Canuck E Stan Posted May 27, 2005 Report Share Posted May 27, 2005 Okay folks we hear them all the time, how about sharing them with our fellow Canadians. Give us your best political joke. Here's mine: I was travelling between Wawa and Winnipeg the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I sure do," I replied. "You a Liberal or NDP?," asked the old man. "NDP," I replied. "Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off. Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "NDP." The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few NDP on the road that day. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or NDP. "Liberal" I shouted. "Hop in!" replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked. "I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Liberal for five minutes and already, I want to screw somebody". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RightWinger Posted May 27, 2005 Report Share Posted May 27, 2005 Ok, Did you hear that when Pope John Paul was dying he called for Paul Martin & Jean Cretien to come be with him as he died? Apparently, he felt so Christ like he wanted to die between 2 thieves! A joke similar to this was in the Edmonton sun I think, my neighbor told it to me last night! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PatM Posted May 27, 2005 Report Share Posted May 27, 2005 I like Canuks! That was funny 8) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted May 27, 2005 Report Share Posted May 27, 2005 cartoon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted May 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2005 A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians. A few hours later, the local RCMP officer was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled officer. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PocketRocket Posted May 28, 2005 Report Share Posted May 28, 2005 How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb??? Well, that sort of depends on the party.... BLOC: We want our OWN light bulb with an independant power supply, but we can still use the Canadian dollar to pay for the power. LIBERAL: Well, if we hire some advertising companies and give them lots of money, then we can convince people that the old bulb's not really blown. CONSERVATIVE: That old light bulb was a whore and a dipstick. NDP: If you give us more money for social spending, we'll vote to keep the old bulb in place. GREEN: Can we get an energy-efficient lightbulb??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 3, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 3, 2005 A politician wanted to cross the floor to join with the opposing party. After meeting with go- betweens, a meeting was finally made with the opposing party leader. "What would you say if you were to come and join our party, I would then make you the next Prime Minister." the leader said. "Wow",said the politician, "of course" Then the leader said "what if I said, if you were to come and join our party I will make you a lowly backbencher?" "What do you think I am?" said the politician angerly. "Well, we've already established what you are" said the leader, "we're just negotiating what the cost will be." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Blue Machine Posted June 6, 2005 Report Share Posted June 6, 2005 Hi-O, gonna put these jokes on the Johnny Carson Show! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 8, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2005 Did you hear that McDonald's Canada management has announced a commemorative double Lindberger cheeseburger, the McMartin Of course, when you get it, it smells bad,the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it's got half the meat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 8, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2005 The difference between Conservatives & New Democrats A Conservative and a New Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Conservative gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The New Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Conservatives pocket and gave him fifty dollars. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2005 The organization of any government bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigdude Posted June 9, 2005 Report Share Posted June 9, 2005 - from Inkless Wells (Paul) The Conservatives' new slogan: "Minimally Doctored Tapes From a Guy Who Probably Wasn't a Genuine Security Threat." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2005 Jack Layton finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and out comes a genie. The genie gives Jack one wish. Jack pulls out a map with many ND marks on it and says "I'd like New Democrat support in these Quebec areas." The genie says "You are asking too much of me. Even I can't bring support for the New Democrats to all these Quebec areas." Jack says "Ok. Well, just make me Prime Minister of Canada." And the genie says "Let me see that map again." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2005 Two Liberal MPs were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, "You're lying!". The other MP responded, "I know, but hear me out." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 11, 2005 A man on his way home from work at the Parliament buildings came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars. So he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The Health Minister just found out there was more damaginging evidence on the Grewal tapes against him, the Supreme Court has said two tier health care is okay,and he's all depressed. He stopped his car in the middle of the road and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his constituents hates him and he doesn't have any money for defence lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScottBrison Posted June 11, 2005 Report Share Posted June 11, 2005 Paul: I'll take "Things that'll never happen" for $400 Alex Alex: The Answer Is: "Prime Minister Steven Harper" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2005 A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Liberal. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Liberal too. Not really knowing what a Liberal was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.' Because I'm not a Liberal.''Then,' asks the teacher, 'What are you?''Why I'm a proud Conservative,' boasts the little girl.The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why sheis a Conservative.'Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive, money-wasting, scandal-ridden government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are Conservatives, and I am a Conservative too.' The teacher, now angry, loudly says, 'That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?' She pauses, and lets out a smile. 'Then,' Lucy says, 'I'd be a Liberal.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2005 A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. Paul Martin was on his way to Parliament, accompanied by some reporters. Paul asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box. The little boy said, "Liberals." The Prime Minister beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Good boy!" A few weeks later Martin walking again, this time with Scott Brison in tow. Martin stopped at the boy's house, winked at Scott and said, "Hey kid, what kind of puppies are in the box?" The boy said, "Conservatives" Martin looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Liberals!" The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 14, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 14, 2005 It was election time, again. So, a politician decided to go out to the local reservation to gather support from the first nation people. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for all first nation people!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. "I promise more social reforms and respect for past treaties.And a seat at the first ministers table for all the first nation people!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" After the speech, the politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2005 The local school's political club was playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto raising money for charity, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, another boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists,breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident,and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Liberal Supporter Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Liberal supporter," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little NDP Supporter Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a NDP supporter either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either for the Liberal or NDP supporter."What political party do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Quebec Bloc supporter." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2005 Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small Ontario town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies, etc. "That man's persistence," observed one of the residents, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for." "Yep," another resident agreed. "Sure can't see myself voting for an asshole who hasn't the brains to come in out of the rain." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 20, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2005 The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBC, CTV, and Global show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canada is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on the National with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Shirley Douglas and her son come from the US and stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "O Canada." Shirley then has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's health. Buzz Hargrove & Judy Rebick exclaim in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Meanwhile, Lloyd Robertson sketches the whole thing in the sand. Finally, the Government drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Chretin gets his old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Martin appointed from a list of friends of friends. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a developer who plans to convert it into a halfway house. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Argus Posted June 21, 2005 Report Share Posted June 21, 2005 A Canadian guy was traveling through the US on holidays when he noticed that his wallet was missing along with all his personal identification. He immediately cut his trip short and attempted to cross back into Canada at the nearest border crossing. The Customs agent dutifully asked him for identification. He said," I'm sorry, but I have lost my wallet which contains all my identification." The aggravated customs agent replied, "sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry into Canada." "But I can easily prove that I am a Canadian" exclaimed the traveler. "I have a picture of Anne McLellan tattooed on my left butt cheek and a picture of Belinda Stronach tattooed on my right butt cheek." "This I must see.".. replied the agent. So, responding immediately to the agent's request, the traveler, dropped his pants and bent over. "By golly, you're right!", exclaimed the agent. "You can go on home to Montreal." The traveler thanked the agent, but asked him, "just how did you know I was from Montreal?" To this the agent replied, "I recognized the picture of Paul Martin in the middle." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmy Posted June 21, 2005 Report Share Posted June 21, 2005 "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya." awesome -k Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck E Stan Posted June 21, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2005 A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?" The boy replied, "I am making Jack Layton with this manure, Mister." Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making Jack Layton? Why not make, er, Paul Martin?" The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Paul Martin." "But why not?" asked the man. The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough here to make Paul Martin." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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