More On Lawyers

[PocketRocket]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb???

(Choose from the following)

"How many can you afford?"

It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.

Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting

by standing up and shouting "Objection!"

Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the

ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

(And POLYNEWBIE'S personal favorite)

None, lawyers only screw us.

[crazymf]

Why didn't the shark eat the lawyer when he fell overboard?

Professional courtesy.

############

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little

girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the

car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people

in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

^^^^^^^^^^

A man goes into a gift store and finds a ceramic rat that he likes.

He asks the clerk how much it is and the clerk replies, "$50 for the

rat and $1000 for the story that goes with it." The man says, "Forget

the story, here's fifty dollars for the rat." The clerk wraps it up

and says that he's sure the man will be back soon for the story that

goes with it. The man is walking home and soon realizes that he's

being followed by some real rats. He walks a little faster, looks

back and sees about a hundred rats. He starts running and now there's

a thousand rats chasing him. He runs to the nearest bridge and

throws the ceramic rat into the river. The rats jump in after it

and drown. The man goes back to the shop and the clerk says, "Ah,

I see you're back for the story." The man says, "Forget the story,

I want to know if you have a ceramic lawyer I can buy!"

********

ALBERTA ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Alberta hunting license may

harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use

of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally

struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car

wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow

machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free

Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW

dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,

prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of

courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,

ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a

felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a provincial health department

inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a

reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie,

or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2

2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1

3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4

4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3

5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2

6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT

7. Cut-throat 2

8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2

9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2

10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY

11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7

[PolyNewbie]

FTA,

You are the first lawyer to give a crap about my situation. For that you are noble and distinguished among your profession. But it doesn't stop me from arguing my point.

[Slavik44]

I'm making a point about this profession. My problem has been ironed out although the law profession doesn't mind lawyers acting this way.

The Supreme Court of this country seems to fully endorse it.

The Supreme Court needed permission from the Libs on taking siblings rights away and this was just out of convenience.

I have long since given up on finding a lawyer. Even Ruby can't take on McCarthy Tetrault.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't think you are capable of making that point based on your situation alone. The fact remains that you have given up with out trying all possible avenues. Who is to say wether or not you would succeed if your pursued this further. However since you have not pursued this to its fullest extent, you can't base very much on your expirence. If one day in the future I found that my brand new porsche wouldn't start but I refused to put gasoline in the car, I could not make the arguement that every porsche is a piece of crap. Especially not based solely on that expirence.

and to keep the jokes going for FTA,

Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

A. The bucket

[PolyNewbie]

My point was never to get a lawyer to sue her. I need 80,000.00 up front before I can sue her and the court case would take 10 years before she ever saw the inside of a court room.

I was told this by two independent lawyers- same figure - same time frame.

THE SUPREME COURT HAS TAKEN AWAY THE RIGHTS OF SIBLINGS TO EVEN REPORT INCIDENCES LIKE THIS TO THE LAW SOCIETY !!!!!

THIS IS HAPPENING ALL OVER THE PLACE IN ONTARIO. I have met others that this has happened to. My point is that these people are so arrogant that they took our rights away - as a matter of convience because of the bubble of population & the baby boomers getting large amounts of moneys from parents dying. Its just that the law society feels that its too much trouble for them to deal with.

Crimes were committed. My only possibility of getting anything is to sue. This is not right. Do you think I am going to try and sue a lawyer from McCarthy Tetrault ?

McCarthy Tertault is not a typical law firm. They will do every single imaginable dirty trick to keep you from even getting a case into a court room. Personal injury suits in Ontario can take 10 - 20 years .

McCarthy Tetrault has actually filled semi detached trucks full of irrelevant paperwork and dropped it of at the complainants lawyer to literally make the complainant go broke before they even get their day in court. They block these cases with junk court orders. This is all common knowledge in Ontario.

I've talked with lawyers there - they know they are crooks. To work for McCarthy Tetrault you have to set your conscience aside and know you are doing wrong and not care. These people are hated by the other lawyers in Toronto.

I am 41 years old. I would be ready to retire before I got the settlement from her. Its not about suing her its about exposing the terrible corruption that goes on here.

To even get paper from the law society saying that I made this complaint I just had to keep bugging them. I went to the police to obtain a police report and they said go to the law society. The law society tells me the supreme court says they are not permitted to do anything. The law society of upper canada does not report suspected criminal activitoes of lawyers - its their POLICY. The police refer you to the law society if you want to report a crime against you committed by a lawyer.

FTA, if you have any buddies in Ontario ask them about McCarthy Tetrault. Many lawyers here know what they are like and they are widely hated by other lawyers. I have talked to their lawyers socially and they not only admit it but are quite proud of what they get away with.

When I talked to other lawyers and they found out she worked for McCarthy Tetrault the tone of the conversatiuon changed - they are afraid of MCCarthy Terault.

There are two kinds of lawyers in Ontario - those that work for the big firms and those that are more honest like FTA.

[crazymf]

...and fta is honest because he 'told you so'?

whew!!!

[PolyNewbie]

Also,

When I reported this to the law society they told me I was just jealous. This is the level of arrogance - you report a lawyer in your family it must be the result of jealousy.

Well, I never took a philosophy course and I never wrote the LSAT. I have never had aspirations of being a lawyer although I do find the whole aspect of courts quite interesting.

You see I could sue but experiencing the abuses associated with that would make me a lot angrier than I am now.

[FTA Lawyer]

...and fta is honest because he 'told you so'?

whew!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Trust me...it's true!

FTA

[PolyNewbie]

Obviously FTA is a human being first lawyer second. You can see this from his posts.

[Argus]

Obviously FTA is a human being first lawyer second. You can see this from his posts.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Is that allowed?!

[crazymf]

Obviously FTA is a human being first lawyer second. You can see this from his posts.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Not only is FTA a lawyer, but he's a Calgarian.

Is there a two strike law in Alberta???

Sorry, I couldn't resist. Ok, enough lawyer jokes:

Do you know how to get to Calgary from Edmonton?

You head south until you smell it, and west until you step in it.HAHAHAHA!!!!!

I crack myself up!!

Seriously. Merry xmas, yes, that's CHRISTMAS, not happy holidays.

[crazymf]

Obviously FTA is a human being first lawyer second. You can see this from his posts.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Is that allowed?!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dry. I love it.

[crazymf]

A coroner was being cross examined by defense counsel. The attorney

asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the

man’s pulse?"

"No," the coroner replied.

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

The coroner again replied, "No."

"Did you check for breathing?," asked the attorney.

Again the coroner replied, "No."

The attorney then asked, "So, when you signed the death certificate,

you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, who by now had tired of the browbeating replied, "Well,

let me put to you this way. The man’s brain was on my desk sitting

in a jar, but for all I know, he could be out there practicing law

somewhere."

***********************************************

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman

sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll

screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place,

it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says........."No shit, what law

firm do you work for?"

************************************************

A man calls a lawyer and asks: "How much would you

charge me to answer three questions?"

Lawyer: "Four hundred dollars."

Man: "That's a lot of money isn't it?"

Lawyer: "I guess so. What's your third question?"

***********************************************

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue.

And his son?

Bill.

*********************************************

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 200,000,000 becomes a human being.

[PocketRocket]

So why don't you call Goldhawk???

It may seem silly, but it looks like you don't have many options left open to you.

[PolyNewbie]

The matter has been resolved outside the legal profession. Whether she screws me in the end is another matter - history tells me that she will. We come from a very strange family and have been enemies since we were little kids.

The fact that lawyers can go around screwing their siblings out of their parents will is something Goldhawk can never do anything about.

I am angry about the supreme court and the fact that the Law Society ignores crimes committed by lawyers. This is the Supreme Court of Canada 800 years after the Magna Carta.

Add this to the fact that a bunch of high school students were paraded into a court room for the same kind of bullying a few weeks back on the news.

Lawyer jokes in a way let lawyers get away with murder - people just thing "Ahh Lawyers we all know they suck". The fact is it isn't the lawyers its the profession and its the hubris of the supreme court in this case. They just wanted the law society to do the easy thing and not the right thing because it would save members ten or twenty bucks a year on their memebership. Non lawyers are just specks to them.