A shattered history

[Sir Bandelot]

We have a kid living in our house now, who has basically lived in foster homes and out on the street all is life. Well, by kid I mean, he's nearly nineteen years old. His mother, who was quite young when he was born hated him. She abused him (and apparently his younger brother and sister too) and he was eventually taken from her by childrens aid and raised in group homes, sometimes going to live with his grandparents. He now attends high school and wants to get his grade 12 diploma, so spends his days there. He gets some money from the government, some kind of welfare I think, to help him live on his own.

Last month he was evicted from his apartment and had no place to live. He spent a night in the park with a bag of clothes and his pet cat. He was unable to keep his meager furniture, since he had no car and no one helped him move. I met him a few weeks before this happened, as he is friends with one of my kids but I was told that he's not well liked, by most people who know him. When I met him though, I could tell he was just another troubled teenager, like almost all of them that I know in this area. I consider myself a good judge of character and am a tough but fair guy, and I have been a leader of men and could tell that he was just a normal, dumb kid with no vision of a future. I have allowed him to move into my basement until he finds a place to live on his own again. So now he has been living here.

My wife and I provide a secure home for our three teenagers, where they have everything they could want. Due to the nature of our jobs and lifestyle, we are home a lot and spend a good amount of time with our kids. We are not the type of parents who are too busy making money or having our own fun, to pay attention to what's going on in their lives. This unfortunately seems to be unusual from what I can see. Most of the people we know are divorced, single parent families where the kid gets passed around whenever they're an "inconvenience". For him this must be a totally novel experience.

Strangely the kid does seem to like me and has come up at times when I'm having morning coffee, and sat with me and told me about his family, his mother, his drug addicted father and violent stepfather, his runaway brother who is 16. When we talk I try not to be too judgmental or preachy, just listen and try understand. But I don't know what to say. Maybe there's nothing I can say... I see a person who's been neglected all his life, never had much of anything that really matters, spends most of his time alone. But this kid is not bad, that's what really the sad thing is. Given a chance he would be just like anyone else. But his life so far has molded him into what he is, if he even lives a lot longer... suicide is not an uncommon thought for people like this.

His family seems wholly indifferent, to say the least. Although they must know he's living with us right now, they have never called, let alone offered to let him live with them. Not their problem.

I know he's into booze and drugs and smokes too much. What I'd like to do is help him get on the right track, but I don't know what to do. I've taken him out to play a bit of ball hockey with some of the other lads, try to get him to feel included. I don't know how to show someone like this the way, when all they've ever known is indifference, or outright contempt from the very ones who should matter the most- the family. There's simply nothing to build on here, no reason for a hope for tomorrow, no chance. A shattered history.

What's sadder still, I know, is there's thousands just like him in every city. It angers me that this is happening all around us, while we carry on, oblivious to it. Not wanting to see it, acknowledge it. I know our society is very extravagant and wasteful, yet we prefer to look away from people like this, specifically, kids who are born into abusive homes and neglected. But at least the system does offer them some, minimal support.

In a few weeks he'll be moving on, to his own apartment. If anyone knows anything about dealing with people like this, or if any of you are professionals, therapists, youth councilors, advice is appreciated.

[Bonam]

I know he's into booze and drugs and smokes too much. What I'd like to do is help him get on the right track, but I don't know what to do. I've taken him out to play a bit of ball hockey with some of the other lads, try to get him to feel included. I don't know how to show someone like this the way, when all they've ever known is indifference, or outright contempt from the very ones who should matter the most- the family. There's simply nothing to build on here, no reason for a hope for tomorrow, no chance. A shattered history.

What's sadder still, I know, is there's thousands just like him in every city. It angers me that this is happening all around us, while we carry on, oblivious to it. Not wanting to see it, acknowledge it. I know our society is very extravagant and wasteful, yet we prefer to look away from people like this, specifically, kids who are born into abusive homes and neglected. But at least the system does offer them some, minimal support.

In a few weeks he'll be moving on, to his own apartment. If anyone knows anything about dealing with people like this, or if any of you are professionals, therapists, youth councilors, advice is appreciated.

While I'm sure what you are doing to try to help out this unfortunate individual is admirable, in my opinion you should really be concerned about your safety and that of your kids. Someone in his situation likely has many unsavory acquaintances: drug dealers, gang members, etc. A situation could easily materialize where your family is put in grave physical danger as a result of associating with this kid. Anyway, hopefully it'll all turn out for the best for you and perhaps you'll have some positive influence on this guy. Unfortunately, it probably takes a lot longer than a few weeks to have any shot of "fixing" someone whose life has been that messed up.

[bloodyminded]

You're a good man, SB, and it's little wonder he likes you. My guess is that he actually respects you.

There's little you can do personally in such a short time (and you've already done far more than most would do); but even the little bit of kindness and stability he's witnessed might have some sort of positive influence on him.

Edited April 25, 2011 by bloodyminded

[betsy]

Sir Bandelot, this young man clearly feels comfy with you. Having someone to confide in, to talk to, to pour out his heart to....that's what he needs the most I think.

I'm no therapist or psychologist, but even though he's moved out....perhaps you and he can still maintain that line of communication open. However, it's important too to remember that this fellow is on drugs. They can be manipulative, because of their addiction....so proceed with caution.

Hopefully as the friendship and respect deepens, you could talk him into assessing where he is right now and where he wants to go. You cannot talk someone into rehab...it has to come from their own will - the desire to tackle and beat their own demon.

You can only help inspire and and nurture that desire in him to beat drugs....and even if he falls off the wagon as most of them do, you'll be there to help him get on again....continuing with what you do now, without being judgemental.

This man is lucky to have found you. God bless you both.

Edited April 25, 2011 by betsy

[cybercoma]

I'm not therapist or youth counsellor, but if I were in your situation and seemed to earn the respect of this guy there's a couple things you could probably do. If you let him move out and live on his own, he'll probably just revert back to the lifestyle he has been living. What you could do, it depends on the how dangerous you feel this kid is to you and your family, is allow him to get his shit together, but in make him an offer. You will give him the comfort and security of a home and the opportunity to make the most out of his life, if in exchange he does everything he needs to do to get the counselling and drug-rehabilitation that he needs. You're not a counsellor or therapist and cannot offer him these things. What you could do, however, is give him the security he needs to be able to do these things. Do not, though, let him shirk his responsibilities. If he stops going to rehab, does not get clean and is not making noticeable gains or meeting expectations (for instance goals about getting work, finishing his education, etc), you need to let him go. Make this all very clear at the outset and hopefully he chooses to take the opportunity to save himself and his life.

Like I said though, this could all turn out very badly if this person is at all violent or if you believe he can and would take it out on your family if you have to resort to kicking him out on the street. It's really a decisions you'll have to make based on your experiences here. Nevertheless, I would approach it like a contract. He's an adult, but because his education is probably spotty, you should really clarify what you mean when you describe it to him. Your help and support is conditional. He's not entitled to it. He will only get it in exchange for him giving something back to you and that's his devotion to turning his life around by doing specific things that you outline (rehab, therapy, education, work...etc).

[guyser]

Strangely the kid does seem to like me and has come up at times when I'm having morning coffee, and sat with me and told me about his family, his mother, his drug addicted father and violent stepfather, his runaway brother who is 16. When we talk I try not to be too judgmental or preachy, just listen and try understand. But I don't know what to say. Maybe there's nothing I can say... I see a person who's been neglected all his life, never had much of anything that really matters, spends most of his time alone. But this kid is not bad, that's what really the sad thing is. Given a chance he would be just like anyone else. But his life so far has molded him into what he is, if he even lives a lot longer... suicide is not an uncommon thought for people like this.

His family seems wholly indifferent,

I can offer nothing but praise for the work you are doing.

The bold parts above are the reason why. You , in one morning of sitting and listening, have done far more than a months work of his own damn family.

I hope you have a chance to continue on with this child under your steady hand.

Good luck and all the best.

[Sir Bandelot]

While I'm sure what you are doing to try to help out this unfortunate individual is admirable, in my opinion you should really be concerned about your safety and that of your kids. Someone in his situation likely has many unsavory acquaintances: drug dealers, gang members, etc. A situation could easily materialize where your family is put in grave physical danger as a result of associating with this kid. Anyway, hopefully it'll all turn out for the best for you and perhaps you'll have some positive influence on this guy. Unfortunately, it probably takes a lot longer than a few weeks to have any shot of "fixing" someone whose life has been that messed up.

Thanks Bonam. My 'kids' are all about the same as him, my oldest son is almost 19 and the other two, twins, are both 17. I don't feel threatened by this kid, he's totally docile. Not hostile, he's more of a broken person. It's a small town here, about 100,000 people, hardly any violence beyond the weekly bar-fights downtown... most of which are actually sought after by the fighters. No gang violence here, but I don't doubt the place is run by the mob or hells angels, like practically everywhere else. But you never know what could happen, so you are correct that it's wise to be vigilant.

[Sir Bandelot]

You're a good man, SB, and it's little wonder he likes you. My guess is that he actually respects you.

There's little you can do personally in such a short time (and you've already done far more than most would do); but even the little bit of kindness and stability he's witnessed might have some sort of positive influence on him.

Respect is worth more than being liked. Thanks for your kind words.

[Sir Bandelot]

I'm no therapist or psychologist, but even though he's moved out....perhaps you and he can still maintain that line of communication open. However, it's important too to remember that this fellow is on drugs. They can be manipulative, because of their addiction....so proceed with caution.

You are right, it to be cautious would be prudent. But I'm not afraid. If something bad happens, it's a small town and I can always find him. I really don't think there will be a big problem. I have nothing worth stealing in my house either, that I would be upset about unless he makes off with one of my guitars... depends which one...

Hopefully as the friendship and respect deepens, you could talk him into assessing where he is right now and where he wants to go. You cannot talk someone into rehab...it has to come from their own will - the desire to tackle and beat their own demon.

You can only help inspire and and nurture that desire in him to beat drugs....and even if he falls off the wagon as most of them do, you'll be there to help him get on again....continuing with what you do now, without being judgemental.

That would be great if that could happen. I suspect that he has anti-social tendencies so I will not push him much or try to get him to assess himself critically at this point. I'm sure there's a lot of self-hate, which is common in many teens, even those with good homes. So the first step is acceptance.

Thanks betsy for your support!

[Sir Bandelot]

If you let him move out and live on his own, he'll probably just revert back to the lifestyle he has been living. What you could do, it depends on the how dangerous you feel this kid is to you and your family, is allow him to get his shit together, but in make him an offer. You will give him the comfort and security of a home and the opportunity to make the most out of his life, if in exchange he does everything he needs to do to get the counselling and drug-rehabilitation that he needs. You're not a counsellor or therapist and cannot offer him these things. What you could do, however, is give him the security he needs to be able to do these things.

Thanks cybercoma, I will think about it. It's a big decision. I'm not even sure if he would go for it, he might prefer to be 'unsupervised'. And there are some other issues with that idea as well. I would talk to everyone else in the house to see what they think.

[Sir Bandelot]

I can offer nothing but praise for the work you are doing.

The bold parts above are the reason why. You , in one morning of sitting and listening, have done far more than a months work of his own damn family.

I hope you have a chance to continue on with this child under your steady hand.

Good luck and all the best.

Just so everyone here understands, I wouldn't help someone for the praise, but because I'm compelled to do it somehow. But I do appreciate the advice I'm getting from all of you here. For now this feel like te right thing to do, and there's no reason to make any changes.

The bigger issue too is how many youth there are like him, not just here in Kingston (which seems to have a large number for its size) but everywhere. The small towns don't have as much resources to deal with it as bigger cities do, but I have always thought that this city has a lot of poor, many homes are on welfare and are run by substance abusers. Alcoholism is a big problem. There are very few good paying jobs here. You either work at the hospital, the university or one of the penitentiaries. If you can't get a job at one of those places, you're looking at minimum wage jobs, restaurants, taxi drivers, cashiers. There is no industry. I think that contributes to a lack of hope for the future in the youth. Once they settle into the welfare zone, that's it for them. They end up living in squallor that perpetuate itself.

For them welfare is a crutch. Youth need something to give them a positive self-image. That is what leads to confidence, hope and a vision for the future. Those are the most important thing you can offer, and we need better social programs to help do that.

Without those things, the legs are cut out from underneath them.

[Moonlight Graham]

SB, you are indeed a very kind man, and so is your family for taking him in. I'm not a psychologist or social worker/youth worker, however a couple of years ago i volunteered and was employed at a community youth centre for about a year that deals with disadvantaged young parents (mostly mothers), many that boys' age, and their young children. Many of the young parents there have been abused, been through CAS, foster/group homes, homeless and on drugs etc. Unfortunately a pattern too often seen with abused children. So i have some experience with this population and working alongside social workers and child/youth workers, but please remember i'm far from an expert.

We have a kid living in our house now, who has basically lived in foster homes and out on the street all is life. Well, by kid I mean, he's nearly nineteen years old. His mother, who was quite young when he was born hated him. She abused him (and apparently his younger brother and sister too) and he was eventually taken from her by childrens aid and raised in group homes, sometimes going to live with his grandparents. He now attends high school and wants to get his grade 12 diploma, so spends his days there. He gets some money from the government, some kind of welfare I think, to help him live on his own.

First, it's very positive to see him spending his days at high school and working towards his diploma. My mother always said that everyone need a reason to get up in the morning, and it's very true. He has a goal and a place to occupy himself and keep him from being too bored and doing even more drugs.

If i would give you one piece of advice it would be to try to keep some somewhat consistent contact with him. ie: If he decides to move out, i would suggest trying to see if he'd agree to have both of you meet up every 2 weeks or once a month and do something with him, whether a cup of coffee, play some ball hockey, go see an OHL hockey game or something. Just anything! He seems to like you and is very comfortable talking with you, which can be extremely hard for kids who have been abused by their parents, taken away from them by adults at CAS, passed around group home after group home and probably multiple foster homes. It can be very hard for these kids to trust adults and parental figures (and sometimes trusting ANYONE! is hard). They often have abandonment issues, because remember that virtually every adult figure throughout their lives (parents/group home workers/foster parents etc.) has likely at some point left their life and/or passed them along to be someone else's problem. So to show you care and making a habit out of catching up with the kid once in awhile would be a very good thing i think, like a bit of a mentor to him. Maybe the kid could be hard to find and doesn't want to meet up with you (fear of getting "too close" with people is also part of the abandonment issues), so if he moves out at the very least maybe tell him that you'll always be available he wants to chat or hang out.

My personal thought is that you just sitting and listening to him, and not knowing what to say seems perfectly fine. I felt the same when some of the young parents told me some stories, i had no idea what to say, i just tried to listen. Just having an outlet to share thoughts/feelings is very healthy and therapeutic.

Finally, I would recommend trying to get in contact with a social worker or youth worker/councilor to get some advice on your situation (try to find a community centre, hit the yellowpages, or maybe call a hospital or your family doctor to find one?). None of us here are professionals, so that would be my approach. If you can't find anyone, let me know and i'll try to forward your first post to a youth councilor i know and maybe they'll have some advice for you. Good luck!

[Sir Bandelot]

I would recommend trying to get in contact with a social worker or youth worker/councilor to get some advice on your situation (try to find a community centre, hit the yellowpages, or maybe call a hospital or your family doctor to find one?). None of us here are professionals, so that would be my approach. If you can't find anyone, let me know and i'll try to forward your first post to a youth councilor i know and maybe they'll have some advice for you. Good luck!

Thanks for the great advice, MG. Any help at all is appreciated!

[Shwa]

We have a kid living in our house now...

In a few weeks he'll be moving on, to his own apartment. If anyone knows anything about dealing with people like this, or if any of you are professionals, therapists, youth councilors, advice is appreciated.

You are a kind and caring person, but you are not unique. There are plenty of people like you, doing this sort of good work every single day in all places where people live. If there is one thing in common, in all these sorts of folks I have personally met, it was be consistent. That is all you can do.

Consistency - in the message you are giving out - proves to anyone that could care to take the time to take a good look - is that anyone is capable of change. Even dumb teenagers who have had it rough. I have seen it happen, this change, but they have to do the work. So long as you are consistent with the way you live, he will always have a chance to see that it is possible for him to live that way also. It isn't about money, it is about character.

[jbg]

Strangely the kid does seem to like me and has come up at times when I'm having morning coffee, and sat with me and told me about his family, his mother, his drug addicted father and violent stepfather, his runaway brother who is 16. When we talk I try not to be too judgmental or preachy, just listen and try understand. But I don't know what to say. Maybe there's nothing I can say...

I know he's into booze and drugs and smokes too much. What I'd like to do is help him get on the right track, but I don't know what to do. I've taken him out to play a bit of ball hockey with some of the other lads, try to get him to feel included.

What I advise, as I assume you've earned his trust, is to tell him what you think, openly. Don't worry about being "preachy". Trust me, people in his position would rather have a pattern set for them than be left to drift.

In a few weeks he'll be moving on, to his own apartment. If anyone knows anything about dealing with people like this, or if any of you are professionals, therapists, youth councilors, advice is appreciated.

I am a lawyer, not a therapist. But in the field I'm in, bankruptcy law, many people meet less extreme forms of that profile. And what I suggested is how I approach these matters.

[BC_chick]

I hate to be the pessimist here, but I think the people who actually break the cycle are few and far in between, and largely it's something in them that you can't teach that makes them break the mold - either they have it or they don't.

I knew so many people like this kid when I was growing up. Of those that didn't die before 20, a good example that comes to mind was a girlfriend of ours, who, like this kid, lived with another friend of ours who had two loving parents and a stable home. Unlike her mom who was an alcoholic who left her, she wasn't much of a drinker and she didn't do drugs.

She ended up having three kids with a pretty nice, simple guy and they had a nice home. She stayed at home with the kids and became a terrific cook. For a while it seemed like she was going to turn out different than her mother but all of a sudden her life spiraled out of control. When it did, she left her kids with their dad and went to another city. From what I heard from people she now spends her days partying and she doesn't see her kids. And ufortunately, this is not the only story I can think of where inevitably the kid turned out just like their parents even though it seemed like there was a glimmer of hope.

On the flip-side, I know a lot of kids from good families who go down a wrong path but somehow still keep their heads on better than their peers when they did. They had a way better chance of pulling themselves together as well.

I hate to say it, but the developing years do have a life-long effect on a person. Even if I just base my opinion on my personal experiences, that's been the way I've seen it so far.

[jbg]

I hate to be the pessimist here, but I think the people who actually break the cycle are few and far in between, and largely it's something in them that you can't teach that makes them break the mold - either they have it or they don't.

Unfortunately you're usually right. Alchoholism and drug abuse tend to be hereditary. That's why certain people in my family are very careful about alchohol use, since someone in the family died at age 59 by alchohol-induced kidney failure.

[Moonlight Graham]

Alchoholism and drug abuse tend to be hereditary.

Genetic, or learned behaviour? I'm sure it's both in different cases.

[jbg]

Genetic, or learned behaviour? I'm sure it's both in different cases.

He died when I was five or six and was clean by then so I didn't learn much from him. I'm careful nevertheless.

[Bob]

It's quite a story. I don't think anyone in here can give you advice that you can't come up with on your own, given the fact that you know this young man in ways we don't, and you understand the relationship that you have with him whereas all of us cannot. I'd like to say that this is an opportunity for you to do the right thing and have a meaningful impact on a person who appears to need a serious change of direction in his life for the sake of his future. Of course you seem to already be doing that by opening up your home to him and having sincere concerns about his troubles. My humble advice would be to be as honest as possible as you can be with him, share with him the knowledge your years have brought to you. There is no guarantee he will follow your advice, but hopefully you can find the right way to deliver this guidance in a way that will increase the likelihood of him listening to you and making changes. The best way to deliver the quality advice you can give him (which hopefully is focused on him pursuing education) is something only you can find out, which is dependent on the nature of your relationship with him and you ability to understand and leverage any trust and respect he holds for you.

As cheesy and cliche as it may sound, hopefully you can be at least a part of something that helps hi turn around in life. You said it yourself, he's not a rotten kid, just broken. If he's redeemable, it's quite a worthwhile endeavour to help him. I will repeat one thing, honesty is the best policy. Tell him the truth, but do so in the best way you can so that he is more likely to learn from you.

Good luck.

[Sir Bandelot]

The kid moved out of my house last week. He now has an apartment in our area. I don't know how his story will turn out, but hope that he at least learned something from our example, that there's a better life if he wants it, and that the world is not a totally cold place. During his time here he underwent a bit of a transformation. People who know him remarked that he looked much better. Likely the regular meals (he ate alot...) and sleep helped him quite a bit. His cat grew much healthier looking too.

At one point he asked to have his hair cut short, and ended up looking alot like me. I thought that was a positive sign.

I've asked him to maintain contact with us, but overall I'm not satisfied that this has accomplished much of any lasting value. It's too short a time compared to years of neglect.

Of course, I didn't expect that much would be achieved and in the end, I don't feel responsible or obligated towards him. His life has been a hard go, and each of us has our burdens to bear. If he can rise above the misfortune that befell him, it would be a truly heroic thing. But sadly, based on the comments of many here, I doubt it's likely.

[jbg]

Of course, I didn't expect that much would be achieved and in the end, I don't feel responsible or obligated towards him. His life has been a hard go, and each of us has our burdens to bear. If he can rise above the misfortune that befell him, it would be a truly heroic thing. But sadly, based on the comments of many here, I doubt it's likely.

The Jewish view is that you performed a very high level of Tzedakah (sp) or charity. The only higher form is if you did what you did anonymously, which is impossible.

You have taught or sought to teach someone how to make a go of it on their own. I cannot have higher words of praise.