It was terminal. When I finally saw him I brought it up and I said Len, I hear you have the biggest challenge yet ahead....he laughed.

He even made light of it. Said he also had sclerosis of the liver, so he was lucky, far better to die of the drink than cancer.

[fellowtraveller]

My father in law ran into an old friend he had not seen for several years, who had moved overseas where his wife died suddenly. My FIL blanked out briefly on the fact that the poor mans wife had died. They exchanged pleasantries for a few moments, catching up on things, when my FIL truly put his foot in his mouth and asked 'How is Ethel? (the dead wife)". Just as the words came out of his mouth, he belatedly remembered she had died, realized his major gaffe. To his complete horror, the next words blurted out of his mouth were "Is she still dead?".

He told me he thought of turning and running in shame at that point. His old friend stared at him for a minute, then burst out laughing, laughing so hard he could barely stand. They went for several unscheduled beers, the friend said later the laughter was a cathartic release for him. They are closer now too. as friends.

And our family has a classic story about one of its members.