Federal Political Humour

[Canuck E Stan]

A seedy-looking man was sitting in the first row at a political party meeting, heckling the MP as he delivered a lengthy speech.

Finally the MP pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the province?"

"Well, Sir," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

[Canuck E Stan]

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent the night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking . . . "

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But, Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as a university professor, and university professors don't make any money. So if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with CBC on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational CBC video; last week it was "Wayne and Schuster." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I registered with the Liberal Party of Canada.l

[Canuck E Stan]

Well Folks, this is my 100th "joke" post, I guess it's an anniverary of sorts. Hope they all given you a chuckle or two.

Types of Governments

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government

takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's

cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The

government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government

takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's

cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to

take care of the chickens the government took from the

chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and

as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires

you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take

care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,

but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

ASIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government

fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an

apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors

pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

CANADIAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if

you vote for it. After the election, the prime minister is

caught speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the

affair "Cowscam".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.

You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government

doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and

when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.

After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and

pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill

out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or

your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

BAY STREET CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of

them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of

credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then

execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer

so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for

keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are

transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman

Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder,

who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the

listed company. The annual report says that the company

owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you

kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you

from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows.

They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM:You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they

ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude,there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of

this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The

government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the

constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas

about government. The cow runs for office, and while most

people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody

except the other cow votes for her because they think it

would be "throwing their vote away."

[Canuck E Stan]

An Quebec advertising agency sent one of his Advertising/ Marketing people to Rome to try and get the Pope to record "Give us our daily support to the Liberal party."

The P.R. man came back empty handed. He had offered the Pope $1,000,000 dollars and had been turned down.

His boss commented, "Turned down a million bucks! I wonder how much the bakeries are paying him?"

[Canuck E Stan]

Paul hasn't called George for a long time so he calls to ask how things are going.

George says to Paul,

-Paul, you know, I have a big problem I don't know what to do about. I have a hundred bodyguards and I think one of them is a traitor.

I don't know which one.

Paul says to George,

-Not a big deal George,

I'm stuck with a hundred advisors I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one.

[Canuck E Stan]

A Finance minister walks into the government accounting office.

Here the next budget is being reviewed before it's release, he discusses how the total of the monies should be allocated. His deputy minister askes him : "Should I divide all of the monies into six catagories or eight catagories?"

The Finance minister replies: "I'm feeling this should be a large budget. You'd better divide into eight."

[Canuck E Stan]

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the Revenue Canada auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great priviledge to be allowed to live and work in Canada. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!"

[Canuck E Stan]

With all the firing of personnel in the Federal parties lately, Paul Martin decided to make a surprise visit to his office without anyone knowing to check up on his staff. Walking though the offices, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said Paul angrily.

"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, he counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!"

Turning to one of the office managers, Paul said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"

"He doesn't work here," said the manager. "It was lunch time and he was just here to deliver a pizza!"

[mirror]

Florida, and other Southern state voters were treated to the aspect of having their polling stations opened early for the November, 2004 election. This gave black voters the option of being turned down earlier than previous elections.

[Canuck E Stan]

A politician returns to visit his old school.

He's interested in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some.

To his surprise they are exactly the same ones to which he had answered 10 years ago!

When he asks about this the professor answers:

"As in politics the questions are always the same - only the answers change!"

[Canuck E Stan]

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Revenue Canada and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

[Canuck E Stan]

Needing the government to help you is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

[Canuck E Stan]

A man walked into the new Parliament Building ladies department, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Liberal type, the, NDP type, and the Conservative type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Liberal type supports the masses, the NDP type lifts up the fallen, and the Conservative type makes mountains out of mole hills."

[theloniusfleabag]

This isn't a joke per se, just something that got me thinking...

If the Lewinsky-Clinton scandal had occured elswhere in the USA, it may have broken 'sodomy laws' that are still on the books in some states (sodomy being considered both oral and anal sex)...would someone clandestinely investigating such a breach of the law be conducting 'skullbuggery'? Would the headlines have read "Monica Lewinsky f#*ked in the head"?

[Canuck E Stan]

A husband and wife attend a small political gathering at the rural chuch hall one Saturday night. The man was very moved by the politician's speech, so he stopped to shake the politician's hand. That was the best damn speech I ever did hear!"

The Politician replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in this church hall."

"I'm sorry , but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good speech!"

The Politician replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in front of all these people!"

"Okay , but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I placed $5,000 in your campaign box."

The Politician's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Sh*t!"

[Canuck E Stan]

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

Old man: "All I need to know about Canadian politics is that Paul Martin is a post turtle."

Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?"

Old man: "When you are driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top?

That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help

take the poor thing down."

[Canuck E Stan]

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

Government workers have in their offices, work stations.....

[Canuck E Stan]

Q: Who was the first liberal?

A: Christopher Columbus.

He left not knowing where he was going,

once he got there not knowing where he was,

left there not knowing where he’d been,

and did it all on borrowed money.

[Canuck E Stan]

A politician was campaigning in a rural area.

Outside a ramshackle house, he saw a young man milking a cow.

He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.

Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house.

And who is that guy you're talking to?"

"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.

"In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."

[Canuck E Stan]

Liberal government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:

If it moves, tax it.

If it keeps moving, regulate it.

And if it stops moving, subsidise it.

[Canuck E Stan]

The manager of a large government department noticed a new man one day and tells him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.

It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

The taxpayers of this country are tired of the way this government is being run.They want accountability,they want transparency,they want serious work done here.

From now on I will refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mr.Argus. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

[Canuck E Stan]

A guy named Bob is travelling by Via Rail with two strangers sitting close to him.

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing Paul Martin, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the CSIS that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.

This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about Martin and the government.

Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.

He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:

"If the CSIS guy can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."

The guys continue talking.

Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.

The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...

When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.

Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).

The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.

Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.

The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the CSIS liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills...

[Canuck E Stan]

An elderly woman stopped at Paul Martin's office and said,

" I demand to have intercourse with the Prime Minister."

"You mean an interview, don't you?" the P.M.'s aide sheepishly asked.

"No, I mean," the woman retorted. "I want to see for myself the nuts that are running this country."

[Canuck E Stan]

Two pink elephants ,five green snakes and a yellow rihinoceros walk into a Pot.tv studio.

"You're early ," said the manager. "Jack Layton isn't here yet."

[Canuck E Stan]

Martin goes to the barber, who asks him when he's planning the next election. The P.M. launches into a long winded speech about national unity and economic prosperity going hand in hand.

A few minutes later the barber asks him again. This time the P.M. expounds on the virtues of social responsibility and the need to reduce the deficit.

The barber asks him a third time, at then angry Martin says, " so tell me, are you a Conservative? Is that why you're so interested in the election?"

"Actually, I don't care about it at all," the barber replies. "It's just that every time I mention it,the hair on the back of your neck stands on end."