Federal Political Humour

[Canuck E Stan]

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation in Northern Quebec asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a young Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, not wanting to admit his ignorance,and to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called Environment Canada in Ottawa and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called Environment Canada again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at Ottawa's Environment Canada office, replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the meteorologist again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The meteorologist replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[Canuck E Stan]

Paul Martin walks into his church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I turned the same sex marriage bill into law”

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”

“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks Paul.

“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smartass smirk off your face.”

[Canuck E Stan]

A MP tells his doctor in Ottawa he’s unable to do all the important things in Parliament that he used to do. After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.”

“In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor.

“OK. Now give me a medical term, so I can tell my constituents.”

[Canuck E Stan]

Stanley Livingston, in deepest Africa, finds a cannibal restaurant. The specialty of the day is brains - fried Terrorist brains for ten bucks, sautéed Lawyer brains for twenty-five bucks, and roasted Politician brains for two hundred bucks. Livingston, perplexed, asks the waiter why the Politician brains are so costly. The waiter snorts, "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?"

[Canuck E Stan]

Having politicians make decisions is like having doctors make diseases.

[Canuck E Stan]

Eleven Liberals caucus members were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and Belinda. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to choose the person, but then Belinda made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to sacrificing everything for her Political Party, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

[Canuck E Stan]

Politicians are like old gas lawn mowers,

they're hard to get started,emit loud noises, and don't work half the time.

[Canuck E Stan]

A few years back,Jean Chretien was meeting with officials in Flin Flon [Manitoba].

It was a very hot day and the ceremonies took place outside in a local grandstand.

The Mayor was surprised to see that Chretien was wearing a large fox fur hat, despite the heat. After a while the mayor leaned over and spoke up.

"Excuse me Mr. Prime Minister, but I can't help wondering why you are wearing that fox hat when it is so warm?"

Chretien shrugged. "Well, you know 'ow it is",

he replied. "My wife is da dresser in my family, so I always take 'er advise.

If I go to de Maritime,

she say 'Wear da toque'. If I go to Calgaree, she say

'Wear da stetson'.

Dis time she ask me where I go and I say Flin Flon.

She say 'Wear de fucks 'at ?'

So I did!

[Canuck E Stan]

MP Nina Grewal accompanied her husband Grumant to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called Nina into his office alone.

"Grumant is suffering from a very severe tape worm disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix Grumant a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, Grumant asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

[Canuck E Stan]

During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my neighbour, Anne, about party politics. Finally, she asked me why I was such a dedicated Conservative.

I told her that my Father and grandfather were Conservatives before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition.

"That's it?" said my exasperated neighbour. "What if your Father and grandfather had been horse thieves?"

"Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Liberal like you."

[Canuck E Stan]

NO JOKE!! MUST READ!!! WARNING!

PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

If you get an envelope from a company called the Revenue Canada,' DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year.

Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the Canadian government. This is untrue! The money that Revenue Canada collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Human Resources and Skills Development Canada, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the Human Resources and Skills Development Canada uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects that Revenue Canada helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Canadians out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW .

[Canuck E Stan]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, all the Catholics in a close knit community of Montreal got up early and went to their local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one, Paul Martin Jr.,who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to Paul and said, "Don't you know who I am?" Paul replied, "As a matter of fact, I do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "the fact is I'm not," said Paul. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" Paul calmly replied, "I worked as finance minister for your brother for 10 years."

[Canuck E Stan]

The Federal Government is like a tree full of monkeys...

all on different limbs,... at different levels,...

some climbing up.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of

smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but

assholes.

[SirSpanky]

I'd just like to thank Mr. Canuck; I posted this thread on my football teams forum, and we love it! Keep them coming.

[Canuck E Stan]

Every nation in attendance at an international symposium on deer had to deliver a report on the animals.

France's report: "The Love Life of an deer."

America saw the economic values in: "Raising deer for Fun and Profit."

Great Britain had their own unique view: "The deer and the British Empire."

The Canadian report was, of course, typically Canadian... "The Deer: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"

[Canuck E Stan]

One cold winter day two NDPers were ice fishing at -38c on the Rideau River (a big river that passes through Ottawa) when all of a sudden the ice breaks, and the two NDPers drown and go to hell. In hell the devil sees the NDPers, and sees that they are so happy because it was warm in hell. Since you can’t have fun in hell the Devil turns up the heat, but the hotter it gets the happier the NDPers are. Ticked off the Devil turns down the heat so much that hell froze over. The devil thought that the NDPers were sure to be miserable now, but when he looked they were happier than ever. Fed up with this the devil goes to the two NDPers and asked why they were so happy. They tell him that since Hell froze over the NDPers must have won the next Federal election and that Jack Layton is prime minister.

[Canuck E Stan]

A family of Liberal supporters head out one Saturday to do some birthday shopping.

While in a mall T-shirt shop, the son picks up a Conservative T-shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Conservative supporter and I'd like this T-shirt for my birthday!"

The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

Off goes the lad, with the Conservative T-shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum","Yes, son ?", "I've decided I'm going to be a Conservative supporter and I'd like this T-shirt for my birthday."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the Conservative T-shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad." "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Conservative supporter and I would like this T-shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have". Father says,"Good son, and what is it?"

The son replies "I've only been a Conservative supporter for an hour and already I hate you Liberal bastards!!!"

[Canuck E Stan]

One day the Liberal secret scientist spoke to Paul Martin. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The scientist said.

Paul looked at the scientist and replied, "The fact is, you should give me the good news first."

Smiling, the Liberal secret scientist explained, "I've got two new improved pills for the Federal Liberal MP's, one is called the Super-X brain pill. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with each other. The other pill I have for you is called a Super-Toonie-Loonie pill. It will give you great abilities to do financial calculations and allow you to use money wisely, and never waste taxpayer money ever again. Liberals,those especially in Ontario will be very happy that you now have these pills to give to your MP's to prevent corruption and stupidity in government"

Paul, very excited, exclaimed, "The fact is,these are great pills you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such a great breakthrough?"

The Scientist looked at Paul and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two pills at the same time."

[Canuck E Stan]

Carol Parrish and Jack Layton decide they will tell Paul Martin their plan to do something about the Americans. So in a secret meeting (where Carol hopes to get back into the Liberal party and Jack hopes that Paul will give them the budget money he promised), they tell Paul about their plan to deal with the Americans.The plan is to declare war on the USA.

Paul listens to the idea and hems and haws about it. He finally decides it could be a good idea. It would build up his popularity with fellow Liberals and take the media away from the Ad Scam scandal and the GG.

The next day, to the delight of Carol and Jack, Paul calls George W.Bush Jr.

"Hello George, this is Paul, Paul Martin up here in Canada," says Paul. "And the fact is,I'm phoning to tell you that I'm declaring war on the United States."

Well, Paul," George replies, "this indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Paul after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my Deputy Minister, my Finance Minister, and the entire Canadian army, for a total of 60,003."

George sighs and says "I must tell you Paul that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my word."

OK," says Paul. "I'll have to call you back!"

The next day Paul calls back. "George, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be Paul?" George asks.

"Well, we have some Sea Kings helicopters, four subs,a whole bunch of light armoured vehicles, a Reverse Osmosis Water Purification Unit and we can rent a huge Russian Airplane to carry all this stuff in a week's notice!"

Once more George sighs and says, "I must tell you Paul that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armoured cars and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Is that a fact!" says Paul. "I'll have to call you back!"

Paul calls again the next day. "George, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've decked out the Snowbirds with some Uzi machine guns that we picked up at the border last week and the Team Canada Hockey team has joined us as well!"

Once more George sighs and says "I must tell you Paul that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 highly manoeuvrable attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser-guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."

"Oh cripes," says Paul. "I'll have to call you back."

Paul calls again the next day. "George, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm very sorry to hear that," says George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paul, "My team and I have had a chat and the fact is, there's no way we can cope with two million prisoners of war."

[Canuck E Stan]

An Employment Canada business consultant was at a pier in a small coastal Newfoundland village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several extra large herrings. The Consultant complimented the Newfoundlander on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The fisherman replied only a little while.

The consultant then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The Employment Canada consultant then asked the fisherman how he spent the rest of his time.

The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Flora, stroll into the village each evening where I drink screech and play celtic music on my guitar with my buddies. I have a full and busy life."

The consultant scoffed, "I am business consultant and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.

"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Montreal, then Toronto and eventually Ottawa where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "But , how long will this all take?"

To which the consultant replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?" asked the fisherman.

The consultant laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions?" replied the fisherman. "Then what?"

The consultant said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could drink screech and play your guitar with your buddies."

[crazymf]

Bill clinton was being questioned about the affairs he had

with paula jones and monica lewinsky and they asked him "did

you do any of the sexual acts with paula that you did with monica?"

and he replied, "close but no cigar!"

***************************************

The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that

Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular

entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is

too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated

meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex

and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says

there is too much bush.

[Canuck E Stan]

Three boys are in the Ottawa schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a Federal government civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

[crazymf]

Two guys walk into a bar look over and see a guy that looks

just like Hitler. They decide that they had better inform the man

of this before he goes out and gets beat up.

The first man says, "Excuse me sir, but we just thought that we'd

let you know that you look just like Hitler, and you better be careful

where you walk."

The man looks up and says "Oh, that's because I AM Hitler."

The two men look at each other, and the second man asks "Did you

just say that you are Hitler?"

The man sitting down says, "Yes, that is what I said. You see,

I've been hiding out in Bolivia and reassembling my army to take

over the world. First we're going to kill all the Jews, then we're

going to kill all the baseball players."

Again the two men look puzzled at eachother, then ask "Why are you

going to kill the baseball players?"

The man sitting down then exclaims "See, I told you nobody cared

about the Jews!!!!!!!!"

[crazymf]

The fifth recount of Florida votes still showed it "too

close to call," so Bush and Gore met in secret to decide who

would concede the election. After days of discussion they

decided to use a simple coin toss.

It was agreed Gore would toss the coin and Bush would call

it.

Gore tossed the coin high into the air.

"Heads!" shouted Bush.

The coin hit the ground and began to roll on its edge in a

circle. The circle became smaller and smaller as the speed

of the coin slowed. It stopped rolling, still on its edge.

Finally, after agonizing minutes, it fell. TAILS!

"I won! I won!" shouted Bush, "just like I thought was right

all along!"

"What do you mean, you won?!" said Gore, "it's tails. You

called heads."

"I thought the coin toss was for who would CONCEDE..." said

Bush. "That means I won! You have to concede since you won

the toss."

"No, it was for who would WIN," said Gore.

"You confused me," said Bush.... "I thought it was the other

way around," he said dejectedly.

After a long pause Gore's smile came back to his face as he

shouted, "Two out of three!"

[Canuck E Stan]

In the Department of Finance,Finance Minister Ralph Goodale was interviewing people for an important division manager position. He decided to interview people from all professions so that everyone would get a fair shake at getting the job.He decided to select the individual that could best answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

An engineer was first, he pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

Then came a mathematician, who said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."

The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."

The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."

The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.

The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the Province of Ontario, 2+2 was declared to be 4."

The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"

The accountant looked at the Finance Minister, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to Ralph Goodale, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"