ClearWest Posted April 12, 2006 Report Posted April 12, 2006 I stumbled upon this funny political quiz! A question is asked, and a rep from each major political idealogy (conservtive/liberal/communist/libertarian) each answer the question in a humorous way. I'll post some of the better ones: -------------------------- How would you define the word "profit"? CONS: What business owners earn by selling a quality product at a competitive price. LIBL: What business owners RIP-OFF from their customers. LBRT: What business owners are rewarded with for risking the loss of their own money. COMM: What business owners RIP-OFF from their employees. ------------- What's the best way to stop people from illegally crossing our borders? CONS: Seal the borders so no one can get in. LIBL: Do nothing to beef up security at the borders, and offer illegal aliens a wide array of free services. LBRT: Allow unrestricted passage across the borders. COMM: Seal the borders so no one can get out. ------------------- What are your thoughts on castrating (either through chemical or traditional means) repeat sex offenders? CONS: It's about time we gave those perverts a punishment that fits the crime. LIBL: That kind of sentence is certainly prohibited by that pesky little clause in the Constitution banning cruel and unusual punishment. LBRT: Excuse me, but what if the guy is innocent? Is the procedure reversible if years latter the person who really committed the crime confesses? COMM: Megadittos to the conservative response. ---------------------- Global warming... CONS: doesn't exist. And even if it does, its harmful effects are easily remedied by cranking up the air conditioning to full blast. LIBL: is already upon us. The sky is warming! The sky is warming!! We must tell Sixty Minutes!!! LBRT: is the Ecological Calamity of the Month. COMM: could have one silver lining, if efforts to combat global warming adversely impact The West's industrialized economies. ------------------------------ What is the meanest most low-down thing a person can do during a kid's soccer game? CONS: Cheat. LIBL: Keep score. LBRT: Play the game in a municipal park. COMM: Hog all the glory by not being a team player. ----------------------- What should be the highest law in the land? CONS: God's Law LIBL: The U.S. Constitution LBRT: The LITERAL intepretation of the U.S. Constitution’s Bill of Rights COMM: The Party Chairman's ----------------------- What would you consider a valid reason for releasing a convict from prison before he has served his entire sentence? CONS: - He is dead. LIBL: - He is dying. - His sentence was cut in half for not committing any other notably heinous crimes while serving his current sentence. - He has found God. - A famous celebrity thinks the convict is rehabilitated. LBRT: - He is innocent. COMM: - He has found Lenin. ------------------ The best things in life... CONS: have a substantial membership fee. LIBL: need price controls. LBRT: are subject to the whims of supply and demand. COMM: have a substantial waiting list. ------------------------ How would you define acts of true compassion? CONS: Tough love. LIBL: Rewarding irresponsible behavior. LBRT: Letting people learn from their own mistakes. COMM: Forcing thoughtless children to share their candy with the entire class. ------------------------- What are your favorite slogans? CONS: - In God we trust. LIBL: - Don't put profits ahead of people. - Put critters ahead of people. LBRT: - Do not tread on me. COMM: - Workers of the World, unite. - Embrace groupthink. - Misery loves company. ---------------------------------- What are the responsibilities of all good citizens? CONS: - Pay some taxes, begrudgingly. - Obey the letter of the law. - Military service (as long as they are not gay or lesbian). LIBL: - Pay lots of taxes for the betterment of all mankind--without whinny. - Military service (as long as they don't tell anyone they are gay or lesbian). - Vote. LBRT: - Fight foreign invaders on American soil. COMM: - Unquestioned obedience. ------------------------- What is the opiate of the masses? CONS: Television LIBL: Valium LBRT: Federal funding COMM: Religion --------------------------- What's the best way to get people to give money to charity? CONS: Give contributors a tax deduction LIBL: Embarrass all the stingy rich people who don't contribute by publishing their names in the press. LBRT: Let donating money be its own reward. COMM: Countries under communist rule have no poor people. Therefore, the most charitable thing anyone can do is to join the Communist Party. ---------------------- How do you feel about the death penalty? CONS: Three big benefits. First, rids the world of one less scumbag. Second, deters other scumbags from committing heinous crimes. Third, provides emotional comfort and solace to victim's families, knowing their loved one's death has been avenged. LIBL: If killing is wrong, then The State should not be allowed to get away with murder. LBRT: I just don't have enough faith in any government to give it the power to kill people. COMM: Public executions are an extremely effective deterrent to crime, however midnight disappearances work equally as well. ------------------------ Do you think infamous criminals should be allowed to profit from their crimes by writing books about their dastardly deeds? CONS: No. People who gain notoriety by committing horrendous crimes do not deserve to profit economically from their actions. LIBL: Yes. Writing one's autobiography is a tremendous catharsis and is usually the first step an offender makes in turning his life around. LBRT: Yes. Freedom of speech means freedom of speech. COMM: No. No one should be allowed to profit from anything. --------------------------- What's your interpretation of these words from the second amendment of the U.S. Constitution, "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed"? CONS: The second amendment was established at a time when the average citizen owned a firearm comparable to the weapon used by the average soldier. These weapons were virtually identical in terms of technological advancement, and firepower. Therefore, citizens today have the right to own the same rifles that are currently issued to U.S. Army infantrymen. This means all those gun control laws banning fully automatic assault rifles with fixed bayonets are totally unconstitutional!!! LIBL: The second amendment means that the only arms citizens have a right to own are the actual flintlocks and muzzle loading muskets used by soldiers during the Revolutionary War, but only if those guns are retrofitted with trigger locks, and other modern safety devices. LBRT: Consider the circumstances under which the second amendment was written. America had just fought a war for its freedom, and its people had a deeply rooted visceral distrust of despots. Clearly, "the security of a free State" that the people's right to bear arms is necessary to insure, means that if, perish the thought, America ever became an un-free state, the citizens would have within their means, the capacity to carrying out a successful rebellion. The second amendment is an insurance policy, and another shining example of one of those checks and balances that were so popular with the framers of the Constitution. Therefore, the second amendment means that citizens have the right to personally own even the most sophisticated military hardware. Because until the firepower possessed by all the citizens as a whole, equals or exceeds the firepower possessed by all branches of the U.S. Military, our freedoms will forever remain under a cloud of jeopardy. COMM: The second amendment means citizens have a right to bear arms while serving in the military. --------------------------- The primary purpose of carpool lanes is to... CONS: punish the evil, Earth unfriendly commuters. LIBL: reward the good, self-sacrificing, resource conserving commuters. LBRT: demonstrate the illogic of The State. The worst thing any agency responsible for building a road system could possibly do, is to deliberately design roads that impede the flow of traffic. While some might think carpool lanes protect the environment by enticing people to use fewer natural resources, carpool lanes are actually an unmitigated ecological disaster. By forcing non-carpooling commuters to spend more time inching their way through gridlocked traffic, the environmental impacts of all those commuters are magnified. More smog is produced. More offshore oil is imported. Cars wear out sooner. And, there is a dramatic rise in stress related road rage. COMM: make people in carpool lanes feel like they are special, which sadly runs counter to government's mandate to treat all citizens equally. -------------------------- What's your opinion concerning estate taxes? CONS: Estate taxes are imposed to punish the wealthy. LIBL: Estate taxes are necessary to level the playing field, by preventing rich families from accumulating too much undeserved wealth over the course of several generations. And thank God, we know no longer live in the Dark Ages, when the firstborn son inherited everything! LBRT: Estate taxes are an unseemly revenue source--money collected on the backs of widows and orphans! COMM: The State can certainly put large sums of money to much better public use than some Fat Cat's heirs. In fact, abolishing the right of inheritance is one of the major goals discussed in the Communist Manifesto. But until that glorious day arrives, estate taxes will just have to fill the void. -------------------------- The best place to educate children is... CONS: in private schools, that stress the Four R's (Reading, Writing, Arithmetic, and Religion), with classes taught by fundamentalist members of the clergy. LIBL: in public schools with classes taught by credentialed, unionized teachers that stress self-esteem, and that what matters most is not the ability to correctly answer questions on standardized tests, as long as students can at least make an "educated" guess. LBRT: in home schools, that stress self-reliance, taught by parents or private tutors. COMM: in public schools, that stress self-sacrifice, taught by members of the Communist Party. ------------------------------- What is the best method to combat unplanned pregnancies? CONS: Require any unmarried woman who gets pregnant to marry the baby's father before their child is born. LIBL: Protect all schoolgirls by immunizing them with contraceptives, such as Depo-Provera. LBRT: Encourage parents to maintain good lines of communication with their children, so when that special day finally arrives, their son or daughter won't be ashamed to ask if his or her new love interest can spend the night. After all, young love is a far more warm and positive experience, if kids don't have to go sneaking around behind their parent's backs. This would mean less anxiety for parents too, because they can closely monitor the young couple, to insure they practice Safe and Sane Sex. COMM: Keep students so busy and malnourished, they are much too weak and physically exhausted to even think about sex. ---------------------------------- Should parents spy on their children? CONS: Yes. Sometimes a parent's got to do what a parent's got to do. LIBL: No. Parents shouldn't violate their children's privacy unless there is strong evidence of severe misbehavior--such as having to bail them out of jail at 3:00 A.M. for curfew violations and armed robbery. LBRT: No. I trust them. COMM: Yes, and vise-versa. -------------------------------------- Should students be allowed to bring weapons to school? CONS: Ordinarily, no, except perhaps on special occasions, such as the opening day of hunting season, "Show and Tell" type class projects, or when taking courses to get a concealed weapons permit. LIBL: No. Students should not even be permitted to play with imaginary toy weapons, let alone bring a real weapon to school. LBRT: Absolutely. Many of today's schoolyards are battle zones of gang warfare. A student packing heat to insure his personal safety is surely a constitutionally protected form of bearing arms. COMM: No. The only people normally on school premises who should be permitted to carry weapons are members of the secret police. --------------------------------------- Your 13 year-old daughter says she is pregnant. You... CONS: tell her she must carry the baby to term, and then give it up for adoption. LIBL: have her go see a doctor at your local women's health/abortion clinic. LBRT: tell her she has to solve her own problems. Then invite the baby's father over to the house for dinner, and tell them that if they truly love each other, maybe it's time they seriously considered marriage. COMM: ask the government to support the child from cradle to grave. -------------------------------- I commute to work... CONS: alone in my enormous monster 4x4 pickup truck that measures its gas consumption in barrels per mile. LIBL: in a very, very, very tiny electric car that would probably lose if it ever crashed into anything larger than a small sized dog. LBRT: on my own two feet. COMM: using transit for the masses. --------------------------- Describe your ideal prison. CONS: A cold dark castle dungeon, with naked prisoners hanging by their ankles. No heat. No electricity. And especially--no conjugal visits!!! LIBL: Win over the prisoners' hearts and minds by showering the inmates with gracious living. LBRT: There is neither a legal nor a "moral" justification for putting anyone in prison. COMM: A prison's physical structure is irrelevant; prison is a state of mind. ----------------------------- If you were to seek high office, what in your own personal background would qualify you to hold such a lofty position? CONS: Years of selfishly running a large multinational corporation LIBL: Years of selflessly working as an activist for community causes LBRT: Years of selflessly avoiding government services and entanglements COMM: Years of stealthily running a communist front organization, wherein you manipulated innocent dupes into writing letters to their congressmen urging them to pass pro-communist legislation. ------------------------- Freedom of religion means... CONS: freedom for everyone--including The State--to practice religion, and the freedom for me to lobby my congressman to pass laws that force everyone else in the country to follow the rules of my religion. Of course, legislators do not accomplish this goal by blatantly passing a law that says everyone must obey the Ten Commandments. Instead, each commandment is quietly enacted as ten separate pieces of legislation. LIBL: freedom for everyone to censor the government from speaking about God, or even indirectly acknowledging His existence. LBRT: freedom from government establishing an official State Religion that everyone must follow. COMM: freedom from religion. --------------------------------- How should every school day begin? CONS: Prayer, and the Pledge of Allegiance. LIBL: A free hot brunch. LBRT: Roll call, and explaining why you don't have your homework. COMM: Asking each student to please explain to the class where his loyalties lie. --------------------------- And I'll have to post more later, let me know your thoughts! Quote A system that robs Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul's support.
ClearWest Posted October 14, 2006 Author Report Posted October 14, 2006 Bump. I just re-read these recently and remembered what a disappointing response they got from the message board. So, I was hoping more of you would check them out and see what you think. Enjoy, they're quite funny. Quote A system that robs Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul's support.
Charles Anthony Posted October 14, 2006 Report Posted October 14, 2006 The last one strikes me as odd: How should every school day begin? LBRT: Roll call, and explaining why you don't have your homework. I would expect a true libertarian to not show up to school as opposed to treating it as an obligation or a duty. Quote We do not have time for a meeting of the flat earth society. << OĂą sont mes amis ? Ils sont ici, ils sont ici... >>
ClearWest Posted October 14, 2006 Author Report Posted October 14, 2006 The last one strikes me as odd: How should every school day begin? LBRT: Roll call, and explaining why you don't have your homework. I would expect a true libertarian to not show up to school as opposed to treating it as an obligation or a duty. It's worded to be humorous, and not necessarily to follow a strict libertarian creed. Also, many libertarians value their education more than their discontent for public services. (The school isn't necessarily public either). Quote A system that robs Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul's support.
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