Canadian politics from a Star Wars point of view

[lonewolf]

Well the New Year as begun and so has another election. This election had put damper on my festive cheer, for I wanted to be with my family and enjoy a Christmas turkey, not to watch turkeys on TV. However, I was quite busy watching the tube; for I got the entire Star Wars collection as a Christmas gift. As I watched episodes 1 to 6, I noticed that there was something familiar about the movies. It starts with political turmoil, corruption and with hidden agendas. I then realized that the series was like the Canadian political structure. So for a laugh I began to write my own version of Star Wars using the best actors I have ever seen, the Canadian politicians and their parties. So let’s start the tale, but before I begin I must remind the reader that this is purely a humorous satire tale of fact/fiction is by no means my way to tell the reader how to vote. For as you will learn, I’m quite tired of them all. Also to Mr. George Lucas, please accept my apology.

Not so long ago. In a reality far far away:

Loonie Wars

Episode I: The Gomery Menace

Utter turmoil had engulfed the Dominion of Canada as the ruling party the Liberals were in the mist of a Sponsorship Scandal going back to the Quebec Referendum of 1995. Barely winning, the federalist movement led by former Chancellor Chretien seemed to have had some of his closest friends involved in a scheme to stop separation and at the same time abuse the money of the people of the Dominion. As much as $147 million was given to Liberal friendly ad firms. The old Progressive Conservative Party joined a new party, (I don’t know the name of the party, they keep changing it) that was extremely strong in the farce and they formed the new Conservative Party of Canada. With pressure from the Dominion; the government called an inquiry to be lead by Justice Gomery. An election was called costing the people $277 million. Using the kickback scandal as its weapon, the opposition parties fired their farce powers against the new Chancellor of the Dominion Paul Martin. Misplacing his farce, Martin had to use his wits to maintain power. On Election Day, the Liberals won a minority government, but the new Conservatives (yeah that’s their name) remained in the shadows as the Gomery Inquiry continued.

Episode II: Attack of the Scandals

Less than 12 months after the election the Conservatives attempted to gain power in the Dominion by joining with the Separatists of Count Gilles Duceppe. Whose sole goal was to take the nation of Quebec and leave the Dominion, but keep all the perks. Chancellor Martin in a bold move called the clone army of the NDP to assist in defeating the new Conservative-Separatist alliance. Meanwhile Stephen Harper had lost his apprentice Belinda Stronach to the Liberal-side of the farce; leaving Peter McKay betrayed and returning home to meditate. But McKay took on his dog as his new padwan, because dogs were loyal. The vote of no confidence was upon parliament. The Conservatives originally supported the first budget, then rejected it, just to support it again, but fought against the new Liberal/NDP budget. Harper used the old Tory Mind Trick on the media and it worked. The vote arrived, but the last of the loyal knights of the Dominion Master Chuck Cadman stopped the movement. A few months later, a sad day came to the Dominion as the brave knight fell and became one with the force; leaving the farce with parliament. The Liberals survived again, but the Gomery Report will soon be revealed.

Episode III: Revenge of the Conservatives

Just before the Christmas season the Conservatives and the Separatists got a new ally, Jack Layton and the NDP. Now with the three main opposition parties together, the Conservative-side of the farce grew stronger as the fading Liberals tried one more last effort to keep power. They promised a late spring election after Justice Gomery finished with his report, but powerful in the farce the opposition parties were and they moved for a vote of no confidence using the Sponsorship Scandal as their weapon. The Liberals were quickly defeated and a second election in less than two years was among the Dominion once more. Again, the people had lost at least another $277 million for this struggle for power. Not including the Gomery Inquiry bill of at least $71 million. A long political battle had ruined the holiday season. Meanwhile people debated which farce was stronger as they enjoyed their beer and popcorn. Chancellor Martin, trying to avoid his party’s faux pas, does one last effort to remind the people of Harper’s past affiliation with the NCC and their stand on healthcare, his speech that praised American conservatives and slammed Canada for being a "European welfare state.” But Harper used the Tory Mind Trick again and all was forgotten. On election night, the Conservatives won a minority government and the Liberal Purge had begun. Chancellor Martin was exiled via Canada Steamship Lines to the Caribbean.

Episode IV: A New Hype

Shortly after winning the election, Chancellor Harper began to read the wish list of his friend the Dork Lord of the Sieve Ralph Klein. Before you can say, “grass roots” the Conservatives reopened the same sex debate. As stated 13 days before the election by the CTV, Dork Klein said, “Nothing is carved in stone. All it takes is a legislative session.” The Dork Lord also asked the new Chancellor to deal with “irksome” issues such as Kyoto. The environmentalist and sexual orientation minority groups prepared to rebel against the new government. With the fear of health care being next, many people began to wonder what was in store for the Dominion. Meanwhile the Separatists have grown stronger in the farce as the province talked about another referendum if the PQ would win the provincial election. The Liberals finally got rid of their beer and popcorn and picked a new leader. Many candidates applied for the position, but in the end it was a knight of the old Liberal Party that came back to take the leadership role. Extremely strong in the farce Brian Tobin was, for he fought as a General in the Turbot Wars and was known as Captain Canada to the Dominion. After long battle at the convention, Tobin was given the red rose of the Liberal Party and became its leader. But still he was not strong enough in the polls to beat the Conservatives.

Episode V: The Voters Spit Back

Almost a year in power and the Conservatives were beginning to make enemies in the Dominion. The Conservatives were only Tories by name as they reverted to the CRAP-side of the farce. Tobin’s return had diminished their power to use the farce quite considerably. While the Liberal leader attempted to gather support across the Dominion by traveling on the Millennium Turbot from east to west to hear the people’s concerns. The Conservatives prepared for their first budget and the people were slowly loosing faith in the CRAP-side of the farce, but still they spit in true Canadian fashion when they heard the word election.

Episode VI: Return of the Liberals

The Liberals began to fight the Conservatives on their first budget vote. Jack Layton trying to get his first front page photo op since the last election, joined with the Liberals to attempt to take down the Conservatives. The Separatists, knowing another federal election would hurt their Referendum movement in Quebec, support the CRAP-side of the farce. The vote was tied with one independent MP breaking the tie in favour of the opposition. Once again the Dominion shot out another $277 million for yet another election. The voters were feeling like a blindfolded person in a dark room looking for a black cat that wasn’t there. Yet in true Canadian fashion, only 60% of eligible voters arrived at the polls. The Conservatives attempted to remind voters of the Sponsorship Scandal, but this time it’s Tobin that used the old Grit Mind Trick and the scandal disappeared as fast as a Bloc Quebecois MP picking up his federal pension. When the polls closed the Liberals pull…another minority. For the voter still had no faith in the farce regardless who used it. So the more things had changed the more they stayed the same.

The moral of the tale: Spending almost a billion dollars to find out what happened to $147 million is not good business; it’s like spending $10 to find a Loonie. Also don’t be a couch voter, go and vote and do your country a favour –so we don’t end up like this tale.

[shoop]

uhhh right, ok then

[Hicksey]

uhhh right, ok then

I was thinking the same thing. Somebody's got a lot of spare time on their hands.

[lonewolf]

Hi all,

Hope no one is upset. I was just fed up with all of the political parties. I think that this one will bring forth another election. Just trying to add laugh in a smile situation for us all. Sorry to get you all mad

[shoop]

Hey,

I don't think anyone is upset necessarily. Just taken aback by how different your post was from most things we see here. Your post was definitely *unique*.

For a number of reasons I think that the next election probably won't come for a long time. I do believe the momentum will keep moving the Conservative's way to give them a majority in these final days.

Even if they don't get that many seats things like: Liberal leadership intrigues, the public outrage the would follow a third election in short order and Harper's desire to actually make a new parliament work, will lead to an election no earlier than fall of 2008.

Hi all,

Hope no one is upset. I was just fed up with all of the political parties. I think that this one will bring forth another election. Just trying to add laugh in a smile situation for us all. Sorry to get you all mad

[kimmy]

A slightly different take on things than my own Star Wars inspired rant, but ok.

I strongly disagree with the claim that we're spending close to $1 billion to find out what happened to $147 million; particularly because you arrived at that figure by including the cost of three (3) $277 million elections. We're not having 3 elections to find the sponsorship money; we didn't even have 1 election to find the sponsorship money.

Paul Martin called the 2004 election, he said, because he wanted a mandate from the Canadian people. That is certainly his right to do so; it was a little early, but not unduely so, and after all he had not been elected Prime Minister by Canadians. He wanted to go to the people and earn that title. He did, after a fashion.

The present election might be considered a referendum on the Gomery findings, though as we have seen it goes far beyond that. This minority government lasted about a year and a half, and by minority government standards, that's not bad. The previous minority government, you'll recall, lasted only 9 months before Darth Trudus struck down Clueless Joe Kenobi. All things considered, I think the opposition was actually quite patient with Chancellor Martin. There is also an inherent logic to having an election at this point in time: elect less than half a government, and it seems only fair to get less than half a term out of them.

The next election, if current trends hold, will not be about sponsorship money either. It will be a referendum on Stephen Harper's performance. Hopefully that election will be a few years away. The Liberals had best hope so, at least... they'll need a long time to rebuild their party and replenish their bank account.

The cost of elections is something that we, as citizens of a democracy, consider to be a cost of our ideals.

-k

[Chimera]

Even if they don't get that many seats things like: Liberal leadership intrigues, the public outrage the would follow a third election in short order and Harper's desire to actually make a new parliament work, will lead to an election no earlier than fall of 2008.

Methinks you should rephrase that to "Harper's desire to actually make a conservative parliament work". If the liberals were to somehow pull off a win, Harper would behave the same as last term (if he wasn't booted out).

[sage]

I'm with Chimera on this one. As much as I like Harper, lets be clear, politics is politics.

Harper for as much as he may privately loathe Ottawa shenanigans, has certainly learned how to use them. What's the saying "When in Rome..."

I do not believe for a second that anyone tried to make the last parliament work for the good of the country. Martin only wanted to hold onto power, and perhaps outlast a bit of the Gomery outrage. Layton only wanted to influence the agenda with NDP issues (which is commendable) but in the end brought down the government because he thought he may be able to pick up a few seats.

Harper was incessantly trying to bring down the government, and there was never any attempt to make things work.

Duceppe, well nobody could ever accuse the Bloc of trying to make parliament work.