Federal Political Humour

[Canuck E Stan]

A new young accountant working his first job in the Government Finance department spends a week at his new office with the retiring Civil Servant accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.

After he retires, the new Civil Servant Accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.

Credits in the column toward the window."

[Canuck E Stan]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not ready yet. He is greeted by the doorman, who explains, "I hope you will not mind staying in the Canadian government dormitory, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others We are very sorry!"

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dormitory. They enter and Albert is introduced to his four deceased Canadian government roommates.

The doorman states, "Here is your first room mate, a former worker for the National Research Council and he has an IQ of 180!"

"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics and mathematics!"

Next the doorman introduces his second roommate, saying,he used to work in the Canadian Forces as a spy “His IQ is 150!"

"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss military strategy"

Further along, the doorman says "And here is your third room mate,formally with the CBC . His IQ is 100!"

"That's wonderful! We can discuss Wayne and Shuster and the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I was a top level consultant to the finance minister, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

[Canuck E Stan]

A Quebec advertising agency executivet died and, as luck would have it, went to heaven. There were millions of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To the executive's surprise, St. Peter rose from the heaps of files and papers at his desk by the Gates, strolled briskly down the long line to where the ad executive stood, and greeted him warmly. He walked the executive to the front of the line and ushered him into a comfortable chair by his desk. St. Peter sat on the other side and stared at the ad agency executive wonderingly.

After a moment, the executive said, "I have to say I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "I'm simply amazed by your apparent good health. I've added up all the hours for which you billed your Federal government, and by my calculations you're 214 years old!"

[mirror]

Try laughing at yourself once in awhile. It might do you some good. Your one-sided jokes are a bit tiresome.

Some good advice

By: The Brandon Sun  Email Story Printer Friendly Version

Federal New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton was scheduled to speak in Beausejour yesterday afternoon to a Youth Activist Retreat — in essence, another word for the next generation of tree-huggers, social activists and assorted firebrands who will form the core of the NDP in another 20 years.

Here are some excerpts of what Layton might have said in Beausejour, plus a comparison on tips and activities one would hear if Prime Minister Paul Martin attended a Young Liberal Love-In and Conservative leader Stephen Harper attended a Tiny Tory Boot Camp:

Layton: “Good afternoon. Never forget, ideas are the most important thing in politics.”

Harper: “Principles are what’s most important in politician’s life.”

Martin: “Stealing other people’s ideas and pretending you have principles will make sure you keep power — which, don’t forget, is the most important thing in politics.”

Layton: “When you get to university, stop showering — patcholi scent covers body odour nicely, wear plenty of hemp clothing and plan at least one ‘action’ every month.”

Harper: “When you start attending classes, wear that blue suit that’s too small for your dad every day and complain about how the income taxes you don’t pay because you’re a student are far too high.”

Martin: “When you start university, sleep in, party hard and take the easiest classes. But make sure you spend at least a little time signing up friends who know how to vote the right way at the next leadership convention.”

Layton: “This is a black arm band. Tie it around your sleeve to show people you’re raging against the machine.”

Harper: “This is a double Windsor knot. Tie it around your neck to show people you’re part of the machine.”

Martin: “This is a brown envelope containing unmarked, non-sequential bills. Please accept it in return for working on my Quebec re-election campaign.”

Layton: “Everyone in authority is out to get you.”

Harper: “Everyone in the media is out to get you.”

Martin: “Are you out to get me? Oh sorry, I forgot — we only stick knives in the back of every second Liberal leader.”

Layton: “Thank you. Now together let’s sing a resounding chorus of Solidarity Forever.”

Harper: “Thanks. Who wants to sing Macho Man by the Village People? I’m already dressed like the cowboy!”

Martin: “Thank you so much. Now let’s write a campaign song together about how Stephen Harper will destroy medicare and kick puppies if he ever gets my job.”

 

[Canuck E Stan]

The Prime Minister of Canada was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. A few days later when the Prime Minister returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

[crazymf]

Try laughing at yourself once in awhile. It might do you some good. Your one-sided jokes are a bit tiresome.

Some good advice

By: The Brandon Sun  Email Story Printer Friendly Version

Federal New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton was scheduled to speak in Beausejour yesterday afternoon to a Youth Activist Retreat — in essence, another word for the next generation of tree-huggers, social activists and assorted firebrands who will form the core of the NDP in another 20 years.

Here are some excerpts of what Layton might have said in Beausejour, plus a comparison on tips and activities one would hear if Prime Minister Paul Martin attended a Young Liberal Love-In and Conservative leader Stephen Harper attended a Tiny Tory Boot Camp:

Layton: “Good afternoon. Never forget, ideas are the most important thing in politics.”

Harper: “Principles are what’s most important in politician’s life.”

Martin: “Stealing other people’s ideas and pretending you have principles will make sure you keep power — which, don’t forget, is the most important thing in politics.”

Layton: “When you get to university, stop showering — patcholi scent covers body odour nicely, wear plenty of hemp clothing and plan at least one ‘action’ every month.”

Harper: “When you start attending classes, wear that blue suit that’s too small for your dad every day and complain about how the income taxes you don’t pay because you’re a student are far too high.”

Martin: “When you start university, sleep in, party hard and take the easiest classes. But make sure you spend at least a little time signing up friends who know how to vote the right way at the next leadership convention.”

Layton: “This is a black arm band. Tie it around your sleeve to show people you’re raging against the machine.”

Harper: “This is a double Windsor knot. Tie it around your neck to show people you’re part of the machine.”

Martin: “This is a brown envelope containing unmarked, non-sequential bills. Please accept it in return for working on my Quebec re-election campaign.”

Layton: “Everyone in authority is out to get you.”

Harper: “Everyone in the media is out to get you.”

Martin: “Are you out to get me? Oh sorry, I forgot — we only stick knives in the back of every second Liberal leader.”

Layton: “Thank you. Now together let’s sing a resounding chorus of Solidarity Forever.”

Harper: “Thanks. Who wants to sing Macho Man by the Village People? I’m already dressed like the cowboy!”

Martin: “Thank you so much. Now let’s write a campaign song together about how Stephen Harper will destroy medicare and kick puppies if he ever gets my job.”

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's not funny, witty or in any way humorous. It's true though.

[mirror]

I think you need to develop a sense of humour.

That brandon sun article was the first time in over 100 posts here that the Cons were included as part of the joke. Get over it!

[Canuck E Stan]

What do you call a man who ignores his doctors' advice?

The Minister of Health.

[Canuck E Stan]

In recent negotiations for influenza vaccine between a Canadian health

official and an American representative, it was clear that there was a

disconnect between the American government's sudden reliance on

Canada for influenza vaccine despite the fact that the U.S.wants to

discourage Americans from buying routine prescription drugs from Canadian

pharmacies. Not seeing the irony in the request, the American continued

to press for the vaccine and then demanded to know why the United States

would be charged for the vaccine when Canadians get theirs "for free."

The Canadian official replied, "Oh it's not free, the government pays for

it."

"Well then," the American replied, "How much will it cost us?"

The Canadian replied, "Well, we don't know...we'll let you know." In

frustration, the American replied, "Well, it's urgent, so just

send an invoice with the shipment. By the way...how will the vaccine be

delivered?"

Twenty vials of vaccine will be tied around the neck of every cow

that passes over the border. Now...if you want faster delivery, there

are some some softwood lumber trucks available..."

[crazymf]

I think you need to develop a sense of humour. 

That brandon sun article was the first time in over 100 posts here that the Cons were included as part of the joke. Get over it!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'll see your and raise you a . My sense of humor is great. I crap on all the parties regularly. I didn't see a developing story to base a punchline on. All I saw was lame policy parodies with no ending. It just sort of stopped. Oh wait, that's why it must have been funny, because it wasn't.HAHAHAHA A little reverse humor there. Now I get it. Good one.

[Riverwind]

That brandon sun article was the first time in over 100 posts here that the Cons were included as part of the joke. Get over it!

Actually, many of Canuck E Stan's jokes are funny even if you reverse the bias in the jokes. I am guilty of repeating 'modified' versions to others with excellent results.

[crazymf]

Guys, who cares? It's pretty bad when humor incites partisan bickering. Just laugh at the jokes and post some more for us to read.

I even found something funny about mirrors joke.

[mirror]

sparhawk....I agree.

[Canuck E Stan]

Paul Martin had just been named the Prime Minister of Canada. Chretin, who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes: #1, #2 and #3.

"Open deese if you run up against da problem you don't tink you can solve," the departing Prime Minister said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, the polls took a downturn and Martin was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

Martin, the new Prime Minister, called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous Prime Minister . Satisfied with his comments, the press – and the Canadian public – responded positively, the polls began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

Some time later, the government was again experiencing a dip in the polls, combined with a serious scandel problem. Having learned from his previous experience, the Prime Minister quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, changed cabinet members and put his Liberal friends into high profile government positions. This change quickly rebounded the government in the polls.

Time passed and after several more bad calls and controversial issues , the government again had problems in the polls. Martin went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

[Canuck E Stan]

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the government, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[Canuck E Stan]

A young man was hired by a political leader and reports for his first day of work.

The leader greets him with a hearty handshake and smile, hands him a coffee pot and says, "Your first job will be to get us a pot of coffee ."

"Get a pot of coffee, but I'm a PHd graduate in political science," the young man indignantly replied.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the leader."Here, give me the pot - I'll show you how first."

[Canuck E Stan]

A recent PHd grad in political science was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the he turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that

flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow

passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said

to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about Canadian politics?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer

excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a

horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the recent grad. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to

discuss Canadian politics when you don't know crap?"

[Canuck E Stan]

- It's not that good politicians are hard to find,

it's just that bad politicians are so hard to get rid of.

[mirror]

Two former women MPs are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on

how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to

get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband

was cheating, so I came home early

to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den

watching TV.

1st woman: so what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I

started running all over the house looking

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I

went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up

until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I

just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be

alive.

[mirror]

- from Paul Wells

I've been thinking a lot about classical music again lately (because does anybody really want to think about Canadian politics all the time?)

[Canuck E Stan]

After sitting in the public gallery during question period, a little boy gets to meet his local MP,

"When I grow up, I'm going to contribute some money to your campaign."

"Well, thank you," replied the MP, "but why?"

"Because my Daddy says you're one of the poorest

MPs we've ever had."

[Canuck E Stan]

An angel appears at a political caucus meeting and tells the political leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The leader sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

[Canuck E Stan]

Paul Martin decides to take the media to a local neighbourhood barbershop where he plans on getting a photo op haircut from a everyday average guy barber.

Martin enters the shop and aske the barber, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?" All the while smiling for the reporters and photographers.

The local neighbourhood barber replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Martin looked into the mirror in horror and barber handed him a bill for $200.

Martin gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"

the local neighbourhood barber replied, "That makes us even."

[Canuck E Stan]

This is Canada in the future, Martin has just been elected again with his fourteenth minority government and the Canadian Space Agency is the best in the world.

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at CSA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr.Stronach-Anders (grandson of Belinda and Rob), the head scientist at CSA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the Prime Minister of Canada.

He picked up a special i-pod phone, and spoke into it.

"Mr. Prime Minister," said Dr. Stronach-Anders, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of surplus dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible ... we could never do it. ... yes Mr. Prime Minister," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "the Prime Minister said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars ... he wants us to try to find it in Parliament."

[Canuck E Stan]

Just before an election an MP chokes to death in the Parliamentary cafeteria while chewing on a Texas steak(America Day in the cafeteria that day). His family decides to sue the cafeteria for negligence for offering American beef instead of Alberta beef,on the assumption that had the MP eaten Alberta beef he wouldn't have choked.

As he cross-examined the coroner, the defense attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?"

"No," the coroner replied.

"Oh? Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate," the attorney asked with a smirk, "You had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

"Let me put it this way," the badgered coroner replied. "The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But," he added, "I guess that he could still be out there campaigning somewhere."